May 22, 2008Ask Meryl ~ References
Hi Meryl,
Normally when someone wants to use me as a reference he/she asks my permission first. Recently someone told me she used me as a reference and I was dumbfounded.
Although she is a nice person I’ve had problems with her not keeping her word and being irresponsible. It wouldn’t be such an issue except for the fact that I am close with her parents and don’t want to cause any problems (although they are aware of the above issues in their own dealings with her). I was wondering if you could suggest a way for me to let her know in a kind way that I don’t want to be used as a reference.
Meryl Responds,
You could say,
- There have been times when you haven’t kept your word with me. I don’t know if that’s your usual MO, but if someone calling for a reference were to ask me about your reliability, I would have to tell the truth based on my own experience. You need to know that if you use me as a reference.
I believe being truthful is the kindest way, because she needs to know why you’re reluctant.
If you prefer to be more general, you can say,
- I’m very conservative about who I give references to. I need to be familiar with their work and able to assure the employer the candidate would be a really good choice for the position. I don’t know enough about your work to be able to do that, so I don’t want to be a reference for you.
I hope this helps.
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