March 24, 2009PowerPhrase of the Week ~ The man I love (manager I support, etc.) keeps interrupting me
Ron chatted away as Becky packed a box for Ron to take to the post office. At one point, Ron asked Becky to work a little faster since he wanted to leave soon. Becky replied,
- I understand and I’m working as fast as I can. The man I love keeps interrupting me.
Sounds better than, I’ll get it done faster if you’ll shut up, doesn’t it?
Adjust ito to use at work – depending on your relationship with the person.
- The manager I support keeps interrupting me.
- Someone I respect is distracting me from the job.
- My friend keeps saying things I want to hear.
Of course you might want to simply say,
- While I want to hear what you have to say, I need to focus if I’m going to get this done.
March 24, 2009Success Story ~ My puppies found the ball
Last night I read your Puppy Lessons story to my ministerial class. It worked so well. Thank you so much. They really got the message – and clarity about the difference between the message and the messenger. Plus, when they get confused in the future, I can just ask them if they know where The Ball is. They observed that if I throw The Ball into a swamp, they won’t be afraid to tell me to throw a little better. This parable opened up a wonderful, playful form of communication we can use to work around difficulties that arise.
Fabuloso. Brava. Brava. Please put your stories in a book and call it Meryl’s Parables
Note: You can read my latest of Meryl’s Shareable Parables here.
March 24, 2009This Week in the World ~ Classes, Who’s Crazy?
Learn to SpeakStrong in Denver, Vancouver Island and Colorado Springs
Most of my speaking events are closed for private groups. I do have an open event scheduled for April 30 in Denver. It’s an all day event, and will be worth flying in to attend. The flyer is available here.
I am also considering a SpeakStrong Smart and Sweet retreat on Vancouver Island and one in Colorado Spring this summer. Let me know if you’re interested.
New “Meryl’s Sharable Parable”: Ego Management
If you ever struggle with ego and identity issues (what? me?), you’ll love this parable.
Half Glass’s Egoic Adventures: A lesson in labels, perspectives and identity
The parable opens some questions for Reader Discussion. How do you know when you’re having and egoic reaction? That discussion is here.
Men and Women: One of us must be crazy
Hear what?
My friend switched off the radio and said, “This song hurts my ears. The singer’s voice is not engineered for a woman’s ear. Women need more low tones, a bottom, more grounding.”
She explained the dynamics of psychoacoustics, saying, “Most women will turn music without low tones off and they won’t know why. Most men don’t even hear the tones that women find painful.”
See what?
We don’t just hear things differently. My husband pointed out an article about how most men don’t notice a new hairstyle because they don’t even see hair. They focus more on faces. A man can deeply love a woman and not notice her radical new do.
Feel what?
Most of us discovered long ago that men and women process feelings and physical touch differently. If we’re also processing sound and sight in such different ways, how can we communicate at all?
One of us must be crazy
I told my husband about a (well-engineered) song by Pete McCormick called “The Woman I Love Is Crazy.” My husband exclaimed, “I like that title. Women see things so differently from men that at times they seem crazy to us. I suppose women think the same thing about men.”
Actually, I rarely hear women complain about men being crazy. A woman’s version of Pete’s song would more likely be “The man I love is rigid,” or, “The man I love is linear.” Note – we love them – we just might not always know how to talk to them.
Bridging the gap
While it’s a challenge to talk to those who perceive and process information in such radically different ways, some people do bridge the gaps. There are male sound engineers who know how to appeal to a woman’s ear. There male hairdressers who know exactly what women want. There also are plenty of women who can be linear with the best of the guys. If we judge, excoriate and dismiss someone’s style, we’ll miss the richness that comes from becoming “bi-lingual.”
My free Communication Style Quiz isn’t about gender differences, but it can help bridge the gap between you and people whose perception is worlds apart from yours. If you think one of you must be crazy, you’re missing an opportunity.
Here’s a comment I received about the quiz this week.
“Thank you for an absolutely accurate assessment.
