March 4, 2009Reader Questions ~ Inappropriate Comments
Hi Meryl
My new direct report says inappropriate things. When he heard my vacation plans, he told me all about the horrible things that could happen there. When I mentioned how long I’ve been in management, he told me that his previous managers had way more experience than I do. He made the last comment at a meeting and I was too surprised to respond.
When I confronted him later, he apologized and said he gets nervous and says things that don’t come out right. How can I respond?
Meryl Responds
As egregious as these comments sound, start by taking him at face value when he suggests he has foot-in-mouth syndrome.
Practice the PowerPhrases
- Why do you say that?
- Are you aware of how that sounds?
- When you say (x) it sounds (critical, attacking, competitive, etc.) Did you mean it that way?
For more levity, say:
- I’m glad we cleared that up.
- Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes it works to take inappropriate comments to the next level of absurdity. You could respond to the vacation comment by describing completely absurd things that could happen there. You could respond to the management comment by talking about how you applied to manage a lemonade stand but were under-qualified. Levity is powerful if you can use it without a hidden dagger, but destructive if you mix a little aggression in, so be careful.
Note his actions. If they seem supportive, continue to gently call him out when he misspeaks. If they are not supportive, address the actions.
I know how it feels to be stunned into silence by things people say. I wrote Unite and Concur and SpeakStrong to help myself and others learn the skills to respond instead of react to these situations.
To defuse the effect his inappropriate comments have on you, keep a list, and play with how you could have responded. That will transform his words from personal affronts into information, clues, and useful exercises. You could even send them to me for my Poison Phrases. I’ll change them enough no one will ever know.
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Your advice sounds great to me: making sure your reader’s direct report is conscious of each inappropriate remarks he makes, either through levity or more straightforward comments.
I found myself wondering what you would say if the person writing in about this issue was the direct report. It sounds like he knows he has a problem. I assume he wants to change. How could he best train himself to slow things down and filter what comes out of his mouth?
Just curious about your thoughts!
Comment by Kris — March 4, 2009 @ 9:22 pm