December 11, 2008Poison Phrase ~ Partnership opportunity
This week’s Poison Phrase isn’t inherently wrong but has become suspect by overuse and abuse. I receive a couple of emails each week that offer me a:
- partnership opportunity
The “opportunities” are usually generic offers with little to gain for myself or my community. (That’s you.)
So when I received an email with those words in the header last month, I was not in a hurry to open it. When I finally did open it, I discovered it was a personal offer of a genuine opportunity that I was pleased to accept.
December 11, 2008Reader Question ~ Parole
Meryl,
My father is coming up for parole after having served 30 years in prison for a robbery and attempted murder conviction. His release will depend upon whether or not he can convince a panel of parole commissioners that he has a tremendous amount of remorse for the harm he caused to the victim. He will also need to apologize for his crime, and also convince the board that he is not a threat to the community. Can you help or refer me to someone who can?
Meryl says,
Wow. I will give you the best advice I can and ask my list if there is professional help available. I need to give you the disclaimer that this is not my expertise, although my expertise can apply to this situation.
The Speak Strong philosophy is to say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it. Say what you mean is what you think, feel and want. Mean what you say means back your words up with action – and to say it in a way where people believe that you will walk your talk. Don’t be mean when you say it means leave out the attacks and the digs.
Here are some things that I would look for if I were on the board.
1) Acknowledge that no apology can undo the action. In the words of Stephen Covey, “You can’t talk your way out of something you walked your way into.”
- I can’t undo what I did with an apology, or with my 25 years of prison, but I need to apologize anyway.
- I could apologize a thousand times and it would just be a beginning.
I’m deeply sorry.
2) Acknowledge the specific pain and harm inflicted.
- I regret what I did because…
- I realize now that my actions caused…(specific pain)
3) A glimpse inside of his heart – but carefully to avoid implying he’s the victim or that he’s seeking sympathy.
- I feel… humble, horrified, ashamed…
- I am…grateful for the opportunity to be considered for parole.
4) Reasons to believe the future will be different
- I am not the same man I was 25 years ago. Here’s how my time in prison has changed me…
- If I am given my freedom, I will make amends by…
The main thing is the need to be honest. His best words are in his own heart. I provide starter phrases, but if he fills them in with what he thinks they need to hear instead of what he genuinely feels, they won’t have the power. I’m assuming he really does feel these things you tell me they want to hear.
Also, avoid ANYTHING that transfers guilt or paints him as victim. Avoid comments like: this never would have happened if he hadn’t… or haven’t I been punished enough?
That’s what I have for now. Because it’s not my expertise and the stakes are so high, I’ll see if I can help you locate someone who knows the parole system. I’d like to print this in my newsletter (anonymously and with some detail removed) to invite input and other sources of information.
I wish you well. It sounds like he’s lucky to have your support.
December 5, 2008This Week in the World ~ Speak Strong book release, childrening, Jr. Achievement
SpeakStrong – the book
Thanks to all of you who told me you missed me during my newsletter hiatus. I’ve been on a workathon. The great news is, my next book, Speak Strong, will be ready in time for the New Year. Advanced copies will be available January 2nd. What a wonderful start to the year. I’m told it’s my best work yet.
While Speak Strong won’t be here in time for Christmas, you do still have time to order from the SpeakStrong library. I offer a generous discount on bulk orders. Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors is the most popular bulk order book I have. You can find the discount schedule here. http://www.speakstrong.com/store/qty_discounts.html
If you pre-order Speak Strong, I’ll cover the costs of shipping. Read more about it here: http://www.speakstrong.com/store/speak-strong.html
Childrening
My son visited over Thanksgiving, and that means our technology is newly upgraded. He still enjoys occasional parenting, but the balance has shifted – he “childrens” us more than we “parent” him. And I will say that, as nice as it is to give, receiving feels pretty good too. I think the word “childrening” should be official.
Junior Achievement couldn’t handle him
My husband recently showed me his Junior Achievement brochure from his high school days. He was the president one year, and was kicked out the next. Why? Because he insisted they shouldn’t sell the product they made because the quality was substandard.
My husband started Speaking Strong long before I did.
December 4, 2008Power Phrase ~ Working without interruption
Boundaries clarify expectations. That’s why Linda appreciated it when Joe told her:
- I need to work uninterrupted for the next two hours. If you have an urgent need, please give me a quick call. Otherwise, I’ll be available at 2:00.
In the past, instead of asking for uninterrupted time, Joe would act irritated when Linda dropped by.
December 4, 2008Poison Phrase ~ Cross me off you list
My friend and mentor Jeffrey Armstrong called to say he was leaving for England that afternoon and he wanted to be sure we spoke before he left. I said something about him being able to,
- Cross me off you list.
Jeffrey insisted he did not regard me as an item on his list.
On later reflection, I realized that even though I was being playful and had no thoughts about my being a task to be completed, my words were depersonalizing. They suggested we were engaged in a transaction, not enjoying a friendship. And even though my intent was innocent, my words contributed to a dynamic that I don’t want to feed. I object to language that depersonalizes, whether it’s a doctor referring to patients as if they are their diseases, or news people referencing dead civilians as “casualties of war,” or me referring to myself as an item on a list. The way we word things reflects how we relate to them. Depersonalization is dehumanizing, and it’s time we all stopped doing that – including me.
I made the Poison Phrase of the Week this week. However, I did refrain from using another Poison Phrase.
It’s as far away as it always was
My son mentioned that since the local highway was expanded into four lanes, “Des Moines got a lot closer.”
My literal self wanted to comment:
- It’s as far away as it always was – it’s just that you can get there faster now.
But my better self resisted the temptation and refrained from correcting. Sometimes being right means being obnoxious.
December 4, 2008Reader Question ~ Help Kim find her perfect title
This week’s reader question is from my bookkeeper to you. She’s on a quest for the perfect job title. I’m sure many of you have been there – wondering how to respond when someone asks – what do you do? I’d like to get a dialogue going that will help her figure out what to put on her business cards, and that will get us all thinking about how we describe what we do.
Kim provides elder support services. She prepares financial paperwork and summary statements, pays bills, does accounting for year end taxes, reviews insurance coverage; sorts files; exercises limited powers of attorney; provides conservator or guardian services, writes letters, provides companionship and runs errands.
What do you think she should call her self? The term Financial Assistant sounds like she offers investment advice, which she doesn’t, and the term Bookkeeper is too limited. It sounds to me like she’s taking care of elders the way some children take care of their aging parents. I wish the word “childrening” was common usage rather than something I just made up, because that would be a perfect description. What ideas can you recommend?
December 4, 2008Success Story ~ Fun together first
My husband and I had both been working too hard, and were getting on each other’s nerves. We started to have a discussion about our relationship, but I suggested we should schedule some fun together and then talk. It took some discipline, because we both wanted to unload our upset on each other, but we did it. We had a great time, and after that our conversation went more easily.
It seems to me one of the best things we can do for the people we love is to take care of ourselves and keep our own spirits up. The right words come more easily when we’re happy.
