February 24, 2009This Week in the World ~ A way in, communication EQ
A Way In
My friend Ahriana has amazing creative kids. I think it’s because she takes deep interest in whatever they’re interested in. Interest is a great way to keep relationships strong.
I remembered that just in time when my husband talked about how in college he loved a cartoon band called The Banana Splits. At first I listened politely, waiting for him to finish so we could talk about something “interesting.” But then I realized that by sharing something that had meaning for him, he was sharing himself with me. Suddenly I discovered that The Banana Splits were a lot more interesting than I had thought. Listening with interest turned out to be a way into his heart. We had a lovely morning. It’s surprising what can lead to connection.
SpeakStrong Changes Your Communication Operating System, “Best EQ book on the market”
My new book, SpeakStrong, takes a little longer to appreciate than PowerPhrases does. But I’ve been getting some great reviews lately from people who recognize what it’s really about. One person said PowerPhrases! is great for paint-by-numbers and SpeakStrong has the biggest potential to impact people’s lives. EQ (emotional intelligence) expert Wanda Spina refers to SpeakStrong as “the best EQ book on the market.” Another reviewer told me the audio that comes with SpeakStrong “could have been a whole separate product.” She went on to say, “You gave so much with this book.” She’s right. I did.
My favorite review was from my father who is one tough critic. If he didn’t like it, he would tell me. But he said it was “way past the others,” “more demanding and therefore more powerful.” He said I’m not just helping people to speak at a higher level but to actually be better people. He said his only complaint was that I didn’t write it 75 years ago.
If you’re ready to change your communication operating system instead of just upgrading your “communication software,” get SpeakStrong. I have generous discounts for bulk orders for all my books.
Strong people need SpeakStrong skills as much or more than gentler ones
Stay tuned next week and I’ll tell you why.
February 24, 2009PowerPhrase ~ Ask me privately
Kids know how to work their parents. That’s what Kris’ daughter was doing when she asked if she could have friends over in front of their parents. Kris ended that manipulation by telling her daughter,
- Ask me privately and I will consider it. Ask me in front of others, I’ll say no.
She also explained to her daughter why her behavior was manipulative and inappropriate. (Kris had read all about manipulative communication in my new book, SpeakStrong.) Her daughter asks in private now. (This PowerPhrase is courtesy of The Detective Mom.)
February 24, 2009Poison Phrase ~ Go with the flow
I recently attended a workshop that did not come close to being on schedule. I had gone out of my way to arrive on time, and quickly learned my diligence was wasted effort. When I mentioned how difficult the lack of timeliness made it to plan, I was told to…
- Just go with the flow.
Whose flow? Lunch at noon one day and 3:15 the next might have fit the facilitator’s flow, but it sure didn’t fit mine. It might have fit the facilitator’s flow to have a leisurely casual private conversation with someone while everyone else waited for the class to start again, but it didn’t fit the flow for the rest of us. Sometimes “go with the flow” is an excuse for a lack of consideration.
February 24, 2009Reader Question ~ Are you making stuff up?
Hi Meryl
SpeakStrong is truly above and beyond PowerPhrases! What I love most about it is that it teaches EQ (Emotional Intelligence) instead of just canned-phrases. It really helps people to see the repercussions of not saying anything.
It calls people out on their stuff but in a way that it allows the individual to see what s/he has sowed/reaped by the lack of communication. The specific examples are excellent (and extremely helpful).
I have one question: Are your examples from live people or are they made up?
Meryl Responds
The stories are real, although I do change them for privacy and clarity. Poetic license, yes. Pure fabrication, no. I collected so many stories over the years that I really do have an example for just about everything. I sometimes fill in a forgotten detail. But life is so full of examples that I could probably illustrate the book with new examples from just last week.
