January 27, 2009Ask Meryl ~ Dominating peer
Hi Meryl
One of my peers dominates meetings, and when something needs to be done she informs us she will do it, even though it’s my job responsibility. I usually say nothing out of frustration. How can I address this?
Meryl Responds:
Is it possible that some people would appreciate having their work done for them? This is the first time anyone has expressed concern over someone being too helpful… Come from the angle that her volunteering isn’t inherently wrong, it just creates some problems for you.
This calls for a private conversation. Say,
- Name, I notice you volunteer for a lot of projects (tasks) that are actually my responsibility, and I wonder why. Do you consider me incompetent to handle my own job responsibilities? I appreciate your help, but I need to tell you that when you step into my lane, it makes me feel irrelevant. Instead of commandeering my responsibilities, could you ask if I’d like help with those things instead? And I’ll do the same for you.
Adapt it to your situation, but the main point is to seek to understand why she does what she does and be concrete about what you want her to do instead.
And as a PS, if she is as domineering as she sounds, you might need to lay the ground rules before you state your case. Something like,
- Name, there’s something I need to discuss and I’d like five minutes of your time without interruption to tell you what it is. Can you offer me that?
Tell me how it goes!
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A number of things I read in Meryl’s response struck me as different from what I would expect. My comments are interspersed in CAPS only to set them apart from the original response:
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(Name), I notice you volunteer
“VOLUNTEER” IS A FRIENDLY, POSITIVE WORD; I WILL COME BACK TO IT.
for a lot of projects (tasks) that are actually my responsibility, and I wonder why.
IS THIS AN ACTUAL QUESTION TO THE “DOMINATOR,” OR SHOULD IT BE PHRASED DIFFERENTLY? ALSO, IT’S NEITHER TIME- NOR OCCURRENCE-SPECIFIC, SO THEIR ENTIRE WORK HISTORY TOGETHER IS NOW ON THE TABLE.
Do you consider me incompetent to handle my own job responsibilities?
YIKES, THAT SEEMS TO BE VERY ACCUSATORY, AND WOULD BE A RATHER LARGE JUMP FOR A PEER WHO PERHAPS DIDN’T REALIZE SHE WAS USURPING THE OTHER PERSON’S RESPONSIBILITIES.
REGARDLESS, I WOULD EXPECT A VERY DEFENSIVE REACTION AFTER THAT QUESTION.
I appreciate your help,
OH, REALLY? THEN WHY IS THE NEXT WORD…
but
WHICH WE GENERALLY REGARD AS NEGATING THAT WHICH CAME BEFORE?
I need to tell you that when you step into my lane, it makes me feel irrelevant.
OOPS, SHE JUST GAVE CONTROL OF HER FEELINGS TO TO DOMINATING PEER…
ADDITIONALLY, IF THE DOMINATOR WAS TRULY UNAWARE OF WHAT SHE WAS DOING AND THE EFFECT IT HAD ON THE WRITER, THE “STEP INTO MY LANE” COMMENT COULD COME ACROSS AS MEAN-SPIRITED, WHICH WE STRONG SPEAKERS CERTAINLY DON’T WANT…
Instead of commandeering my responsibilities,
JUST A SECOND AGO SHE WAS VOLUNTEERING, NOW SHE’S COMMANDEERING. QUITE A SHIFT IN TONE…
could you ask if I’d like help with those things instead? And I’ll do the same for you.
YES, I’M SURE THE DOMINATOR WILL EAGERLY ACCEPT OFFERS OF ASSISTANCE AFTER THAT EXCHANGE…
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I have a suggestion as well. I’m interested in all of your responses. It seems to me that what the writer wants to do is request a behavior change from the dominator. While I understand the writer’s frustration, and the potential frustration of anyone else in the meeting, we still need to say what we mean and mean what we say without being mean when we say it. How about this?
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(Name), in the meeting earlier, when the ____ issue came up, you immediately jumped in and said you’d take care of it. I’m not sure if you know this, but that area of responsibility falls directly under my job description. When you offered to step in, I actually felt pretty marginalized. That’s happened a few other times in the past as well, and it really took me some time to understand how I felt about it. I’m sorry I didn’t bring it up sooner, because what’s happening is that I’m feeling tension between us, and I don’t like that. Now that I’ve been able to clear the air from my perspective, I’m wondering what your thoughts are about this situation.
