July 31, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Who asked you?
Meryl,
Recently one of our employees returned back to work after several months off. I had forgotten how forward she was. My question concerns how to respond to her authoritative statements about how I (or others) are or rather should be. A simple example being her saying “why did you paint your front door that stupid color? It is the ugliest color I have ever seen.” The worst aspect is that I never ask her opinion because I do not live the same life as her.
My present response is ALWAYS, “that is your opinion & only your opinion.” The other day I took it a little further to try to get her to understand reality. I told her that we all think differently & that is what makes her who she is & I who I am. Well she took that & so did the whole staff as I started getting chided about “and there can only be one you,” among more every-so-slightly derogatory comments
I think it was the group mentality thing.
I need a list of responses for people who impose their beliefs on me. I research every decision in some form before I response. I couldn’t possibly have come this far in life if all my decisions have been wrong.
Meryl Responds:
Oh, I do know these types and on a bad day, I am one. The phrase “Who asked you?” and “Who died and put you in charge?” Come to my mind. (I think of many things I would never do.)
I do sometimes use the phrase “How do you really feel about that?” when someone expresses a strong opinion. I only use that if I don’t have an emotional reaction that I need to express, because that would cross the line from irony to sarcasm. I don’t recommend sarcasm.
The fact that the group related more with her than you when you tried to clarify suggests to me that others don’t have the same issue with her that you do. That doesn’t tell me you’re wrong to respond the way you do – it does suggest that you might have built up a sensitivity that causes each incident to be more toxic for you than it would be if it happened only once or twice.
Add some feeling to your communication. Say some variation of:
- When you offer advice I don’t ask for, I feel belittled. I’d like to hear more about what you approve of than what you disapprove of.
It’s the basic formula of think/feel/want. I talk about it a lot in Unite and Concur.
When she comes across as mental and opinionated, if you respond with an opinion, you’re in a game you can never win. That’s why I recommend responding with feeling. Even something like,
- (Name) I find myself on guard with you because you seem so quick to tell me what I do wrong. I would like to be able to enjoy your company. Could you refrain from telling me what I’m doing wrong unless I ask or need to know?
Recently I was hit with a barrage of opinions I didn’t need and when I spoke about it with my husband, I was pleased when he told me I don’t do that any more. I needed his confirmation because this kind of behavior is so automatic, most of us don’t even know we’re doing it. Which is why your colleague probably won’t have instant understanding when you point it out, and is probably why you’ll need to patiently work with her and invite her to be gentler consistently.
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