February 3, 2009Reader discussion ~ Emotional impact
Do you give your power away when you tell someone about the emotional impact of their behavior?
Last week I wrote the following as part of the words I gave my questioner: “When you step into my lane, it makes me feel irrelevant,” “Meryl Fan” commented,
“Oops, she just gave control of her feelings to the dominating peer.”
I admit that “makes me feel” is a poor choice of words. So while I suggest changing it to: “When you step into my lane, I feel irrelevant” I differ with the prevailing wisdom that suggests that if you let people know how their behavior affects you emotionally, you lose power. Most conversations have a strong emotional component, and if you ignore that, you’ll be talking around the issues. The work place isn’t a place for emotional displays, but when someone steps on your toes and crushes them, they will not understand what they’ve done if you hide the blood from them. If someone behaves in a way that has an emotional impact on you, they will not understand why they need to change if no one tells them how it hurts.
There are exceptions, of course. Some people will get power happy if they know you are wounded by their behavior. That’s the exception – not the rule.
What do you think? In general, does communicating the emotional impact of a behavior strengthen or weaken a message? Vote here,
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Here are some comments from discussion voters.
1.I think it really depends on the person you are talking to. If they hate any kind of emotional display then you are automatically turning them off to your frustration as they will refuse to hear and process your input, being factual at this point is the only way to deal with this personality type. Let them know what outcomes they can expect; like lost productivity and move on and take care of yourself. It can strengthen the message is the person who hears this is willing to accept the feelings as an outcome. Hopefully they will work to avoid causing those feelings in the future.
2.”In general” I do believe sharing feelings in dialog is a good thing – it helps others understand you, it helps you understand others. I also believe that discrimination should be used. When dealing with reasonably emotionally healthy people – go for it. Share. When in doubt about the person’s reasonableness – I would caution that indeed the reverse is true, that sharing feelings will only give unhealthy people the ammunition they need to further abuse you. So, share your feelings cautiously. What is that saying about “not throwing pearls to pigs”? It’s good advice. Throw your pearls only to those you will do more than stomp them into the mud.
3.The challenge is in choosing the right word to convey this emotion. Oftentimes, I find it difficult to find the right language when my energy is caught up with an emotional response. Sometimes I’m unable to articulate it well in my first attempt.
Thans for your contributions!
Comment by merylrunion — February 8, 2009 @ 8:21 pm
When I am especially upset with a co-worker’s behavior, I often write out what I would like to say before I try to talk to them, if I can. That gives me the chance to:
1 – Calm down.
2 – “Edit” out inappropriate comments, such as “You’re a real jerk, and you make me sick.”
3 – Keep on topic better.
4 – Decide whether it is a conversation I even need to have.
Sometimes, after writing out what I want to say, I realize that, while the other person might have been at fault, I was overreacting.
Still, I agree that you shouldn’t completely squelch your emotions at work. I have found a coolly stated “I don’t appreciate that remark” can have a great impact. No muss, no fuss. No screaming or tears. Just a calm statement.
DLPoff
Comment by DLPoff — February 11, 2009 @ 12:48 pm