October 13, 2008PowerPhrase ~ Excuse me, I wasn’t done yet.

It’s not rude to interrupt someone who has just interrupted you. While you don’t need to be militant about not allowing people to talk over you, if someone cuts you off and it’s an issue, say:

• Excuse me, I wasn’t done yet.

October 11, 2008Poison Phrase ~ I’ve got a couple of clients ahead of you

Kim asked Carl when her proposal would be complete. He responded:

I’ve got a couple of clients ahead of you.

Kim needed to plan around Carl’s delivery, but no matter how she pressed, Carl only gave vague responses. Vague responses give wiggle room, at the expense of clarity.

October 10, 2008Ask Meryl ~ They talk over me

Meryl,

I work for a hospital for almost 27 years. I have not been able to join in on conversations. I continually get talked over. I was told by my Operations Manager to work on my assertiveness which I have but that still doesn’t always work. It makes me feel that what ever I have to say has no value or meaning. I just want to be heard and for those who talk over me to listen to what I have to say.

Meryl Responds,

Man, do I know how frustrating this one can be. It’s hard for me to know how to advise you without knowing why people talk over you. “Work on your assertiveness” is too vague to give insight.

I wrote in last week’s newsletter about a situation I had last week where someone kept interrupting me and I made it clear that that was unacceptable. I had to shout him down. A PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger, and this required shouting. I do not enjoy shouting, but I am glad I did it. He did get the point. What I shouted was, “Will you let me finish my sentence?”

I went on to observe offensive I found it that he told me I was wrong before I even finished my sentence. He asked me to continue, and the conversation was more reasonable after that, and later admitted how opinionated he can be.

Without knowing your situation, I suggest you ask the people who talk over you for their suggestions. Say,

• I was offering an opinion in the meeting, and you spoke over me. Why did you do that?
• I’d like to find out if there is something I do that contributes to this.
• If you were me, what would you do to get my voice and opinions heard?
• Then ask to work together to solve the problem. Say,
• I’d like your help in solving this problem. Let’s figure out what we can do to keep this from happening.

Be sincere in your request for help. You might be too verbose or too tentative in expressing your ideas for people to recognize their value. If you can get on the same team to address the problem, you might be surprised at how it can change.

Tell me how it goes.

October 10, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Poison Phrase classification

Meryl,

In our English course — efficient professional communication, we chose ‘PowerPhrases! — the perfect words to say it right and get the results you want’ as the textbook. We were practicing summary skills by outlining the poison phrases from chapter 2. There are 9 types of poison phrases. I applied the ‘grouping / clustering’ approach by classifying them into 3 categories: speaker side, listener side and both sides. However, we are curious about how you group these 9 types. The teacher suggested me send this email to you.

Could you respond?

Thanks for your question! What an interesting consideration!

Meryl Responds,

In PowerPhrases!, I list the poison phrases as: 1) Filler Poison Phrases, 2) Indecisive Poison Phrases, 3) Deflective Poison Phrases, 4) Negative Poison Phrases, 5) Absolute Poison Phrases, 6) Victim Poison Phrases, 7) Vague Hinting Poison Phrases, Emotional Poison Phrases and, 9) Passive Poison Phrases. With the exception of Absolute and Negative phrases, my lists emphasize the passive side, or words that make the speaker sound weak.

In How to Use PowerPhrases I divide them into “Respect-Robbing Poison Phrases” and “Vicious Venom Poison Phrases.” The second grouping focuses on words that are designed to disempower and over power the listener.

Vicious Venom PowerPhrases include: Labeling, Absolute, Negative, “Should,” Veiled Assumptions, and Blame.

Thanks again for your question.

October 10, 2008Success Story ~ The more I Speak Strong, the better people treat me.

I wanted to update you on my progress. Awhile back I wrote you about issues with friendships/work relationships (some harassment going on at work), and you wrote a poem on it. In combination with your books, e-course, and a meditation I do about speaking my truth, I have made progress and getting results that I can see and feel. One of my favorite affirmations now is: I call an ace and ace and a spade a spade with grace.