It reminds me to practice … to make permanent on development areas.”
I’ll be presenting on communication styles at the Colorado Safety Association Conference May 13th.
Email This Post
Related posts which may interest you
- Reader Discussion ~ How do you know if you’re having an egoic reaction?
- This Week in the World ~ An invitation to SpeakStrong in Love: FREE presentation in Denver, article summary
- Style quiz: My hubby made space for shoes before he bought them. I’m finding space for last year’s pair http://speakstrong.com/inventory
- Women civilized the Wild West and are civilizing politics too
- SS Reader question: Self esteem and Poison Phrases
March 24, 2009Reader Discussion ~ How do you know if you’re having an egoic reaction?
How do you know if you’re having an egoic reaction to something? Some of the signs for me are a compelling desire to compare, prove myself right and dominate.
Wanting to understand what sent me into an egoic reaction is not an egoic reaction. But blaming the trigger for my own reaction is.
This discussion is based on my new Meryl’s Sharable Parable on ego management Half Glass’s Egoic Adventures: A lesson in labels, perspectives and identity.
Thanks for you input.
March 23, 2009Poison Phrase ~ Things take care of themselves
Melissa’s husband loves to say,
- Things take care of themselves…
While there are times to step back and let things unfold, some people use this phrase to abdicate responsibility. Often, it’s not so much that things take care of themselves as it is that other people pick up the pieces.
March 17, 2009This Week in the World ~ Challenges of getting conscious
This has been a week of becoming conscious for many of my friends, clients, and for me. One person is becoming aware of how she shuts down around money management considerations. Another is becoming aware of how he turns everything into work with rules and expectations that keep him tied up in knots. Another is becoming aware of how she questions and doubts herself when people get angry with her – and of how some people use that trait to manipulate her. I relate to all three challenges.
Getting conscious is much like turning up the lights in a messy house. Turning up the lights doesn’t clean the house – it just lets you see the mess so you can start the process. If you stumble over things you didn’t see and you can’t find what you want, you’ll welcome the lights. If the mess isn’t creating enough problems, you might prefer to turn the lights back off and ignore the disorder.
For some, our messes – or unconsciousness areas – create enough problems that we have to deal with them. For others, the lights are going on whether they want them to or not. Either way, people are finding they can’t stay unconscious anymore. They, and we, are being forced to face ourselves.
That’s why I added the skill based approach of SpeakStrong to the paint-by-numbers approach of PowerPhrases. The quick fixes aren’t working quite as well these days. It’s time to turn up the lights.
Once you see the messes, how do you clean them up? You get the skills. Study money management. Replace the restrictive rules and expectations with less restrictive realistic guidelines. (SpeakStrong provides communication guidelines, not rules.) Get my Say What You Mean eCourse for a weekly lesson in developing communication skills, and get SpeakStrong for the “Best EQ book on the market.”
Things can look like they get worse before they get better. That’s because the lights go on. Ultimately, being conscious is a much better way to go through life than not.
New articles and new DVD for Assistants
I have a new article about priorities and getting conscious. It’s called,
Keep your eye on The Ball:
Puppy lessons about priorities, distractions and focus
I also have a new article for assistants.
Savvy Assistants SpeakStrong
Key Conversations for Administrative Assistants
My recent presentation to assistants is available in DVD and MP3 formats.
Speak STRONG, Smart, & Sweet
The 3 Sources of Power for Assistants to Master Tough Conversations
March 17, 2009PowerPhrase of the Week ~ How would I know that?
I’m pretty easy about the dogs I meet on my hiking trails, but every now and then, one rushes me in a way that makes me nervous. The owners are quick to insist that their dogs are friendly. My reply is:
- How would I know that?
Their dog just charged me barking and growling, and I’m supposed to know that it’s friendly? How do I dial back my adrenaline rush, now that they reassured me?
It’s the same question I would have given Priscilla Presley to ask Elvis after he wrote the song, “You were always on my mind” for her.
