September 9, 2008Poison Phrase ~ Don’t go getting all emotional on me
Bullies are really good at taunting their “victims” and then ridiculing them for objecting. It can be a very effective technique when someone objects to mistreatment, only to be told,
- Don’t go getting all emotional on me
Excuse me? When someone pokes a finger in your eye, anger is an appropriate response. And if you haven’t learned to do anger, your communication is likely to be mixed with some fear and self-doubt. This week’s poison phrase is so toxic and has been the cause of many of us learning not to say what we mean. We’ve learned that communicating emotion is the same as “getting all emotional” – and is somehow bad.
Learn how to speak from emotion without losing your cool in tomorrow’s Say What You Mean eCourse bonus telephone seminar. .
September 9, 2008PowerPhrase ~ These are tears of anger
Mary cries when she’s angry, and that made her reluctant to communicate her anger. That policy resulted in a lot of pent-up frustration that tied her up in knots. So she armed herself with PowerPhrases and owned her emotion as she kept the focus on the issues. Here’s one of her favorites.
- These are tears of anger. They do not inhibit my ability to focus on the facts.
she has found that the tears that she once thought to be tears of weakness are a source of power.
Learn more emotional PowerPhrases at the Wednesday Teleseminar.
September 9, 2008PowerPhrase ~ I feel like I cheated myself by forgetting our plans
Nicole forgot she had a lunch date with Bev. After waiting a half hour without being able to get hold of Nicole, Bev ate and went back to her office.
When they spoke, Nicole was duly apologetic for her omission and told Bev,
- I feel like I cheated myself by forgetting our date.
Instead of feeling slighted by Nicole’s error, Bev felt valued by Nicole’s expression of regret.
September 9, 2008Poison Phrase ~ You misunderstand me
Jeff was trying to get a Mindy to use his services in a project. He was so focused on flaws and limitations that Mindy was feeling disinclined to involve him. When she expressed her concerns and suggested that he didn’t share their vision, he said:
- You misunderstand me
His response continued in the same tone as his previous communication and did not acknowledge any possibility that his communication style might not be effective or likely to have the result he wanted.
September 8, 2008Success story ~ more insightful than I knew
Here’s something I hear a lot from people who assume someone else is adversarial and unwilling to listen.
I found out my staff is more insightful than I gave them credit for. We’ve been talking about each other supportively lately.
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Related posts which may interest you
- This Week in the World ~ Transition Time
- Non-adversarial come-backs to sarcasm that elevate conversations
- This Week in the World ~ For the love of…people, work, ideas…
- MYOB: An Overly Interested Coworker
- Poison Phrase of the Week No one could have seen it coming – and the court jester is the smartest one in the kingdom
September 6, 2008The Week in the World ~ The three days policy
I had an emotional meltdown this week. I found myself feeling unusually negative. My inner reptile was alive and well.
As you probably already know, my motto is to “Say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it.” But I have another policy. If I feel a strong emotional compulsion to make a radical change, and particularly to make a change that will burn a bridge, I wait three days. I tell myself that if I still want to make the change in three days, I will. In the meantime, I listen to my grievance and explore it for deeper meaning rather than acting in a way that could backfire.
My three day policy can save a lot of grief. I usually come out of my emotion ready to make some changes, but they are kinder and gentler changes. Consider what kind of emotional policy would serve you.
September 2, 2008This Week in the World ~ Say What You Mean Teleseminar Series
Say what you mean, mean what you say, don’t be mean when you say it. It’s a simple formula that’s getting simpler thanks to my three-part teleseminar series.
And it’s a bonus to my Say What You Mean eCourse subscribers.
Register for the 52 week eCourse, and attend the teleseminar series at no cost.
It starts September 10th.
Say what you mean.
Be authentic. The source of your words is in your own mind and heart. I help people find their words by listening for their deepest meaning – what they think, feel and want. You can find your own words when you learn to listen for your deepest meaning.
Mean what you say.
Speak with conviction and protect the integrity of your words. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. If you do say it, be convincing.
Don’t be mean when you say it.
You can be clear and direct and still be kind. Respect your listener with your choice of words.
Truth about love teleseminar coming up
In the month to come I will announce my Truth About Love teleseminar series. Stay tuned.
Love removes the labor of labor
Read the article is Love removes the labor of labor on my SpeakStrong in Love Blog
September 1, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Impossible assignments
Meryl,
I despair of ever getting it from the theoretical to the practical It all seems so logical and easy to read about, but in the actual situation, the emotions are still driving.
