February 3, 2009Reader Question ~ A non-verbal Poison Phrase

Hi Meryl

A friend and her ten-year old child were crossing a parking lot. A man driving a one ton pick-up zoomed past them - quite speedily. She had expected him to slow as he approached but in fact he sped up.

She gesticulated – not with the middle finger but with her arms raised in a ”what are you doing you jerk?” sort of way. He parked, opened the door, and yelled to her, “I am sorry! I just got these new hand controls and am still having trouble using them. Please forgive me!”

She forgave him, but now she feels guilty for not apologizing to him for gesticulating “rudely” at a man who is paralyzed.

The argument is – should she have apologized?

Meryl Responds:
“A PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger.” When non-verbal communication is all you have, that’s your PowerPhrase. So the test I would run is – did her non-verbals say what she meant and mean what she said without being mean when she said it? She used the word rude, so clearly she was aggressive rather than assertive. Most people would have gone aggressive under those circumstances, but if she feels bad about it, it’s probably because she didn’t live up to her own standards. Her non-verbal PowerPhrase in the future might be more a gesture of incredulity.

Disability does not justify anyone putting other’s safety at risk. His actions were reckless at best. Even so, I never justify rudeness. Strength, yes, rudeness no. Clarity, yes, rudeness, no…even when the perpetrator is a jerk instead of a paraplegic who overestimated his skills at using his new vehicles. It’s a standard I hold for myself, not others.

The offender is more likely to get the message when the sender is direct but non-attacking. Rudeness creates defensiveness which decreases the likelihood of learning.

No mother should have to apologize for being rude to someone who almost killed her child – her response was gracious enough. But clearly she holds herself to a higher standard than “gracious enough.” I hope she lets herself off the hook – and that he does too, but that he gets lots of practice driving his pick-up before he ventures out again.