December 24, 2008This Week in the World ~ Great advice for quality time
What was the best advice you implemented this year? For me, it was the suggestion that my husband and I have weekly 3-4 hour dates. It has deepened our relationship and heightened our joy of being together.
I told my hairdresser about our dates, and she shared that she and her husband had been trapped in their car during a snowstorm for 5 hours the previous week. They rarely get time alone together, and the 5 hours flew by. She told me it was the best thing that could have happened to their relationship.
Connection and understanding take time. Quality and quantity.
Quality time is not just for personal relationships
Don’t think this advice is just for personal relationships. Managers discover that office conversations they “don’t have the time for” are essential to smooth office functioning. They find that regular staff meetings that they plan and prepare for make the difference between success and failure.
So don’t wait for a snowstorm. Make time for the people you love and make time for the people you work with.
Your turn – please share the advice you appreciate with the SpeakStrong Community.
What great advice did you implement in ’08? Please share your story with my readers. It could be something as mundane as using hair gel on your eye-brows or as significant as getting medical care that saved you life. What did someone suggest to you that made you glad you listened?
(Credit and thanks to Jeffrey Armstrong for his great quality date advice.)
December 24, 2008PowerPhrase ~ That’s why I say…
When I studied song-writing, a friend explained that a chorus is a summary of what the verses describes. She gave me the sentence stem,
- That’s why I say…
I used the sentence stem to create choruses that captured the essence of my song. (I can’t tell my heart what to feel, there’s an end for each beginning, there’s a night for every day, etc.)
Summary statements in SpeakStrong (the book)
In rewriting and editing my new book Speak Strong, I continually discovered I had laid out fabulous tips and great techniques but had neglected to summarize them. In the revisions, I took my tips to conclusions.
Summary statements in conversations
Some people are too quick to draw conclusions and summarize without laying out evidence. Others lay out the evidence and expect the conclusion to be obvious. Powerful communication requires both. That’s why I say, lay the foundation and summarize.
Just in time for the holidays – sugar addiction and persuasion in a sample SpeakStrong chapter
SpeakStrong details 51 communication skills with dos, don’ts, whys, why not’s, examples, PowerPhrases, Poison Phrases, and, after my rewrites, summary conclusions of each communication skill required to Speak Strong. I have a sample chapter for you here, some holiday survival tips.
*****SpeakStrong is now available for shipping. *********
December 24, 2008Poison Phrase ~ Should I sent you some samples to try?
Randy chatted with Cory about his latest product line, and asked,
- Should I send you some samples?
Cory agreed – but was stunned when the box arrived. Cory had expected small bottles of a few items but received large bottles of many items with a bill for $300.
While Cory should have asked for clarification, it was in Randy’s interest to protect the good-will by being clear up front.
December 18, 2008This Week in the World ~ Opportunity in relationship challenges
What do you do when relationships get uncomfortable? Many people shut down and disappear. Others shut down and hide behind a happy face. Some get aggressive to shut the other person down. I recommend you keep your heart open and tell a deeper level of truth.
Have you ever dreamt you were in public, not fully dressed? It’s usually an embarrassing discovery, symbolic of being unprepared. However, the last time I had that dream, no one seemed to notice, and everyone was comfortable including me. I saw it as a new level of comfort with being myself in the world. Like my friend who, when asked if I could write about an experience she had or if it would blow her cover, she replied that she didn’t have a cover to blow. What freedom.
Recently I dreamt that some friends tossed me some clothes and told me to put them on and start talking. I liked the clothes, but still had to decide if I wanted to wear them or not.
When people tell me they’ve hit some rocks in their relationship, I tell them their relationship is working. It’s gotten real. They’re touching each other on deep levels. This is the opportunity to cultivate true intimacy and/or genuine friendship. It’s the opportunity to question the clothes they wear in that particular relationship and decide how well they fit. If they keep their hearts open, they can discover wonderful new levels of relating.
Cut to the Core
One of my favorite chapters in my new SpeakStrong book is Cut to the Core. In order to say what you mean, you need to know what you mean. This chapter helps you uncover your deeper meanings.
It looks like SpeakStrong will be available for shipping Monday. The pre-order special lasts until I get my copies. Order now to save shipping. (US only.)
December 18, 2008PowerPhrase of the Week ~ I’d be delighted to do that for you
Rick used to grudgingly agree to do things for his colleagues until someone mentioned that it made him reluctant to ask for help. That’s when Rick decided he should either decline or agree cheerfully. His PowerPhrase became,
- I’d be delighted to do that for you.
Interestingly, he discovered there was more joy in the service he offered when he did that.
