May 22, 2008Poison Phrase ~ You can’t tell anyone this
Debbie is often divisive in her communication. Bryce knows that, so as soon as Debbie brought up their coworker and said,
- You can’t tell anyone this,
Bryce cut her off. He knew she was ready to bad-mouth their colleague, and he said,
I won’t agree to that. This is a road to nowhere that I want to go. The three of us need to be completely open, and I won’t agree to secrets.
Bryce’s boundaries were very clear.
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If you are in a very impersonal, businesslike relationship with someone, I can see this choice of language as a response to unwanted gossip being okay. But where I work, it would be political suicide. You never know who you may end up working for in this very large company, whether as your boss, or as your project manager. This suggested language to establish clear boundaries, seems to me to to create a tendency for the other person to feel judged, embarrassed, and ultimately resentful. Also, to perform well in my own position, I need employees to feel comfortable in consulting me on a variety of issues. So the device I have come up with over the years is this: I try to find a way to acknowledge the information they are passing along, but then I make an empathetic comment about the other person’s situation. For instance: “You can’t tell anyone this. Mary got raked over the coals in her performance evaluation yesterday.” My response: “Wow. That’s awful. I hope she is okay today. Do you think we can find a way to give her some friendly encouragement today.” Over time, this type of response gradually sends the message that I am not going to give gossips the type of response they were expecting, or possibly hoping for, but it does not point the finger at them either. They stop bringing those stories to me, but they also still feel they can trust me with their own difficult situations.
Comment by Kathleen — May 31, 2008 @ 9:49 am
Great suggestion, Kathleen! Your advice takes a low road gossipy comment and turns it into a high road suggestion of support.
I also agree that my recommended phrasing can be too strong. I do stand behind it for situations where we would feel slimed to listen at all.
Your suggestion incorporates the consideration that it’s important not to shut the channels of communication down.
Comment by merylrunion — June 10, 2008 @ 9:51 am