September 30, 2008This Week in the World ~ Telephone Seminar Boundaries, Resolve and True Power: How to Mean What You Say
Say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it is a three-pronged approach to communication. You’ve got to have all three prongs to be effective. If you say what you mean without being mean, but come across like you don’t mean it or back down, you’re not Speaking Strong.
Speak like you mean it, set clear boundaries that win respect, and protect the power of your words by backing your words up with action. Join me next week in a one hour teleseminar to learn how to make sure that when you speak, you mean it and others know you mean it.
~ October 8th ~
2 PM Eastern, 1 PM Central, 12 PM Mountain, 11AM Pacific
Only: $14.95, and no charge to those who are registered for the 52 week Say What You Mean eCourse.
September 30, 2008This Week in the World ~ Clean out your verbal and emotional closets
I couldn’t stand it any longer – I have way too much stuff and I had to get rid of some. The time had come to clean my closets.
I started by pulling out a thing or two here and there. That wasn’t getting me the purge I needed, so I change my approach. I pulled everything out and only “invited” what I really wanted back in. As a result, about half of my things are about to go to charity. I love the new found room in my closets.
Do the same thing with your emotional and communication choices. Throw out all your habitual responses, and only allow the ones that serve you back in.
I did this many years ago. I decided that my use of sarcasm, victim language and self-depreciation had to go, along with the emotions that fueled them. With those habitual responses out of the way, my communication and emotional “closets” were pretty empty. I didn’t know what to “wear.” Gradually I built an emotional and communication “wardrobe” I like.
What communication and emotional responses should you purge? And if you do, what would you replace them with? If you couldn’t, say, strike out in anger, what would you do instead? If you couldn’t, say, take a comment personally, what would you do instead? It’s a great exercise that could transform the way you operate.
September 30, 2008PowerPhrase ~ last time I checked
I spoke to the Emergency Nurses Association last week, where I emphasized the need to plan phrases for common situations. I spoke about Code White, which is an agreement among nurses that when physicians are verbally abusive within earshot, they gather around and just watch. The attention makes the abuser conscious and it quiets them.
I mentioned the comment, “You’re so smart, why didn’t you become a doctor?” and an audience member suggested the reply,
- You just answered your own question.
I shared my husband’s standard response to the question, “Are you a male nurse?” which is:
- Last time I checked.
Whatever your line of work, chances are you face the same communication challenges on a regular basis. Why not take some time and prepare phrases to use?
I will be writing an article about PowerPhrases for Nurses. If you’re in healthcare and have favorite phrases, let me know.
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- Poison Phrase of the Week ~ I’ll be the doctor and you be the nurse
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- Code white, change and the willingness to see things as they are
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September 30, 2008Poison Phrase ~ A great job of…
It was a powerful presentation to a great group of women, and they were right there with me as I spoke. I listened attentively when the organizer slowly…and deliberately…told me:
- I want to thank you and acknowledge you…of all the speakers I’ve had…you’ve done the best job…better than anyone else I’ve had in…a really great job and most people don’t…it was really great the way you…ended on time.
I am glad she appreciated my timeliness, but I confess: that wasn’t the kind of praise I expected after her build-up.
Funny.
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- Because We Are a Great Democracy People Have Their Views and They’re Going to Express Them
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- Women civilized the Wild West and are civilizing politics too
September 30, 2008Success Story ~ Discretionary Time
I used your suggestion involving the phrase “I have XX amount of discretionary hours this week…” with much success! I enjoy your newsletters and blog, thank you for continuing to write and speak with passion, clarity and grace.
September 30, 2008Poison Phrase ~ If you believe that, you’ll believe anything
It was a political conversation, but this kind of attack happens everywhere. When Julie disagreed with Lorrie’s opinion about a national policy, instead of addressing the issue directly, Julie said,
- If you believe that, you’ll believe anything.
It’s called attacking the messenger, and it’s a bully tool to end reasonable dialogue. Respond by saying,
- I offered a sincere opinion and you replied by painting me as gullible. Please point out the flaws in the argument, not my own gullibility.
September 18, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Coworker complaining
Meryl,
I have a coworker who likes to complain to me about nearly everything that happens to her on the job. I am a patient, empathetic listener and value our working friendship, but her frequent interruptions are starting to cost me productivity. Instead of bringing this to our supervisor, I feel the brave thing would be for me to tell her directly. But I’m not sure what to say. Can I save our friendship while minimizing the interruptions?
Meryl Responds,
First, be aware that if you DON’T speak up, the friendship will be challenged by the lack of transparency. Second, it’s interesting that you mention that she’s complaining, but you cite the issue is as productivity issue. I’m going to guess that the fact that it’s complaints you’re hearing is part of the problem. Third, if you can’t address the issue without damaging the friendship, it’s not much of a friendship.
Say something like,
- I’ve got to reign myself in and cut back on how much I talk with you because it’s interfering with my productivity. Let’s limit ourselves to a few minutes of check-in and quick problem-solving conversations during business hours and relegate the longer issues to break times.
Then, if she tries to complain during business hours, say,
- Can it wait? I’ve got a pile of work to do.
- If it’s a complaint session, surely it can wait.
Or you could say,
- (Name), I’ve got 2 minutes and then I need to get back to work.
Let me know how it works.
September 10, 2008Ask Meryl ~ A real tear-stopper
Meryl,
I received your newsletter today – thanks! I had a question for you please – where are the acupressure points for stopping tears? I had never heard of such a thing. And your example of the person who used it to stop a habit – I found that intriguing. I actually had never heard of that before either! Tears as a habit – not so far fetched, but somehow I just didn’t think of that as a possible operating system for someone – as a habit rather than as a simple manipulation.
Meryl Responds:
It’s in the webbing between the thumb and pointing finger – right where the muscle starts.
I don’t recommend suppressing tears as a rule, but the techniques work well when needed.
I definitely think crying can be a habit – particularly for women. When I was a child, when I got angry, I’d feel heat rising up in me and when it got to my heart, I’d get feint of heart and collapse into tears. If the emotion made it past my heart, it would get stuck in my throat. But I usually didn’t let the words get far enough for me to choke on them. I played it safe, and crying felt safer.
And, sure, I used it manipulatively because I didn’t have the skills to be direct. Getting the skills to approach things directly – and techniques like the web/forefinger can help purge out-dated habits.
It becomes physiological – and happens without awareness. It probably was a useful strategy when expressing anger would have gotten me metaphorically clobbered. But even once I had other options, the habit stayed with me. So anything that helps people practice a different behavior helps create new pathways for more choice.
September 9, 2008This week in the world ~ Are you saying what you really mean?
“Oh, you can’t mean that.”
Has anyone ever told you you couldn’t possibly mean what you said? I heard it as a child, and I wondered if I knew what I meant or if I needed them to tell me. For too long, I made the wrong choice.
My How to Say What You Mean teleseminar will help you make the right choice and speak out. It will help you determine what you think, feel and want, and communicate with confidence.
September 9, 2008Success story ~ I broke the crying habit
I used to cry over the slightest things. But after you showed me the acupressure points to stop tears at a seminar, when I felt the tears come on, I pressed the point and was able to regain my composure.
I discovered that crying was a habit – and I don’t have the habit anymore.
Learn more emotional management techniques at my How to Say What You Mean bonus teleseminar tomorrow.
