July 31, 2008This Week in the World ~ Expectation management
Which would you prefer …someone who promises ten things and delivers five, or someone who promises one and delivers four?
Did it occur to you that the previous question is a false choice? How about the option of someone who promises five and delivers five?
Members of the American Society for Quality tell me their motto is to: “say what you’ll do and do what you say.” If I know what I can count on, I can plan accordingly. It’s simple expectation management. And it’s essential for great communication.
July 31, 2008Poison Phrase ~ Industry Standard
It’s time for my annual reprinting of PowerPhrases. I print and pay for 20,000 - 25,000 copies at a time, so you can imagine what that bill looks like. Even so I don’t like paying for things I don’t need. That’s why I asked that the proofs not be ovenighted, since sometimes I have been billed upward of $100 for expedited shipping I didn’t want or need. The response was,
- It’s the industry standard to overnight proofs and to charge the customer.
I don’t contract the industry, I contract one supplier. This phrase suggests that policy and procedure trump customers. Had she given me some good reason for the procedure, I would have felt more accepting of the charges - particularly if the reason benefited me somehow.
July 31, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Who asked you?
Meryl,
Recently one of our employees returned back to work after several months off. I had forgotten how forward she was. My question concerns how to respond to her authoritative statements about how I (or others) are or rather should be. A simple example being her saying “why did you paint your front door that stupid color? It is the ugliest color I have ever seen.” The worst aspect is that I never ask her opinion because I do not live the same life as her.
My present response is ALWAYS, “that is your opinion & only your opinion.” The other day I took it a little further to try to get her to understand reality. I told her that we all think differently & that is what makes her who she is & I who I am. Well she took that & so did the whole staff as I started getting chided about “and there can only be one you,” among more every-so-slightly derogatory comments
I think it was the group mentality thing.
I need a list of responses for people who impose their beliefs on me. I research every decision in some form before I response. I couldn’t possibly have come this far in life if all my decisions have been wrong.
Meryl Responds:
Oh, I do know these types and on a bad day, I am one. The phrase “Who asked you?” and “Who died and put you in charge?” Come to my mind. (I think of many things I would never do.)
I do sometimes use the phrase “How do you really feel about that?” when someone expresses a strong opinion. I only use that if I don’t have an emotional reaction that I need to express, because that would cross the line from irony to sarcasm. I don’t recommend sarcasm.
The fact that the group related more with her than you when you tried to clarify suggests to me that others don’t have the same issue with her that you do. That doesn’t tell me you’re wrong to respond the way you do – it does suggest that you might have built up a sensitivity that causes each incident to be more toxic for you than it would be if it happened only once or twice.
Add some feeling to your communication. Say some variation of:
When you offer advice I don’t ask for, I feel belittled. I’d like to hear more about what you approve of than what you disapprove of.
It’s the basic formula of think/feel/want. I talk about it a lot in Unite and Concur.
When she comes across as mental and opinionated, if you respond with an opinion, you’re in a game you can never win. That’s why I recommend responding with feeling. Even something like,
(Name) I find myself on guard with you because you seem so quick to tell me what I do wrong. I would like to be able to enjoy your company. Could you refrain from telling me what I’m doing wrong unless I ask or need to know?
Recently I was hit with a barrage of opinions I didn’t need and when I spoke about it with my husband, I was pleased when he told me I don’t do that any more. I needed his confirmation because this kind of behavior is so automatic, most of us don’t even know we’re doing it. Which is why your colleague probably won’t have instant understanding when you point it out, and is probably why you’ll need to patiently work with her and invite her to be gentler consistently.
July 28, 2008This Week in the World ~ Blowing your cover
A friend told me in her single days, when she got to know new men, she waited for them to decide she was crazy. One man not only didn’t decide she was crazy – he adored who she was. They’ve been married for five years now.
Many of us relate to her experience. We’re afraid if we let who we really are out, people will run screaming from the room. Or they’ll give some else the promotion. Or they’ll unsubscribe from our newsletters. We’ve all been rejected in one way or another for revealing who we are.
But think about what my friend would have missed if she had hidden her true nature. It’s a powerful experience to reveal a bit more of who you are, and find not only are there people who embrace you – but that the people who embrace you are people you joyfully embrace in return.
In recent weeks I’ve been promoting The UltiMate™ Relationship Seminar, and have been stunned by the community I’ve discovered. As an example, I invited a yoga teacher lunch to discuss the possibility of her arranging a promotional evening to me to talk to her friends and students about the event. The yoga teacher called me Thursday morning saying she could meet me for lunch in a few hours.
I walked in expecting to meet with one woman and was stunned when she told me “Here’s your group.” She pointed to a room full of beautiful women who all wanted to hear what I had to say. It was a lovely gathering that ended in the group arranging a car pool to attend Jeffrey’s talk. The last few weeks of my life have been filled with moments like these.
Another example of the support I’ve received is the beautiful email my cosponsor Rev. Ahriana Platten send to her community.
Yes, there are times and places to share and not to share different aspects of yourself. But the more authentic you are more of the time, the more magical your life will become.
July 28, 2008PowerPhrase ~ What is it like to die?
In the midst of a flurry of business emails, an associate and friend sent me an email that simply read,
- How are you today?