Although I still get blindsided occasionally, I let less and less disrespectful behavior go, and less and less misunderstandings go. I remember so often I would say something, a friend or co-worker would misinterpret it, and I was to unconfident to say, that’s not what I meant. So many times I would walk away saying in my head, that isn’t what I meant. Then I would feel angry and resentful.

An important understanding I had to really “get” was, not everyone is going to like me, and that that is OK. I would agree with these words, but it took a long time for me to really “get it”. I’d rather be respected than liked. I do get more respect at work and I don’t care if they like me, paradoxically, everyone seemed kinder!

My personal relationships are better too. Some have dropped away since I don’t let much slip by anymore. And some have gotten better. Things aren’t great yet, but they are much better. I’ve had to really work at it, but is has been worth it. I generally feel much better.

October 9, 2008Reader Success Story ~ Alternative Parenting Approaches

I read your book and get your emails to help me with work communication (I sell real estate).  I am excited how speaking strong has helped in my personal life as well.

My husband’s first wife is very loud, difficult and controlling.  Because they have a son together, sometimes this creeps into my life.  Recently, my step-son was having trouble in school and his mother wanted to take him out of football - insisted and demanded he be taken out of football actually.  At our “family meeting” I actually spoke up and said:

“Taking him out of sports has never motivated him to do better in school in the past and I don’t believe it ever will.  I feel that the purpose of these meetings is for you to force us to agree with the decisions you’ve already made.  I will not agree to take him out of football and would like to discuss alternative ways to motivate him in school.”

I’m happy to say my husband, and HERS, both agreed with me.  I don’t expect her to change her tune anytime soon, but I feel good that I stayed calm and spoke strongly in the face of her tirade.  And he’s still in football - so far.

October 7, 2008Reader Success Story ~ Zen Communication

I continue to build a habit from your suggestion to “think about the purpose of your words before you speak.” As a direct result I speak less and listen more. There’s less “filler” and more substance. My words are focused. For some reason I notice I smile more! Perhaps I’m one step closer to the Zen state of communication.

October 7, 2008PowerPhrase ~ I have a bonus PowerPhrase from Deepak Chopra in the blog post “Last Time I Checked.”

Chopra cut through my denial over 20 years ago when my late husband had cancer. Read about it here.

October 7, 2008This Week in the World ~ Grace Under Fire

When I spoke to the Emergency Nurse’s Association Convention, I talked about how emergencies will bring out the best and the worst in us. Well, so will a national crisis. The last few weeks have been incredibly intense in the US with campaigns going negative and the economy melting down.

Anybody feeling an emotional meltdown? It’s tough to stay open and loving when so much fear and violence is in the air. It’s easy to abandon dignity, love and grace when you’re under fire.

Obviously when a house is burning, you put it out without worrying too much about how elegant the process is. But most of the time your emergencies aren’t the kind where seconds count. Even in emergencies – no – especially in emergencies, you need to SpeakStrong, Speak Smart and Speak Sweet. That requires coordination and grace – grace under fire.

Now more than ever, stay connected to sweetness and love so when you open your mouth, you’ll speak sweetly. How do you maintain that connection? Well, I immerse myself in my mentor’s poetry. My husband is visual, and he delights in beautiful art before he goes to sleep at night. It always helps to reach out to people whose presence provides grace.

Can you afford to indulge in the luxury of beauty in difficult times? Uh, yeah. In fact, you can’t afford not to.

October 2, 2008Power Phrase ~ We’re not here to judge you

I’m struck by how many credit card debt settlement ads there are on the radio these days. One said, if you’re overloaded with credit card debt,

• We’re not here to judge you. We’re here to help you.

I didn’t think of the likelihood that borrowers would make this kind of business decision based on emotional safety until I heard the ad. I expect the approach is effective.

The fact is, many business decisions are made on the basis of emotional responses. Keep that in mind when you negotiate.

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