June 28, 2008Poison Phrase ~ Blah, blah, blah
Meryl,
I am one of your subscribers. I occasionally use a poison phrase “Blah, Blah, Blah.” How can I get rid of this? Please advise. Thanks in advance.
Meryl Responds:
I talk about how to change unwanted communication habits in my eCourse. It’s included in the first four sessions, which is available free here.
http://www.speakstrong.com/eCourse/index.html
I have more suggestions than I can detail here. Here are a few ideas.
1. Have someone you trust be your “blah, blah, blah buddy,” and have them keep track of how often you say it. That will make you more conscious of your habit.
2. Create a phrase to use when you catch yourself saying it. Something like:
I’m trying to break myself of the habit of saying blah, blah, blah because… What I mean to say is…
It might not be appropriate in every case, but use your phrase every time you can.
3. Review your conversations at the end of each day. If you used the unwanted words, imagine yourself in the same conversation without using those words.
These tips should do the job, but the eCourse will give you more tools.
June 26, 2008Reader Comment ~ Tears are the best
Hear. Hear. I have to commend the article on “The Secret Power of Tears”. As women in business, we are forced to hold back any and every emotion, especially tears. I have done this for years and have only recently learned how much this has affected me not only in my career, but also in personal relationships — and health. I may never cry in business, but I now agree with the power a discretely placed release such as tears can contribute to one’s life- and love!
June 26, 2008Ask Meryl ~ The 8-5-ers don’t get it
Meryl,
I work in an Account Management Department of a company that administers employee benefits and is heavily reliant on client relationships. Account Managers are the Face of the Company to our clients. We are frequently out of the office with clients and oftentimes work late, early, or both, again, with clients. Overnight travel is often required. After a road trip or a late night, the account manager has the flexibility of coming later, going home earlier, and so forth. We are not hourly employees, but rather get the job done regardless of the time needed. During slower times, we enjoy this flexibility. During busy times, we work our tails off.
The rest of the company is essentially an 8 to 5 operation and it has become very popular to ‘bash’ account managers about not being in the office, never in the office, out to lunch, etc. This is hurtful, insensitive and fails to take into account the longer hours often required, working on the road, etc. I need a comeback for those folks who think that if you are not at your desk, then you are not working.
I am sure outside sales people experience similar treatment.
Your thoughts?
Meryl says,
Use the think / feel / want formula.
For example:
When you make comments like that, I think you don’t understand how hard we work on the road. I feel belittled. I want us to respect the challenges and circumstances of each other’s jobs.
You can fill in the thoughts, feeling and request with whatever applies best.
June 26, 2008Poison Phrase ~ Trust the process
When Wanda asked her coach questions, her coach replied with the imperative,
- Trust the process.
Trust is something you earn, not something you command.
I tell you how to earn trust in this week’s article: Let’s get personal: Credible communication is collaborative, even when you’re the expert
June 26, 2008PowerPhrase of the Week ~ You
To personalize your communication, search out ways you use the word “it” and see where you can replace it with:
- You
For example, in This Week in the World, I originally suggested that “it” may seem safer to impersonalize. I changed that to “you may feel safer.”
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Related posts which may interest you
- This Week in the World ~ Life is personal and the best communication is too.
- 38,000,000 plus hits on tech blog illustrates a New (Rule) Dynamic of Communication
- This Week in the World: 9/11 changed everything. What did it change for you?
- Old Archives Are Still Available!
- Pippi Pangea and the I Said it Strong Award
June 26, 2008This Week in the World ~ Life is personal and the best communication is too.
Author Thom Hartmann speaks of an evening in his childhood when he and a friend admired a beautiful landscape. His friend said, “Isn’t it glorious? And it’s all alive.” Those words inspired awe in Thom.
How often do you forget that life is both alive and personal?
Life is more personal than we admit. Science sees the world “objectively” as impersonal “its” – consisting of objects to be studied. That’s about as impersonal as you can get. Business sees the world as prey to dominate and exploit. Both approaches forget the world is alive and personal.
We wouldn’t have phrases like “it’s not personal – it’s business” if we hadn’t impersonalized the world. These attitudes reflect the dominance of patriarchal principles. No, matriarchal dominance wouldn’t be better, but a balance would be nice.
The business world is discovering the personal nature of life, which is why it is embracing the term “associate” over “employee.” Of course, if you treat your “associate” like chattel, it doesn’t matter what word you use for the people you hire.
You may feel safer and find it more profitable to impersonalize life – and view people as consumers, casualties of war and prospects. When you experience life in a personal way, you can’t abuse people like you can if you don’t. But there are rewards to getting personal beyond just knowing you’re doing the right thing.
Small-talk expert Deb Fine says “All things being equal, we’d rather do business with our friends. All things NOT being equal, we’d rather do business with our friends.” It’s true. It’s true because life is alive and personal.