I had a very bad week at work. On Tuesday my manager told me that I had to have a report written by Friday. I said that I didn’t think I could do it as it was such a big report (expecting ~ 30 pages). She said that she wanted it by Friday & that was it. So of course today is Friday & I wasn’t finished (it is difficult to stop the rest of the world – phone calls, rep visits, meetings, etc to concentrate solely on report writing). She was quite severe with me for not having it done & I regret I got upset & defensive & heated and started listing reasons why it was not complete & that it was simply too big a job to do in 3 days etc, and ended up in an argument. It was a very unpleasant encounter, and now all I want to do is find another job and get away.
I realize I have a responsibility for the failure – maybe I didn’t manage my time very well; maybe I could have turned away phone calls & reps; maybe I was unconsciously using them as excuses to put off a daunting task. I definitely find it very difficult to handle being criticized; I know that’s my problem. I really think I should look for another job because this is just not the right sort of job for me but it’s hard to know what job would be right for me.
So to the point, I was in the wrong, and now I have to apologies & try to cope with being in an unpleasant situation until I can find another job. How am I going to face her? I looked for some relevant material on the website but mostly found from the manager’s perspective with a difficult employee; I guess this is the situation with me the difficult employee but I was hoping for some help for my side
Meryl Responds:
I know the frustration of not living up to your own expectations. That reminds me of the saying that what matters is not how often you fall but how quickly you pick yourself back up when you do.
When the boss assigns an unreasonable deadline, let her know what will suffer for you to meet the deadline. For example, you can say,
- Between now and Friday I expect to have X hours of discretionary time. This report will require Y hours to complete properly. If I miss the rep meetings and let the phone go to voicemail I can squeeze another Z hours out to complete it. It won’t be the quality I’d like it to be, but it will be the best I can do. Do you want me to do that?
Another way to question an unreasonable deadline is to say,
- I can do a great job for you by Monday; or a rough job by Friday. What do you prefer?
Whenever you don’t communicate well, think of it as another chance to learn. Think of what you could have / would have said – not to chastise yourself; but to learn.
September 1, 2008Success Story ~ When you calm down, if you want me back, call me.
I wasn’t sure this was a success story because we ended up parting ways, but after I spoke with you, I felt good about setting boundaries.
I’m a web master, and I have several clients. I told one of my clients that I would not be working on her site for a couple of days due to medical reasons, she went into a rant. She was using every swear word I’ve ever heard, and I told her when she calmed down, if she wanted her to come back she could call me. I left.
When I heard back, she terminated our relationship. She sited the fact that I left that day. I responded politely and suggested I wished it had ended on a better note. But the reality is, I’m relieved that I won’t be working with her anymore, and I’m pleased that I stood up when I felt mistreated.
September 1, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Cheap shots
Meryl,
I’d love to hear your thoughts or a phrase I can use when family members (cousins, aunts, uncles) say things to you at family events to either embarrass or hurt your feelings?
For example my family (my parents, three siblings) were all invited to a cousin’s wedding in another part of the country. The bride was my Dad’s niece (his brother’s daughter). Each member of my family declined as we had conflicting events or couldn’t afford the cost of flights, accommodation and gifts.
Since declining my parents in particular have had other family members make constant remarks about them being cheap or not attending the wedding.
Whenever there is a reference to a wedding or key family event someone makes a comment about it.
We have another wedding coming up in a month (yes it’s a big family) and is another of my Dad’s nieces – his brother’s daughter.
It really makes my parents upset and sometimes people make comments to me about why my brothers or sisters don’t attend family events.
My parents and I are the ones who normally attend family events but my siblings decline invitations.
I’m wondering if you can provide any phrases that I or my parents can use to really… say what I mean, mean what I say and not be mean when I say it.
My initial thoughts was to try… ”That comment really hurt my feelings, why do you feel the need to make these comments?” What do you think? Will this work?
Meryl Responds,
Yes: Let them know how it affects you. I’d be more specific. I would acknowledge their disappointment and indicate that you actually share the disappointment without criticizing those who decline. Something like,
- I know! We’re all disappointed too. We would all love it if everyone could attend all the family events.
Address any possibility of their having hurt feelings.
- I hope you don’t think they stay home because they don’t want to attend. It’s tough for them to have to pass on the invitations.
Address the cheap comments.
- Please don’t accuse them of being cheap because they can’t afford to come. It’s upsetting, and unfair. Travel is expensive.
Let them know how it affects your parents.
- My parents are uncomfortable with having to defend their kids for not attending. If you have an issue with those who don’t come, can you take it up with them instead of my parents and me?
Offer to lend an ear for genuine concerns but not for pot shots.
- It seems like it’s an issue for you when my siblings don’t attend. If there’s anything we need to discuss that can help, I’m all ears, but I’m not comfortable with the pot shots directed toward them.
What do you think? Let me know.
