February 10, 2009This Week in the World Space, stories, babies, bathwater, flow and the feminine
My husband just told me about how he always schedules extra time for his clients so they can tell him their stories. If I wasn’t already in love with him, this would have put me over the edge.
He has two reasons – 1) People like to tell their stories. and 2) it gives him clues about how he can help them. Of course there are times when it’s important to focus clients, but skilled professionals understand the value of giving room for the deeper experience to emerge. That kind of listening is my husband’s key to success. Isn’t it what we all want? Someone who will listen to our stories and help us figure out what’s important to our wellbeing and what isn’t?
Sometimes you need to search the bathwater for babies before you throw it out. Our stories tell us where our strengths and our triggers are. My husband’s listening policy creates a balance between goals and process, masculine and feminine, linear and fluid.
He and I experienced another balance between those qualities today. We did my NIA workout together. As a martial artist, he marveled at how the Global Unity Workout immediately balances structured martial arts moves with fluid dance moves. (See why I’m keeping him?) You can get NIA DVDs here.
My new book Speak Strong is about that balance between strong and soft, focused and relaxed, masculine and feminine.
Two new SpeakStrong in Love posts
Speaking of stories, a friend told me he likes talking to me when his relationships hit a wall, because I see occasional turmoil as a natural part of the blending of hearts. In fact, I insist that when couples trigger each other, the relationship is working. Find out why in my new post on SpeakStrong in Love, Congratulations. It’s working.
I have another new post there: Keep the bulls out of your china shop ~ how to keep your heart from becoming calloused. It may appear to contradict my first post, but it isn’t.
Reader discussion results
Responders to last week’s discussion agree with me by an 8:1 ratio that emotional disclosure adds to the power of a message. They provided some insightful comments.
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Related posts which may interest you
- It’s not a man’s world out there anymore – MP3
- This Week in the World ~ Speak Strong book release, childrening, Jr. Achievement
- This Week in the World ~ Martial arts and Story arts
- Do you care too much? Jann Arden’s “Insensitive” seeks insensitivity lessons. HT be appropriately sensitive.
- Song Helps to SpeakStrong. Harmonies smooth the expression of anger
February 10, 2009This Week’s Discussion ~ Gender possessives and pronouns
It drives me crazy almost every time I write. There is no gender neutral word for singular possessives and pronouns. Hence I find myself writing his/her and s/he or even using “their,” (even though “their” is plural.) I don’t mind s/he so much, but his/her is so cumbersome.
It amazes me that we still haven’t developed a new norm for this. Maybe it should start here. What if we decide on new words and just start using them?
And if we do, what will they be?
Thoughts?
February 10, 2009PowerPhrase of the Week ~ Maybe the problem is with the instructions
Marsha complained that no one followed the instructions in the training manual she had compiled. The ensuing conversation focused on how inept people were, until Peter Spoke Strong. He said,
- If people don’t follow the instructions, maybe the problem is with the instructions, not the people.
Marsha preferred to blame the trainees, but got Peter’s point.
February 10, 2009Poison Phrase ~ I will fight for you
I was talking with a woman at the BPW Legislative Conference about how people come out with guns blazing when a conversation gets political. She mentioned a candidate whose slogan was;
- I will fight for you.
“Why fight?” this lady asked. “Why not strategize, work, advocate, negotiate and collaborate for my interests?”
City Councillor Faith Winter spoke at the BPW conference for an hour about how the political process works. Clearly there’s a whole lot more to getting results than fighting.
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Related posts which may interest you
- Women civilized the Wild West and are civilizing politics too
- Inner city youth: listen with heart and quit when you’re ahead
- This Week in the World: What would you like to know about how to talk to your political opposite?
- A Risky Conversation Assessment Form
- Success Story in Progress#4: when the Paved Road crumbles, other interesting road appear
February 10, 2009Reader question ~ How do I address excessive breaks?
Hi Meryl
I am a manager in a small office that consists of mostly part-time employees. The employees are good at what they do, but I’m not sure how to stop the excessive chatter that bubbles up several times a day. Our state does not mandate any break time, and we don’t have a stated break policy, although our philosophy is that employees can certainly have a few moments to decompress now and then, especially because they do a lot of phone work. But when an employee only works a 3-hour shift, and 20-30 minutes of that shift are spent in personal conversations, it distracts those who aren’t participating in the chatter and more importantly, seems like stealing from the company. I don’t want to come across as a penny-pinching hardliner, but I need to find the right words to help them understand that some of these conversations on company time are unacceptable.
Meryl Responds:
I’d put it to them. Say,
- Since we don’t have a stated break policy, I want us to come up with break guidelines that respect our need to decompress, respect the company and also respect coworkers who aren’t taking breaks and need to stay focused.
Then start a brainstorming process about what is reasonable. Research policies others use to provide examples, but make the process as collaborative as possible. That will make it workable and will encourage buy-in.
I suspect they’ll come up with a stricter policy than you would.
February 10, 2009Success Story ~ Manipulative communication
I was reading in SpeakStrong about manipulative speaking – holy cow I used to deal with so much of that. I used to feel guilty pretty easily, People would say “you made me feel X” and I would automatically assume I had done something to “make” them feel that way. Now, if somebody says to me (which most people in my life don’t), “you made me feel x,” my response is, “Do you mean that what I said brought up X feeling in you?” I just clarify it because when I do that, most people are happy to re-configure their words. Those who aren’t – are probably people I might wish to keep at a distance.
February 3, 2009Women civilized the Wild West and are civilizing politics too
Saturday I spoke to a group of women citizen lobbyists about how to stop arguing and start communicating about politics. They proceeded to show me what reasonable dialogue looks like.
