October 10, 2008Ask Meryl ~ They talk over me
Meryl,
I work for a hospital for almost 27 years. I have not been able to join in on conversations. I continually get talked over. I was told by my Operations Manager to work on my assertiveness which I have but that still doesn’t always work. It makes me feel that what ever I have to say has no value or meaning. I just want to be heard and for those who talk over me to listen to what I have to say.
Meryl Responds,
Man, do I know how frustrating this one can be. It’s hard for me to know how to advise you without knowing why people talk over you. “Work on your assertiveness” is too vague to give insight.
I wrote in last week’s newsletter about a situation I had last week where someone kept interrupting me and I made it clear that that was unacceptable. I had to shout him down. A PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger, and this required shouting. I do not enjoy shouting, but I am glad I did it. He did get the point. What I shouted was, “Will you let me finish my sentence?”
I went on to observe offensive I found it that he told me I was wrong before I even finished my sentence. He asked me to continue, and the conversation was more reasonable after that, and later admitted how opinionated he can be.
Without knowing your situation, I suggest you ask the people who talk over you for their suggestions. Say,
- I was offering an opinion in the meeting, and you spoke over me. Why did you do that?
- I’d like to find out if there is something I do that contributes to this.
- If you were me, what would you do to get my voice and opinions heard?
- Then ask to work together to solve the problem. Say,
- I’d like your help in solving this problem. Let’s figure out what we can do to keep this from happening.
Be sincere in your request for help. You might be too verbose or too tentative in expressing your ideas for people to recognize their value. If you can get on the same team to address the problem, you might be surprised at how it can change.
Tell me how it goes.
3 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post.
| TrackBack URI
You can also bookmark
this on del.icio.us or check the cosmos
People talk over me too, execpt rather than telling me to be more assertive, I am told that I am too aggressive. What’s up with that? I have rationalized people who talk over me (my boss) that they have a thought and have to get it out before they forget. But I agree, this makes me feel very conflicted when I am told that I am too aggressive but people talk over me.
Comment by Margaret — March 31, 2010 @ 10:46 am
Margaret – the first two phrases might work for you. I share your confusion over why they people would talk over you and call you aggressive – it sounds backwards. It would be tough to know how to deal with the situation without understanding what you do that they consider aggressive and why they talk over you. Why not ask?
Labels like “aggressive” are disheartening. Specific information about habits and behaviors and suggestions of how to change them are very useful.
If I were to guess, I’d imagine that you hold the floor longer than most people and miss cues when other people want to contribute to the conversation. But that is just a guess. If you ask someone who knows you, they could tell you more definitively. That could ease your frustration….
Comment by merylrunion — April 4, 2010 @ 3:38 pm
I sometimes have trouble coming to the point, often adding in too many qualifiers and self-deprecating comments. If I’m not consciously choosing to edit myself, people get impatient and talk over me. It’s hurtful, but with awareness of my communication problem I’ve learned to watch people very closely for clues that they are getting impatient so I know I have to stop sidetracking and get to the point. So if you’re guilty of “holding the floor” as Meryl says, you’re not alone!
P.S. Meryl, you made my day mentioning me in your newsletter!
Comment by Grace — April 7, 2010 @ 8:58 pm