February 24, 2009Kudo Corner ~ Praise from a Colleague
I not only won my father’s praise recently, but also from a colleague whose work I admired long before I wrote PowerPhrases. He wrote,
“I’ve just enjoyed your most recent newsletter and congratulate you on being succinct, delivering value, and being a keen observer. I also pay attention to every word — consciously — as you do and we’re so like-minded. I want you to know that your work is excellent.” George Walther
February 24, 2009Success Story ~ A kid hero
When Claire was ten years old, some friends told her to say hello to a boy who had just entered the pool they were in. She did, but the boy stared blankly back. Claire’s friends laughed as they explained that the boy was deaf, and couldn’t hear her. Their entertainment was at the deaf boy’s expense.
Claire had taught herself sign language, so she returned to the boy to apologize for not realizing he couldn’t hear her. His face lit up as she signed to him. When Claire returned to her friends, they asked her to teach them a few things in sign language. She did, and her friends learned a lot more than sign language – they also learned respect.
Read the whole story on The Detective Mom.
February 17, 2009This Week in the World ~ No perfect words
Sometimes I wonder why I even try to communicate. Every clarification places a limitation. Nuance complicates but generalization obscures. It feels like something vast and beautiful gets reduced to a shadow of its original self.
When I write a PowerPhrase, someone points out when, where and how it could be a Poison Phrase. When I write a Poison Phrase, someone points out when, where and how it could be a PowerPhrase. There’s another side to every story. There’s a perspective I neglected. Every expression communicates a part of the whole, and inquiring minds notice what’s missing.
If you’ve read PowerPhrases!, you know I’m not talking about power over; I’m talking about influence and the ability to get things done. If you’ve read SpeakStrong, you know I’m talking about a strength that is coupled with grace – and can even mean having the strength to stay silent at times. The words “Power” and “Strong” don’t say it all. It takes a whole book to do that.
Words have their limits, but they are often the best we have. And when I told my friend who is having her “moon cycle” and isn’t feeling so well that I love her in her luminance as well as in her radiance, it seemed to capture some of what I was feeling. When my husband told me comments I made sounded like they came from the stadium instead of the team, his words came and got me and reconnected us. I may not have perfect words, and there always will be blog commenters who take me to task and point out what my expression omitted. And I’m glad they do. Because when they add their imperfect words to my imperfect words, the picture comes into better focus. I know I’ll never get it “right” and the process can be clumsy, but the end result can be beautiful.
February 17, 2009PowerPhrase of the Week ~ That’s mean
I overheard Nancy on the phone with Kevin, pressuring him to come to a party she was giving. I tensed up when she started to “guilt-trip” him, and thought about how I would feel if she was pressuring me the way she pressured him. But Kevin seemed unfazed by the tactic. He just said,
- That’s mean.
His voice was pleasant and sweet, and Nancy backed off. She told Kevin she missed him, which had a much different feel than her previous pressure.
I marveled as I listened, because I react to pressure. Had Nancy spoken to me that way, it might not have been a blip on a friendship screen. Kevin Spoke Strong without being combative, and the friendship continued its previous flow
February 17, 2009Poison Phrase of the Week ~ You now have three new friends
When I accept requests on a social networking site, often from people I don’t know, they tell me,
- Congratulations. You have three new friends.
Really? Will they check on me when I’m going through challenges, celebrate my wins with me and share their deepest secrets?
Social networking “friends” cheapen the word, and sugest that all there is to friendship is to agree to be in each other’s network.
February 17, 2009Meeting scheduling
Hi Meryl
My boss continually asks me to set up meetings with him and for him.
His schedule is way more booked than mine, so when I send him a meeting request, it’s usually declined and I have to keep trying dates until we find one that works. How can I put the burden of scheduling the meeting back on her? I don’t know how to ask.
Meryl Responds
Say,
- I’d be happy to schedule meetings if it was efficient, but since you know your schedule so much better than I do and my schedule is more open, it seems to take more time for both of us for me to do it. I’d prefer you set up your own meetings or at least suggest a few times for me so I don’t have to keep contacting you to find out what whether a time works for you or not. Does that sound reasonable?
Does this sound like it could work? Tell me how it goes.