My talk was based on my eBook Unite and Concur. After I spoke, researcher Amy Blackwell led a discussion about which bills the group would endorse and lobby against. The questions were insightful and the discussion was informed, reasonable and non-contemptuous. They considered the bills from a woman’s perspective. The conversation wasn’t just by-partisan – it was non-partisan.
Then City Councillor Faith Winter explained how to lobby the state legislature to get a bill passed or killed. It provided a fabulous understanding of how many avenues of persuasion we have in all areas of life – not just politics – if we’re willing to do what it takes.
What impressed me most was that while both speakers have very gentle spirits, they are incredibly influential. I heard that women tamed the wild west long ago. I believe women are doing that in politics now. It was an inspiring conference, and I felt privileged to attend. I write more about my experience in my article, It’s My Democracy and I’m Watching it.
“Meryl Fan” takes me to task on last week’s “Ask Meryl” response
A long time reader and business associate offered me a detailed critique of my response to “Dominating Peer” last week. I asked him to post it online, which he did. He made a lot of great catches. You can read his post and my response here. The biggest reminder I got from his insights is how important it is to start with questions instead of statements and admonishments.
He makes one point that is considered common wisdom in the communication industry that I see differently from most people. I present that topic for this week’s vote and discussion below.
New Articles:
I have four new articles this week.
1. Strategic or habitual silence?
Lessons from a determined mother squirrel and a hapless canine. (It’s mostly pictures)
2. Family priorities: put your partner first. How to stay in love by keeping your loyalties straight.
3. It’s my body and this ain’t normal. How to SpeakStrong to get a doctor to listen to you.
4. It’s my democracy and I’m watching it: How women in politics are civilizing political dialogue
February 3, 2009PowerPhrase ~ You’ve done everything he’s asked you to do and you’ve done it well. Why wouldn’t he keep piling work on you?
Nora is a skilled professional breaking into a new industry. She accepted an apprenticeship with Ned to get exposure in the field, learn the ropes and get connected. She agreed to less than a living wage to manage Ned’s office while she studied with him.
The situation did not turn out as Nora imagined. While she did learn some things from Ned, the vast majority of her time was spent doing grunt work that did not help her professionally. She was burning out on the work without getting the promised rewards. She spoke to Ned about it, but he kept piling projects on her that did not serve her goals.
Nora was frustrated and angry, but a friend pointed out a very simple reality.
- You’ve done everything he’s asked you to do and you’ve done it well. Why wouldn’t he keep piling work on you?
The lights went on for Nora – she was sending mixed messages. The message Ned received was – “I can get this work done at bargain basement prices. Sure, I might have to listen to Nora complain here and there, but so what?”
Nora’s friend told her just what she needed to hear to understand her own role in the situation – and to choose a different role. Nora asked Ned specifically for what she wanted from him (said what she meant) and she spoke in a way where he knew he had to work with her (she meant what she said.) She was grateful to her friend for speaking to her so clearly.
February 3, 2009Poison Phrase ~ Thanks for the $50. I used it to put the dog to sleep.
Claire is chronically depressed. So she’s not a lot of fun to talk to, but her family remembers it must be even less fun to be her. However, it when Claire’s sister sent her a surprise $50 gift, she was a bit incredulous when Claire said,
- Thanks for the $50. I used it to put the dog to sleep.
Why couldn’t she have used a different $50 to put the dog to sleep?
Some people are way more fun to give gifts to than others. My husband paid for his 85-year old Catholic nun “girlfriend” to attend a weekend retreat, and she was so effusive about her appreciation that he wanted to offer her another one. Other people act like they’re entitled. Too many people don’t acknowledge what they’ve received anymore.
When you receive a gift, think about how you can make the giver glad they gave.
February 3, 2009Reader Question ~ A non-verbal Poison Phrase
Hi Meryl
A friend and her ten-year old child were crossing a parking lot. A man driving a one ton pick-up zoomed past them - quite speedily. She had expected him to slow as he approached but in fact he sped up.
She gesticulated – not with the middle finger but with her arms raised in a ”what are you doing you jerk?” sort of way. He parked, opened the door, and yelled to her, “I am sorry! I just got these new hand controls and am still having trouble using them. Please forgive me!”
She forgave him, but now she feels guilty for not apologizing to him for gesticulating “rudely” at a man who is paralyzed.
The argument is – should she have apologized?
Meryl Responds:
“A PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger.” When non-verbal communication is all you have, that’s your PowerPhrase. So the test I would run is – did her non-verbals say what she meant and mean what she said without being mean when she said it? She used the word rude, so clearly she was aggressive rather than assertive. Most people would have gone aggressive under those circumstances, but if she feels bad about it, it’s probably because she didn’t live up to her own standards. Her non-verbal PowerPhrase in the future might be more a gesture of incredulity.
Disability does not justify anyone putting other’s safety at risk. His actions were reckless at best. Even so, I never justify rudeness. Strength, yes, rudeness no. Clarity, yes, rudeness, no…even when the perpetrator is a jerk instead of a paraplegic who overestimated his skills at using his new vehicles. It’s a standard I hold for myself, not others.
The offender is more likely to get the message when the sender is direct but non-attacking. Rudeness creates defensiveness which decreases the likelihood of learning.
No mother should have to apologize for being rude to someone who almost killed her child – her response was gracious enough. But clearly she holds herself to a higher standard than “gracious enough.” I hope she lets herself off the hook – and that he does too, but that he gets lots of practice driving his pick-up before he ventures out again.
