January 14, 2009This Week in the World ~ Mixed messages, feedback and life-saving conversations

Filed under: This Week in the World by merylrunion |

My latest article about loss, life cycles and plosive realism includes lyrics to a song I wrote to my late husband, Michael Kent Runion. It provides a beautiful example of how different words to describe the same reality create entirely different impressions.

Read it here: All Sides of the Moon

Mixed messages, feedback, and life-saving conversations
Oops: Sometimes I think I’d rather not know when I make mistakes. I’d like to pretend I’m perfect. But ultimately it’s useful to know what to improve.

Last week I told the story about how I didn’t speak up when my late husband showed signs of cancer. The group was with me and I received lots of positive feedback about it. But I cringed, laughed, and wanted to cry when someone observed that I had a picture of Linda Larsen jumping for joy on my PowerPoint the whole time I told the story.

I’d call that a mixed message. Of course everyone knew the picture was left over from earlier in the presentation, but I expect they all noticed the contrast, consciously or unconsciously.

We speak, they decide: Many of my readers know the story about my husband’s illness. (If you don’t, it’s on page 11 of PowerPhrases! and is available on my website.) Not many of my readers know the “sequel.”

A few years later, my best friend developed cancer symptoms. It was déjà vu; she didn’t want to talk about it. This time, I refused to pretend everything was okay when I strongly believed it wasn’t.

I said what I meant and meant what I said without being mean when I said it. My friend received a cancer diagnosis but refused the recommended surgery. I later lost my friend to untreated cancer – but this time I never lost myself. I told the truth as I saw it, but it was her decision to make. And who am I to say it wouldn’t have been more gruesome had she gone the medical route? I spoke my peace and loved her through her final year.

Aggressive is not the alternative to passive: There are other communication challenges in life/death conversations. Last week a woman told me she spoke so aggressively when her husband showed cancer symptoms that he shut her out. Truth can get lost in aggressive as well as passive communication.

Assertiveness rules: However, “Nancy” told me she told her business partner that she was going to call her every day until she went to see a doctor about symptoms she displayed. Nancy said it was just what her partner needed to take her symptoms seriously. Her partner thanked Nancy for “harassing her.” Of course it wasn’t true harassment. My friend knew her partner welcomed her concern. Nancy would have respected her partner’s preferences had her partner heard her concerns and asked her to back off.

We speak, they decide. We can’t control other people, but we can honor our own observations. That’s what PowerPhrases and Speak Strong are all about.

And when the stakes are high, it’s important to have the skills sharp and ready to use.