My friend’s invitation delighted me. I responded with an honest general assessment of my well-being.
This woman once asked a dying friend what she was learning in her passing that she could teach. Her dying friend told her that dying people want to talk about their experience of death, and welcomed the question,
- What is it like to die?
It makes me think of the Iraq veterans who find one of the hardest things about being home is that few people really want to know,
- What was it like being over there?
Many of us routinely ask each other how we are, but don’t really want to know. When we do want to know, and we respect the answers, it a powerful thing. It opens new dimensions.
Of course if the person you’re asking doesn’t want to talk about it, I’m not suggesting you force it.
July 28, 2008Poison Phrase of the Week ~ They’re all the same
It’s tough to distinguish quality in our polluted marketplace of over-promising and under-delivering. We’ve grown cynical, and developed the tendency to assume everyone hypes equally, there is no point trying to make informed choices, it doesn’t matter whom you elect, whom you buy from or whom you listen to. Someone said this of spiritual, personal development and motivational teachers:
- They’re all the same. It’s just a question of what language you relate to.
I differ. They are not all the same, and it matters very much whom you listen to. It also matters whom you elect and whom you buy from. And whom you work for.
There is a big difference between openness and a lack of discernment. By suggesting that it’s all the same, we abdicate our responsibilities for informed choices and give sharks and charlatans equal credibility with those who set higher standards for themselves. You wouldn’t marry just anyone, would you?
July 28, 2008Ask Meryl ~ How game are you?
A reader asks: Meryl,
You are an incredibly brave person for putting your written words on the line on a regular basis. For that I commend you. I’m sure you receive a lot of criticism and the fact that you stick with it is incredible. It is for this reason that I had to ask myself if I was in your position would I find this suggestion helpful, well I decided yes, so I hope you do as well.
You were expounding on your ability to give, content of, and willingness to do corporate seminars. You finished the statement with “So, yes, I do speak in corporations and at conventions. And I would love to speak at yours. I’m game if you are.” My issue is with “if”. I don’t know you personally however I’m willing to wager that you are always “game”, and there really isn’t an “if.” What do you think about “I’m game, are you?”
I would appreciate your feedback, when you have time, as I’m constantly trying to improve my communication skills. Especially now that I’ve just found out I’m going to be a father and it seems more important than ever to have the skills to use around my child so I can say “do what I say AND what I do” I prefer to be a mentor than a dictator when the time comes.
Meryl responds,
I’m not so brave. I am passionate and determined, and that overrides my fearfulness. I am no braver than most people I know. But thanks for the compliment.
You make a brilliant discerning point. My choice of words predicated my willingness on theirs. Your question made me wonder if I said what I meant.
In my persistence to promote the seminar I’m sponsoring, I knock on doors of people who don’t seem to be game, and then I knock again. And again. Sometimes the doors give way and open. Other times I decide they aren’t “my target market” and speak to those who are.
I’m very much in favor of speaking to those who want to hear what you have to say - but I also know sometimes it takes a few attempts for them to know they want to hear it.
I suppose the best choice of words would be:
- I’m game if you are - even if you don’t know you are yet.
July 28, 2008Success story ~ hostile environment
While my client “Janet” and I hiked the trails this week, she told me her favorite part of my newsletter is my success stories. I need more. So send me some, please? I need stories of times when you spoke powerfully. They don’t have to have anything to do with my writing or newsletter. Blow your own horn and inspire others. Thanks.
Janet told me a success story about a colleague, Carla, who spoke up for her. Janet’s boss had been dismissive of and hostile toward her. Nothing Janet said seemed to help. Carla witnessed Janet’s treatment and told the boss,
- I am unwilling to work in an environment that is this hostile.
The boss backed down. Janet has a new hero.
July 21, 2008This Week in the World ~ Speaking in corporations and conventions
I’ve been getting emails lately asking if I speak in corporations and conventions. Yes, I do, and the fact that people are asking me this tells me I haven’t been spreading the word like I should.
So here’s the deal. I can tell you how to establish a totally integrated performance system. I can give your managers the perfect words for just about everything they do. I can present a killer keynote about what boats need to be rocked and how to go about rocking them. I can help you add Pizzazz to your technical presentations. Plus, I can tell you how to make your CASE.
So, yes, I do speak in corporations and at conventions. And I would love to speak at yours.
July 21, 2008This Week in the World ~ Didgeridoo
Friday night I attended a didgeridoo workshop. I almost didn’t go. When I got home, I checked the flyer to see if there was any way I could have figured out how fun it would be. There wasn’t. If they had added the single sentence, “Bring your own didgeridoo or we will provide one for you to play,” I would have had some clue this would be one of the highlights of my week.
Marketing is a skill and a service. If people want or need what you offer, but they don’t know they want it, you do them a disservice.
Last week’s teleseminar on The UltiMate™ Relationship Seminar gave a great indication of what that event is all about. I’m not the only one who thought the call provided a service.
By the way, the didgeridoo event was at church, and the leader anointed me “Sister Meryl.” It seemed to catch on with the pastor and others, so I might have a new moniker.
And if you don’t know what didgeridoo is, I confess I didn’t either before I went.