[Dominator responds. (Remember-- seek first to understand, then to be understood.)]
Thank you for sharing that. In the future, I’m going to be more assertive about speaking up in meetings when it comes to taking responsibility for things for which I am indeed responsible. I really appreciate your enthusiasm and willingness to contribute, and I’d love to be able to count on you for support and advice. Would that be ok with you?
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We have two choices in a situation like this: build a bridge or build a wall. Bridges are often more valuable.
Comments?
Comment by merylfan2009 — January 29, 2009 @ 8:47 am
“Meryl Fan, you make a lot of great catches. Thanks for taking the time!
I will respond to each point, but I want to start with a simplification. I always look for the simplest way to say things, but I don’t always find them right away.
If I were to respond to this woman’s question now, I would suggest she simply ask,
* Are you aware that (project) is my responsibility?
She could ask that sincerely. The question will bring up the incursion without accusation.
Okay, on to more detail. Yep, Volunteer is a good word and I should have stayed with it later.
The incompetent question could raise defensiveness, you’re right. If you’re sincerely wondering that, it still might be a good question, but probably the best approach would be to ask an open ended question about why she volunteers for her jobs instead of suggesting a reason.
I’m not as opposed to the word “but” as many people in the communication industry are. I think it qualifies instead of negates what came before, and does not need to be avoided at all costs like some suggest. I also find the “stepping into my lane” comment to be more descriptive than mean spirited.
I agree that “makes me feel” is a poor choice of words. So while I suggest changing it to, “When you step into my lane, I feel irrelevant” I differ with the prevailing wisdom that suggests that if we let people know how their behavior affects us emotionally, we’re losing power. Most conversations have a strong emotional component, and we ignore the power of emotions when we forget that. The workplace isn’t a place for emotional displays, but we loose a lot if we depersonalize everything and pretend it doesn’t hurt when someone steps on our feet.
Thanks so much for your recommended revision. I think your suggestions are brilliant. I would shave the comments about not bringing these issues up in the past just for the purpose of brevity, but have those words ready in case the discussion calls for them later.
Finally, “Meryl Fan:” you’ve known me for years. I hope you know I’m all about building bridges and never intentionally recommend words that would create barriers. Unintentionally is another matter, of course. Divisive words do slip in at times, and when they do, I have the best readers in the world – readers who tell me when my recommendations leave room for improvement. So thanks for your excellent input. I hope other readers will weigh in on this discussion.
Comment by merylrunion — February 1, 2009 @ 10:06 pm
Hi again,
Yes, I DEFINITELY know that you are all about building bridges.
I loved your response. Let’s hear from some others out there!
Comment by merylfan2009 — February 5, 2009 @ 10:55 am
I’d probably address it something like this -
“Dominator, your ‘I’ll do it’ attitude is one we can really use wisely in this office, and I want you to use it. We all do. Keep in mind that an ‘I’ll do it’ attitude is best appreciated when it doesn’t over-step the job-boundaries of others. In the meeting today you jumped right in and said ‘I can do it’, but did you stop to think, ‘unless somebody else all ready has that situation handled’?”
I’m wondering if Dominator is truly dominating. I wonder if she isn’t actually suffering from poor self-esteem and is trying to “look effective, useful” to others around her. If that’s the case, then giving her wide parameters with which to express her need without stepping on toes seems wise.
This allows Dominator to grow and expand her vision of ‘I’ll do it’ while allowing Dominatee the right and responsibilily to speak strong about her own job.
Comment by kym — February 5, 2009 @ 9:36 pm
I once suffered from “I’ll do it” Syndrome. It was a side effect of the “If I do it, I know it will be done right” Disease that plagued me for years.
A manager I once had finally cured me of it in the nicest, most positive chewing-out I ever received. He said (paraphrasing), “I am really glad to see you take initiative and volunteer for things. You do good work. I would like some of your co-workers to have the same opportunity to stand out, though. Could you hang back when we discuss new projects for a while? If no one else volunteers, then you and I can discuss the possibility of you taking it on.”
DLPoff
Comment by DLPoff — February 11, 2009 @ 12:59 pm