December 18, 2008Poison Phrase of the Week ~ That’s ridiculous
If someone has an issue or concern, they might not immediately be able to express it in a way that makes perfect sense. You can shut them down fast if you say something like
- That’s ridiculous.
If you can stay open long enough to help them clarify their point, you might find they have a valuable insight that will help. If you’re too quick to go after conclusions, you might miss the opportunity for clarity.
December 18, 2008Reader Question ~ Holiday Conversation
Meryl,
My forgetfulness gets me in trouble. One of my friends invited me over a month ago to her home for Christmas Eve. My new boyfriend invited me to a family gathering for Christmas Day. Then my girlfriend mentioned something about Christmas Day, and I said I made plans with my boyfriend. She was insulted because she said I agreed to be at her house for both days. I told her how sorry I was, but I only remembered accepting an invitation for Christmas Eve. She said she was very disappointed, and I felt like a jerk.
Do you have any suggestions as to how I could have handled this differently?
Meryl responds
It sounds like you handled it fine, and like you have a good friendship where she was willing and able to tell you when she was offended.
However, there are a couple of conversations I suggest you initiate.
1) Are you sure the issue is your memory? Could it be you heard her invitation differently? When my husband and I have this kind of misunderstanding, we debrief the conversation to find out where we lost each other. Not so fun, but useful. We often find it wasn’t that I forgot or he forgot – the issue was we had different understandings about what we were saying.
2) It’s common for women to disappear and abandon their friends when a new man comes along (or an old one returns). Perhaps she’s afraid that will happen to her. Of course friends need to adjust to changes in each other’s lives, and it helps to initiate conversations about changes and how they will and won’t affect your friendship.
The fact that she was disappointed doesn’t make you a jerk. It’s one of those things that happens. Holidays force us to play favorites, and feelings get hurt in the process. If the friendship is strong, she’ll get over it – if she hasn’t already.
Have a fabulous holiday.
More conversations
One of my favorite features of my new book is the audio CD that describes conversations that people need to initiate at work. There are conversations for supervisors, for team leaders, for performance managers and for entrepreneurial employees. Read more about it here.
December 18, 2008Success story ~ Kim’s title
From Kim: Thank you to everyone who submitted suggestions for my business title, and thank you Meryl for the suggestion of having your readers help me out. The comment that really spoke volumes to me was the description of “organizing, protecting and assisting the elderly.” Perfect. Those words describe exactly what my heart’s goal is in helping the elderly in these areas. Those words say it all. Thank you to everyone for your suggestions, I really appreciated the feedback. Now I’m excited to get started.
December 11, 2008This Week in the World ~ Closets, Pandora’s Box, Kim’s Title and SpeakStrong Release
A friend teased me about opening up a Pandora’s Box in a conversation, to which I playfully replied: “That’s what I do.” Some boats need to be rocked, and some boxes need to be opened and their contents need to be faced.
I opened a Pandora’s box this week when I decided to clean closets.
I thought it would be a mindless way to decompress after all my heavy intellectual focus. I forgot about the hundreds of decisions it requires me to make, and the history of bad decisions it forces me to admit to. “What was I thinking when I bought that?”
I’m fighting the temptation to hold on to things I’ll never use because to give them away would be to admit to bad judgment in buying them in the first place.
If I am this reluctant to acknowledge bad choices in something as benign as my wardrobe, imagine the reluctance to acknowledge choices and behaviors that cause harm. You see examples of it on reality TV: people argue the unarguable, deny the obvious and contradict themselves. They often lie even when the truth would get them a better result.
Admitting error is the first step to keep from making the same mistake again. Even on trivial matters like that skirt I bought on sale, it helps to understand what I was thinking at the time, why it was a poor choice, and what a better choice would have been. For bigger matters, that understanding is critical.
This week’s question is about how to speak to a parole board after serving many years for a serious crime. This is a life-changing conversation about a life-changing poor choice.
While the consequences of this conversation are too serious for me to want to be this person’s sole resource, I offer my suggestions. I invite your input as well.
Kim’s title
And thank-you for your fabulous suggestions for last week’s Reader Question. Kim was thrilled by all the ideas. I am impressed. Read them here.
Advanced SpeakStrong orders
Thanks as well for the flurry of advance orders for SpeakStrong – the book. My release date has moved up to December 23rd. You still have time to take advantage of my special.
December 11, 2008PowerPhrase ~ Will you please take me off speakerphone?
Speakerphone is great for group conversations and impersonal discussions. It’s not so great for personal conversations that require sensitivity. If speakerphone inhibits your thinking and openness, say so.
Simply ask,
- Will you please take me off speakerphone? It feels more personal to be speaking directly, and I can think better.
