March 10, 2009Poison Phrase ~ Blame your assistant
Anna forgot what the due date was for a client project. She lost her client notes, so her friend suggested:
- Call the client and blame your assistant. Tell her your assistant misplaced your notes.
The assistants at the IAAP meeting I spoke at last night knew right away why that is a Poison Phrase. Too often, assistants are considered fair game for blame. It’s as if their professionalism doesn’t matter.
Besides being unfair to the assistant, that claim is simply a lie. Anna admitted to her error and the client had no problem with it.
March 10, 2009Reader Question – Abusive comments
Meryl
Recently, people close to me have had issues with their significant others saying demeaning things to them in arguments like “all my friends think you’re crazy,” or “you’re lazy, I have to do everything,” or “you’re stupid, you don’t understand anything”–stuff like that, intended just to make them feel bad. Really juvenile behavior.
I realize that there are relationship problems here, but is there something one could say that would put a dead stop to these abusive comments, or should they just walk away?
I’ve learned a lot from reading your book, and I respect the way your mind works. I’d appreciate your input.
Meryl Responds
Calling this juvenile is too kind. It’s dismissive at best, more likely vicious and destructive, designed to abort any kind of defense or constructive dialog. It’s a power grab in what should be the one power-free relationship we have – with the person we let into our most intimate circle.
Unfortunately, this kind of comment happens even in good relationships.
Some specific responses:
- All my friends think you’re crazy.
- I hope you stood up for me as I would if my friends spoke critically of you.
-You’re lazy. I have to do everything.
- Do you really believe that? Or are you trying to manipulate me into doing more work? If our work sharing is out of balance, I’m happy to look at that. I am not happy to listen as you slap labels on me.
- You’re stupid, you don’t understand anything.
- It breaks my heart to have the person I love most in life call me stupid. Let’s try to figure this out together without calling each other names.
As a general response, I’d say,
- Sometimes you say things to me that cut me to the core, and what hurts most is it seems like that’s your intent. I want us to build each other up instead of tear each other down, and when we need to work through issues, do it in loving and supportive ways instead of hurtful, destructive ways. We both have a lot of habits to break to make that happen, but I want us to do that. Are you willing to do that with me?
- Let’s build each other up instead of tear each other down.
As a general response in the moment…
- Ouch. I don’t understand why the person I’m in a love relationship with would speak to me that way. If you have an issue we need to work through, I’m happy to listen. I’m not willing to listen to name-calling and character attack.
This stuff gets so subtle that a bomb can hide under the guise of innocence. I have a good radar for this stuff and I’ve been studying it for years and years, but I’ll still look back at times and realize that someone did a power grab and I lost my footing. There may be one-shot solutions, but my experience is that handling power grabs – especially in friendships and love relationships – is a skill you develop over time.
Defusing this kind of attach is a skill that is well worth developing. Our hearts depend on it. SpeakStrong is a great resource.
Your friends might enjoy this blog post Keep the Bulls Out of Your China Shop.
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Related posts which may interest you
- The Destructive Art of Turning Play Into Work
- Poison Phrase: Will power
- Poison Phrase of the Week No one could have seen it coming – and the court jester is the smartest one in the kingdom
- Reader discussion ~ Emotional impact
- This Week in the World Space, stories, babies, bathwater, flow and the feminine
March 10, 2009Reader Success Story ~ Speaking Strong to Preserve a Friendship
A client who had become a friend came to pick up his stuff but didn’t bring payment. When I asked about it, he said,
- You can’t always get what you want.
I thought about what you would say, and called him the next day. I explained that our relationship had grown into a friendship and I wanted to preserve that, and the way he spoke to me did not feel worthy of that friendship.
He actually thanked me for telling him and told me that if he ever did that again, I should slap him. I won’t, but I will tell him.
March 4, 2009This Week in the World ~ juggling, stories and pushing people out of airplanes
Last week my husband and I took a juggling class, and we’ve been throwing balls at each other ever since. What a great new way to communicate.
