August 24, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Dictatorial Director
Meryl,
I’m a big fan of your website and receive your newsletter. I’ve always been a very direct and upfront person so my challenge has always been the “. . . without being mean when they say it.”
Through much practice (and none too little heartache) I’m finally getting it right *most* of the time however under stress or if I’m not being intentional I can revert to what my drama troupe calls the Dictatorial Director. I therefore have 2 questions:
1) My pre-emptive strike has been being honest about this potential flaw with those I lead. Creating a shared language so they can call me on it. I also try to honestly and rapidly apologize. Are there any other ways you have found effective for dealing with those mean moments?
2) Does it ever become really natural? I still find myself taking a breath, having an internal conversation (“What do I want to have happen? Have I listened?”). Will there ever come a point at which it won’t be the mental equivalent of taking the stairs versus the elevator?
Meryl Responds:
Oh, I like your analogy of taking the stairs instead of the elevator. And, yes, it gets easier – but it may never get easy.
I like your preemptive approach of letting people know up front and arming them with tools to handle you. Personally I think you give them a tremendous gift when you do that. It helps them handle other people who are less aware of their patterns and more likely to buy their own press.
The only suggestion I have is that you not go overboard and be apologetic about giving people a bit of a kick when they need it. A PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger, and there will be times when your words might seem mean but they’re actually necessary.
While I never endorse unnecessary harshness, finding the perfect balance between strength and sweetness is a life long juggling act. No one gets it right all the time. While being on the receiving end of harshness is no fun, the most difficult thing to handle is when people are shameless – when they act like any and all problems are the fault of everyone else. If you’re owning your excesses, chances are people are learning not to be wounded when they happen. And if you’re helping them manage you when you react you’ll get the awareness you need in the moment to change course on the spot.
In my seminars I talk about Pippi the SpeakStrong Giraffe
who keeps her cool and talks the high road, and I talk about Izzie the reptile who reacts and defends in the moment. I’ve been told in companies I visit year after year that they will refer to Pippi and Izzie by making comments like “your Izzie is showing,” or “what would Pippi say?” Those metaphors help make the desired changes concrete. Perhaps they can be useful code words for you too.
Let’s create an enlightened persona of The Dictatorial Director to provide you (us) with a role model of someone who gets things done without being controlling. How about The Divine Directress?
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