September 1, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Cheap shots
Meryl,
I’d love to hear your thoughts or a phrase I can use when family members (cousins, aunts, uncles) say things to you at family events to either embarrass or hurt your feelings?
For example my family (my parents, three siblings) were all invited to a cousin’s wedding in another part of the country. The bride was my Dad’s niece (his brother’s daughter). Each member of my family declined as we had conflicting events or couldn’t afford the cost of flights, accommodation and gifts.
Since declining my parents in particular have had other family members make constant remarks about them being cheap or not attending the wedding.
Whenever there is a reference to a wedding or key family event someone makes a comment about it.
We have another wedding coming up in a month (yes it’s a big family) and is another of my Dad’s nieces - his brother’s daughter.
It really makes my parents upset and sometimes people make comments to me about why my brothers or sisters don’t attend family events.
My parents and I are the ones who normally attend family events but my siblings decline invitations.
I’m wondering if you can provide any phrases that I or my parents can use to really… say what I mean, mean what I say and not be mean when I say it.
My initial thoughts was to try… ”That comment really hurt my feelings, why do you feel the need to make these comments?” What do you think? Will this work?
Meryl Responds,
Yes: Let them know how it affects you. I’d be more specific. I would acknowledge their disappointment and indicate that you actually share the disappointment without criticizing those who decline. Something like,
- I know! We’re all disappointed too. We would all love it if everyone could attend all the family events.
Address any possibility of their having hurt feelings.
- I hope you don’t think they stay home because they don’t want to attend. It’s tough for them to have to pass on the invitations.
Address the cheap comments.
- Please don’t accuse them of being cheap because they can’t afford to come. It’s upsetting, and unfair. Travel is expensive.
Let them know how it affects your parents.
- My parents are uncomfortable with having to defend their kids for not attending. If you have an issue with those who don’t come, can you take it up with them instead of my parents and me?
Offer to lend an ear for genuine concerns but not for pot shots.
- It seems like it’s an issue for you when my siblings don’t attend. If there’s anything we need to discuss that can help, I’m all ears, but I’m not comfortable with the pot shots directed toward them.
What do you think? Let me know.
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