March 10, 2009Reader Question – Abusive comments

Meryl

Recently, people close to me have had issues with their significant others saying demeaning things to them in arguments like “all my friends think you’re crazy,” or “you’re lazy, I have to do everything,” or “you’re stupid, you don’t understand anything”–stuff like that, intended just to make them feel bad. Really juvenile behavior.

I realize that there are relationship problems here, but is there something one could say that would put a dead stop to these abusive comments, or should they just walk away?

I’ve learned a lot from reading your book, and I respect the way your mind works. I’d appreciate your input.

Meryl Responds

Calling this juvenile is too kind. It’s dismissive at best, more likely vicious and destructive, designed to abort any kind of defense or constructive dialog. It’s a power grab in what should be the one power-free relationship we have – with the person we let into our most intimate circle.

Unfortunately, this kind of comment happens even in good relationships.

Some specific responses:

- All my friends think you’re crazy.

I hope you stood up for me as I would if my friends spoke critically of you.

-You’re lazy. I have to do everything.

Do you really believe that? Or are you trying to manipulate me into doing more work? If our work sharing is out of balance, I’m happy to look at that. I am not happy to listen as you slap labels on me.

- You’re stupid, you don’t understand anything.

It breaks my heart to have the person I love most in life call me stupid. Let’s try to figure this out together without calling each other names.

As a general response, I’d say,

Sometimes you say things to me that cut me to the core, and what hurts most is it seems like that’s your intent. I want us to build each other up instead of tear each other down, and when we need to work through issues, do it in loving and supportive ways instead of hurtful, destructive ways. We both have a lot of habits to break to make that happen, but I want us to do that. Are you willing to do that with me?
Let’s build each other up instead of tear each other down.

As a general response in the moment…

Ouch. I don’t understand why the person I’m in a love relationship with would speak to me that way. If you have an issue we need to work through, I’m happy to listen. I’m not willing to listen to name-calling and character attack.

This stuff gets so subtle that a bomb can hide under the guise of innocence. I have a good radar for this stuff and I’ve been studying it for years and years, but I’ll still look back at times and realize that someone did a power grab and I lost my footing. There may be one-shot solutions, but my experience is that handling power grabs – especially in friendships and love relationships – is a skill you develop over time.

Defusing this kind of attach is a skill that is well worth developing. Our hearts depend on it. SpeakStrong is a great resource.

Your friends might enjoy this blog post Keep the Bulls Out of Your China Shop.