November 5, 2008Ask Meryl ~ When the boss side-talks
Meryl,
I attended a seminar of yours several years ago, and I still look forward to the news letter every week to learn new tips. I have a question on how to handle a work situation.
My manager has recently asked me to take more leadership of our team. One of the responsibilities is to run our weekly staff meeting. My manager is very social, and he will often start a side conversation with other members of the team, keeping them from hearing what we are currently discussing. My reaction has been to just stop talking and interrupt them to say, “Excuse me, I did not catch that? Did you have a question?” He will then look sheepish, and say, “Oh, sorry” but will do this again a few minutes later.
The last time this happened, I asked the person that he was talking to after the meeting alone what it was about, and they were chatting about the weekend. I told my manager that I view this as a lack of respect for me. If he is giving me the responsibility to run these meetings, then I need his support during the meetings. Is there another way that I can say this that can help him understand that while he may think it is okay to distract (because he is the manager), it is not the time nor the place. Also, is there a better way to interrupt the side chatter when it happens?
Thank you,
Meryl says,
I think you’re handling it fine and the fact that he doesn’t react to your reminders is a good sign that he will be willing to work with you if you take it up a notch by being more direct.
Address it privately. Say,
- As the manager, people take their cues from you. I think you’re not aware of how disruptive your side talk is. Will you help me keep the focus by not having side conversations?
If you think it’s needed, you can also ask
- How should I handle it if you forget and start a side conversation?
Does this sound doable? Let me know – and send me a success story once you’ve spoken up.
November 5, 2008Poison Phrase ~ You wouldn’t be interested
When I asked Nick about a talk he was giving, he replied,
- You wouldn’t be interested.
That was for me to determine.
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- Poison Phrase ~ Money back guarantee
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November 5, 2008Reader Success Story ~ negotiating with an ex
I read your book and get your emails to help me with work communication (I sell real estate). I am excited how speaking strong has helped in my personal life as well.
My husband’s first wife is very loud, difficult and controlling. Because they have a son together, sometimes this creeps into my life. Recently, my step-son was having trouble in school and his mother wanted to take him out of football – insisted and demanded he be taken out of football actually. At our “family meeting” I actually spoke up and said:
Taking him out of sports has never motivated him to do better in school in the past and I don’t believe it ever will. I feel that the purpose of these meetings is for you to force us to agree with the decisions you’ve already made. I will not agree to take him out of football and would like to discuss alternative ways to motivate him in school.
I’m happy to say my husband, and HERS, both agreed with me. I don’t expect her to change her tune anytime soon, but I feel good that I stayed calm and spoke strongly in the face of her tirade. And he’s still in football – so far.
November 5, 2008This Week in the World ~ Know what you’re sensitive to
Last week I told a friend what foods I’m allergic to. I summed it up by telling her, “It’s difficult to be such a sensitive critter, but it does help that I at least know what I’m sensitive to.”
Yes, it helps to know about food sensitivities – and it also helps to know about verbal sensitivities. We all have different sensitivities. For example, I recently cringed when “Sue” pressured “Jake” for a favor. I reacted, but Jake didn’t miss a beat. He said,
- Please respect my decision and don’t try to coerce me into doing something I choose not to.
They moved on to another topic, and were as friendly as ever after that.
I wouldn’t have been as cool. When people I care about pressure me, it feels physical. I often react as if I have to comply or resist. Jake did neither. He isn’t as sensitive to coercion as I am.
Another dynamic I’m sensitive to is the suggestion that if I can’t clearly identify why I’m upset, my grievance is not legitimate. That shuts me down fast – but not like it shut me down before I discovered the sensitivity.
The more familiar you are with the kinds of communication you’re sensitive to, the more able you will be to respond instead of react. Be sure you can digest what you ingest.
If my next point doesn’t make sense to you, ignore it. If it does, this might be one of the most useful posts I’ve written.
I’m kinesthetic. I evaluate things by feeling. I’ll say, “That hit me wrong,” or “What she said doesn’t feel right,” or “I was touched by his words.” I often assess PowerPhrases and Poison Phrases by scanning my body’s response. That can be a useful discernment tool – but last weekend I realized it comes at a price. Here’s what happened.
My friend “Shannon” and I attended a talk with that started nicely, but didn’t sit well in the end. After the first ten minutes, I wanted out. After a tedious half hour, I felt weak, blocked and anxious. I had to exercise to get back into balance.
Shannon had the same assessment of the talk, but she didn’t take it in her body to evaluate it. She observed that the speaker started speaking from his heart, moved to ego, became very intellectual at times and spoke coercively at other times. She did not run everything he said through her body to make those determinations. Instead, she paid attention to his body language and wording and decided what to let in to feel and what to keep out. As a result, she didn’t take the hit from the talk that I did.
I spent the rest of the conference trying to learn everything I could from Shannon.
My kinesthetic friends are as excited about this information as I am, because it means we don’t have to take in poison. We can avoid ingesting things that don’t nourish us – but let the things in that do.
Can you imagine how transformative that skill can be? It’s like discovering that you’re allergic to dairy without having to drink it to find out.
What are you sensitive to? And what do you have to do to find out? I’d love to hear your experiences, and I’ll update you about my explorations.
November 5, 2008PowerPhrase ~ Thank you for sharing your loss
When you speak on a personal level, you can feel vulnerable. There’s always a risk that someone will respond to a sensitive revelation in an insensitive way. That’s why I took notes when a gentleman shared that his wife had just miscarried, and one of the people in the room responded by saying,
- Thank you for sharing your loss.
What a gift it is to share your heart, and what a gift it is when someone acknowledges that sharing in such a sensitive way.
It’s just as important to acknowledge it when someone risks telling you that you did something that hurt them. A friend recently told me,
- Thanks for addressing this. I want you to know that I care about your heart and I’m sorry that I hurt it.
The first time she told me that, I knew I had found a longterm friend. Safety in communicaton is sweet indeed.