Last week I also received a flood of support and orders for my new book, SpeakStrong. My keynote and training based on the book are becoming more popular with my audiences. Thanks to you all.
New stories / articles in a very different tone
I also had lunch with a friend who shared a story that got me started writing in a new style. I am so excited about the theme I almost can’t stand it. I have two new articles for you in this new style. Enjoy – and please share your impressions.
Fact and Fiction Separate Themselves
and a SpeakStrong rewrite of an Israeli folk tale:
The truth about Truth and a story about Story.
I want the characters in these stories to be gender-neutral, so I invented gender-neutral language. I’d like your feedback on that and on some alternative suggestions I received from readers. I explain the logic of my choices here. Please VOTE HERE.
Tell me what you think about the articles in comments. Thanks.
Nurture, nudge and sometimes shove – why the bold need SpeakStrong skills as much or more than the timid
I took up skydiving 35 years ago. My first jump scared me so much that I clenched the strut and screamed to the instructor that I had changed my mind. She pried my fingers from the bar and shoved me away from the plane. I was too preoccupied with my plunge to be stunned …
Read the rest of the article here, and comment here.
March 4, 2009PowerPhrase of the Week ~ Notice what’s happening now
Sometimes strong people only hear feedback when the person giving it is ready to move on. (Other times it takes even longer than that – like the former spouse who finally gets the message two years after the divorce.) After months of unsuccessfully trying to resolve issues with her client Susan, Nicole broke the news that she would no longer be working with her. Susan raised her voice as she exclaimed that if Nicole had problems, she should have told her long ago. Nicole replied,
- Notice what’s happening right now. I’m telling you this isn’t working for me, and you’re yelling at me. This is what happens when I try to talk to you. This is why I’m dropping your account.
Sometimes you need to detail past offenses to make a point. More often, the behavior from the past repeats itself in the moment, and when you speak in real time, your point coms acrosss loud and clear.
March 4, 2009Poison Phrase ~ Your letter of excuses
This week’s Poison Phrase is a quote. Am I the only one who has ever wanted to say such a thing?
Your letter of excuses has arrived. I receive the letter but do not admit the excuses except in courtesy, as when a man treads on your toes and begs your pardon – the pardon is granted, but the joint aches, especially if there is a corn upon it. ~Lord Byron
March 4, 2009Reader Questions ~ Inappropriate Comments
Hi Meryl
My new direct report says inappropriate things. When he heard my vacation plans, he told me all about the horrible things that could happen there. When I mentioned how long I’ve been in management, he told me that his previous managers had way more experience than I do. He made the last comment at a meeting and I was too surprised to respond.
When I confronted him later, he apologized and said he gets nervous and says things that don’t come out right. How can I respond?
Meryl Responds
As egregious as these comments sound, start by taking him at face value when he suggests he has foot-in-mouth syndrome.
Practice the PowerPhrases
- Why do you say that?
- Are you aware of how that sounds?
- When you say (x) it sounds (critical, attacking, competitive, etc.) Did you mean it that way?
For more levity, say:
- I’m glad we cleared that up.
- Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes it works to take inappropriate comments to the next level of absurdity. You could respond to the vacation comment by describing completely absurd things that could happen there. You could respond to the management comment by talking about how you applied to manage a lemonade stand but were under-qualified. Levity is powerful if you can use it without a hidden dagger, but destructive if you mix a little aggression in, so be careful.
Note his actions. If they seem supportive, continue to gently call him out when he misspeaks. If they are not supportive, address the actions.
I know how it feels to be stunned into silence by things people say. I wrote Unite and Concur and SpeakStrong to help myself and others learn the skills to respond instead of react to these situations.
To defuse the effect his inappropriate comments have on you, keep a list, and play with how you could have responded. That will transform his words from personal affronts into information, clues, and useful exercises. You could even send them to me for my Poison Phrases. I’ll change them enough no one will ever know.
