June 19, 2008Poison Phrase of the Week ~ No
Meryl,
I recently overheard a telephone conversation between my colleague (A) and someone (B) from another department, and have since been wondering whether a reply of No is a poison or a power phrase.
I heard A’s side of the conversation. B asked A to give a presentation. (This is not a role A is normally expected to do, ie. is not part of his job description). His reply was a simple
“No”.
He was perfectly polite, but did not give any reasons for declining. B asked in a surprised tone “No?” , and A replied “no” again. B asked “is there anyone else who could do it?” and A replied “you could ask xxx” (the manager). B then asked another person in the department (not the manager) who also declined but gave a reason.
Since then, A said that B seems to have taken offence and is now ignoring him. B told me “I could have fluffed it out e.g. say I was too busy – but I didn’t want her to get the impression I would do it in the future”.
I’m in 2 minds (but leaning towards no. 1):
1. It was a power phrase because he said what he meant, meant what he said, but wasn’t mean when he said it
2. It was a poison phrase because B took offence.
What do you think – was his simple “no” a poison or a power phrase?
Meryl responds:
A PowerPhrase is as long as it needs to be and no longer. Your colleague’s response is so short that it comes across as blunt and abrupt. When relationships are at all personal in nature, as it is among colleagues, that can destroy good will.
While he shouldn’t err on the side of explanations to the point of self-justification, a simple,
- Thanks for asking. My main job responsibilities keep me too busy to take on presentations, so I’ll decline.
…is clear without coming across like a bucket of cold water.
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I once had a co-worker ask me to be a “Fire Marshall” for our floor. The role was such that you are required to round up people during fire drills (or actual emergencies), check offices, etc., etc. Additionally, there were meetings and training that the Fire Marshalls were expected to attend. I was not interested in this position, so I said, “Thanks for asking, but no thank you; I’m not interested.” He was clearly taken aback for a moment and asked, “Really? Why? You’d be great!” I again said, “Thanks; I appreciate that, but no, I’m not interested.” It was clear, gave a reason, and was “blunt without being blunt”, if that makes sense. We ended our conversation, and while he did, for a while, seem a bit cold to me, eventually he came back to being social with me. I felt good about my response that I was not mean, but I clearly and confidently stated my interest (or, in this case, my desire not to participate).
Comment by Judy McDonough — June 19, 2008 @ 7:46 pm
I saw the title to this entry – “Poison Phrase of the week – ‘No’” – and I immediately thought, “Well, gee, I’m going to disagree”.
As it turns out, such is not the case. I just love it when life dishes out healthy doses of “gray area” for me to disgest through my own “gray matter”.
I agree with Meryl on her proposed Power Answer – in this case. A simple “No” in this scenario doesn’t offer enough information to the asker. Is the answer technically correct? Sure, but Speaking Strong is about more than technicalities, it’s also about finding your power in the subtlties and delivering it with grace and will. (Or is that “Will and Grace”?)
Be that as it may, the title hatched a little “what if” creature in my cranium.
There are times when a straight-forward “no” is absolutely perfect. A stranger asks a young child, “Can you help me find my puppy?” The correct answer for that child to give is “no”, spoken strongly, in an empowered voice. It can be taught, I taught my neice when she was little. Another example, this time for adults. A co-worker repeatedly asks about your personal life. You feel uncomfortable discussing your private life with this person. She or he nudges you to share. A reasonable response is “no”. When the co-worker persists with “but why not?”, a really good follow-up answer is “because I said ‘no’”. When the co-worker goads “why do you have to be that way?”, then I feel you’re on the right track if your final response is, “this conversation is finished”.
Any time you suspect your boundaries are being crossed, “no” is a pretty good response. So, in the case of Person A and Person B, let’s take the conversation down a different path. Let’s say Person A repeatedly asked Person B to do the favor or job in question, and Person B had repeatedly explained “Thanks for asking, my main responsibilities keep me too busy to take on presentations, so I’ll decline”. Then here comes Person A again, trying to take a stab at whether Person B can be talked into it this time. By now Person B should feel right and fine about saying a simple “no” (at least if I were Person B this would be the case). Why? Because the topic has been approached several times before, with a fair explanation from Person B. By now, Person A’s behavior is bordering on, if not stepping right over, Person B’s boundaries.
My contention is this. There is a lot of gray area when it comes to human interaction and communication. We cannot always know if we inadvertantly step across another’s boundaries. When our boundaries are stepped on and we feel it’s inadvertant, I firmly believe it is our job to give a brief explanation about why it is a boundary overstep. It’s only fair. This is the situation when Person A asks the favor of Person B for the first time. Once a boundary violation has been re-commited, then we get into the area where I would simply say “no” without further explanation. I’ve explained it once, perhaps even twice. After that, my assumption would be “this person is simply not respecting my boundaries – so a pointed response is appropriate from here on out”.
Some may disagree with me on this, and that’s fine. We each have a right to our own boundary limits, and we each have a responsibility to clarify them and then be prepared to stand up for them. My goal here is to convey – know your boundaries and protect them well without flogging those around you. Discern and decide, but draw right, don’t divide.
Comment by kym — January 24, 2009 @ 7:56 am