SpeakStrong and Unite and Concur exist to personalize communication for those who have shut their hearts down, and provide objectivity and effective communication strategies for the more sensitive among us, so they don’t abdicate to the ruthless. That’s why I advise including what you think, feel AND want. (See today’s “Ask Meryl.”)
(Please read my latest post on Unite and Concur about resetting the tone of a political conversation. Talking with your political opposite.)
My article The Secret Power of Tears provides a concrete way to reclaim the personal nature of life. Please scroll down to my reader comment about that article. I love the contributor’s words.
I have a new article about how experts need to get personal when they instruct. It’s called: Let’s get personal: Credible communication is collaborative, even when you’re the expert
If you’re looking for a book to get your emotions moving, I recommend Life Lessons. I have a story in it.
June 19, 2008Discussion topic ~ You know you’re intellectualizing when…
Many people respond intellectually to situations where an emotional response would be more appropriate. (The opposite is also true, of course.) I’d like your help with my latest list: You know you’re intellectualizing when…
- You know you’re intellectualizing when someone writes you a love poem and you point out a misplaced comma.
- You know you’re intellectualizing when you explain why the rainbow is so colorful and forget to admire its beauty.
- You know you’re intellectualizing when you tell a woman in childbirth “your labor pains are interesting sensations worthy of all your attention.”
- You know you’re intellectualizing when someone tells you they lost their house and you give advice without ever acknowledging their loss.
Your turn. Please post your “You know you’re intellectualizing when…” contributions. (We’ll explore: “you know you’re dramatizing when…” next week.)
June 19, 2008This week in the world ~ The power of tears, anger and my upcoming teleseminars
My recent article Constructive Anger: How to SpeakStrong when you’re seeing red received hundreds of hits and scores of forwards. Last week’s The Secret Power of Tears has broken all records for popular articles.
If your emotions or someone else’s ever feel like the tornado the cub scouts faced in Iowa last week, read these articles and pass them on.
If you stifle emotions instead of manage them you’ll shut down your passion, and with it, your strength and power.
A World of truth flash movie
While you’re on my site, watch A World of Truth. One of my readers just emailed me to say it gave her goose bumps. I wrote a post on my Unite and Concur blog around it, called Dare to desire.
Play to win-win: coming soon
In the weeks to come, I will start up my teleseminars again. Stay posted for the first one – Play to win-win. It will be free to those who are taking the Say What You Mean eCourse.
June 19, 2008PowerPhrase ~ With all the people you could be spending your life with, thanks for choosing me.
PowerPhrases aren’t just about pointing out what’s wrong or letting people know what isn’t working. It is just as important to use PowerPhrases to express love, appreciation and gratitude. Great managers know that they get better results when they consistently let their employees know how much they appreciate them. And great friends and lovers (and newsletter readers) take the time to acknowledge each other too.
Imagine someone you love saying to you,
- With all the people you could be spending your life with, thanks for choosing me.
The fact is, letting someone into your heart and life is a huge decision and shold be acknowledged as such.
Acknowledgment is powerful. I know I appreciated my reader taking the time to tell me about the goose bumps she experienced when she watched A World of Truth. So think of how you want to acknowledge the people in your life. And do it.
June 19, 2008Poison Phrase of the Week ~ No
Meryl,
I recently overheard a telephone conversation between my colleague (A) and someone (B) from another department, and have since been wondering whether a reply of No is a poison or a power phrase.
I heard A’s side of the conversation. B asked A to give a presentation. (This is not a role A is normally expected to do, ie. is not part of his job description). His reply was a simple
“No”.
He was perfectly polite, but did not give any reasons for declining. B asked in a surprised tone “No?” , and A replied “no” again. B asked “is there anyone else who could do it?” and A replied “you could ask xxx” (the manager). B then asked another person in the department (not the manager) who also declined but gave a reason.
Since then, A said that B seems to have taken offence and is now ignoring him. B told me “I could have fluffed it out e.g. say I was too busy – but I didn’t want her to get the impression I would do it in the future”.
I’m in 2 minds (but leaning towards no. 1):
1. It was a power phrase because he said what he meant, meant what he said, but wasn’t mean when he said it
2. It was a poison phrase because B took offence.
What do you think – was his simple “no” a poison or a power phrase?
Meryl responds:
A PowerPhrase is as long as it needs to be and no longer. Your colleague’s response is so short that it comes across as blunt and abrupt. When relationships are at all personal in nature, as it is among colleagues, that can destroy good will.
While he shouldn’t err on the side of explanations to the point of self-justification, a simple,
- Thanks for asking. My main job responsibilities keep me too busy to take on presentations, so I’ll decline.
…is clear without coming across like a bucket of cold water.
