December 11, 2008Reader Question ~ Parole

Meryl,

My father is coming up for parole after having served 30 years in prison for a robbery and attempted murder conviction. His release will depend upon whether or not he can convince a panel of parole commissioners that he has a tremendous amount of remorse for the harm he caused to the victim. He will also need to apologize for his crime, and also convince the board that he is not a threat to the community. Can you help or refer me to someone who can?

Meryl says,

Wow. I will give you the best advice I can and ask my list if there is professional help available. I need to give you the disclaimer that this is not my expertise, although my expertise can apply to this situation.

The Speak Strong philosophy is to say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it. Say what you mean is what you think, feel and want. Mean what you say means back your words up with action – and to say it in a way where people believe that you will walk your talk. Don’t be mean when you say it means leave out the attacks and the digs.

Here are some things that I would look for if I were on the board.

1) Acknowledge that no apology can undo the action. In the words of Stephen Covey, “You can’t talk your way out of something you walked your way into.”

I can’t undo what I did with an apology, or with my 25 years of prison, but I need to apologize anyway.
I could apologize a thousand times and it would just be a beginning.
I’m deeply sorry.

2) Acknowledge the specific pain and harm inflicted.

I regret what I did because…
I realize now that my actions caused…(specific pain)

3) A glimpse inside of his heart – but carefully to avoid implying he’s the victim or that he’s seeking sympathy.

I feel… humble, horrified, ashamed…
I am…grateful for the opportunity to be considered for parole.

4) Reasons to believe the future will be different

I am not the same man I was 25 years ago. Here’s how my time in prison has changed me…
If I am given my freedom, I will make amends by…

The main thing is the need to be honest. His best words are in his own heart. I provide starter phrases, but if he fills them in with what he thinks they need to hear instead of what he genuinely feels, they won’t have the power. I’m assuming he really does feel these things you tell me they want to hear.

Also, avoid ANYTHING that transfers guilt or paints him as victim. Avoid comments like: this never would have happened if he hadn’t… or haven’t I been punished enough?

That’s what I have for now. Because it’s not my expertise and the stakes are so high, I’ll see if I can help you locate someone who knows the parole system. I’d like to print this in my newsletter (anonymously and with some detail removed) to invite input and other sources of information.

I wish you well. It sounds like he’s lucky to have your support.