- How would I know that?
And if actions don’t tell, what good are the words?
March 17, 2009Poison Phrase of the Week No one could have seen it coming – and the court jester is the smartest one in the kingdom
Jon Stewart did it again. Years ago he called out the anchors of the now defunct show Crossfire for their adversarial reporting. This week Stewart made news again by calling out Jim Cramer for CNBC’s lack of accuracy in reporting the financial crisis.
Cramer repeatedly defended his reporting by suggesting that,
- No one could have seen it coming.
Where did we hear that before?
If you give the keys to the car to a drunk teenager and they kill someone on the highway, can you really say no one could have seen it coming?
Actually, many people did see it coming. They didn’t just listen to what they wanted to hear. They prepared. They knew better than to put their money with Bernie Maddof.
In the quote of the week above, Howell says anyone who believes Cramer is stupid. Note that, while Howell mentions that Stewart is a comedian, he does not say that anyone who listens to Stewart is stupid. Sometimes the court jester is the smartest one in the kingdom.
March 17, 2009Ask Meryl ~ Insincere PowerPhrases are Poison Phrases (And SpeakStrong needs a Web developer with programming skills)
Meryl
I want to share a phrase I have been hearing lately – “How can I help you?” I am working with a vendor and an internal contracts person on an issue of mistaken charges. Both have tried to redirect responsibility and come back to me with this phrase.
In this case, what should be a power phrase is being used as a defensive, dismissive tactic, i.e., ‘I’ve done all I can. What more do you want?’
I would much prefer clear, decisive action or requests for more information rather than an insincere offer of ‘help’.
I responded with a clear list of how they could help me in a calm, professional manner, but I thought it might be a good warning to your readers that power phrases can be misused.
Thanks for a great website Meryl.
Meryl Responds,
Ah, yes, any PowerPhrase can be a Poison Phrase when it isn’t sincere. I often respond to insincere remarks as if they were sincere, as you did. Sometimes I don’t think quickly enough and I react to my feeling of being dismissed.
Sure, the people ask to solve our problems don’t always have answers. What is baffling is how someone who is in the position of helping can justify turning a problem back on the customer without any direction. When my webmaster can’t figure out why something isn’t rendering right, I don’t appreciate her closing the investigation with the comment that “the code is fine, so there shouldn’t be a problem.” When there clearly is a problem, I would hope that those who are in a support position would at least suggest another approach or refer to someone who could solve the puzzle.
If I think fast enough, I say,
- Since you haven’t been able to solve the problem, can you refer me to someone who can?
- I understand you’ve done what you can do here, but since I still have the problem, what do you recommend I do?
- What would you do if you were in my position?
My webmaster might not be able to solve my problem herself, but I am convinced that if she were the one with a web page that doesn’t render correctly she wouldn’t just dismiss the situation because “the code is fine.”
(By the way, I’m looking for a web developer with PHP and Flash skills – and also for help with figuring out why my newsletter shows up underlined for a few readers.)
I hope you got resolution. Thanks for passing this on. It sounds like you managed the dismissive treatment brilliantly.
March 10, 2009PowerPhrase ~ I never agreed to…
Many people have assumed “job requirements” for their different relationships. They have roles they expect others to fill, and they feel let down if others don’t comply. For Marie, marriage means her husband visits her family with her each week. For Rene, friendship means hating each other’s “enemies.” For Joe, an assistant is someone who will lie for you.
Sharon did not share Joe’s assumption. When he asked her to lie to a client, she said something non-committal to the client, and took the first opportunity to speak privately with Joe to make her boundaries clear.
- I want to be the best assistant you’ve ever had, but I need you to k now II never agreed to lie for you.
For Sharon, lying was a deal-breaker. She was unwilling to stay in a position that required lying. Joe was able to adjust his expectations.
A teacher named Cheyenne plans to write a book called “Four Agreements I Never Made.” What assumptions have you allowed people to impose on you?
