April 27, 2009This Week in the World ~ Feedback, Psyche’s 1st task and the bully article
I asked my associate for input on the title of a project I’m working on and she gave me whole lot more than I asked for. I joked about not wanting that much feedback, but quickly clarified that,
- While I like the idea of you and everyone thinking I’m perfect in every way, what I really want is to be as effective and professional as possible. I welcome your insight.
Not everyone values the rare gift that someone capable of quality feedback gives. That kind of insight can be uncomfortable, but it’s also essential for clarity.
Psyche’s 1st task was to sort the seeds – assess and separate ideas to gain clarity. Our clarity allies are focus, time and feedback.
Some feedback tells you, not that you’re wrong, but that you’re not clear in your expression. I amended my Back Off Bully article from last week based on blog feedback that showed me where my writing lacked clarity.
I also received feedback about how brilliantly the process in the article helps sort seeds of “incompletion in the nervous system.” When people don’t know what they say, they usually say nothing. Practice your communication options before you get a wake-up call like the one in the article and the wake-up call that got that started me on my SpeakStrong journey.
April 27, 2009PowerPhrase ~ A separate issue
A political example for a communication point almost caused a dialogue about good communication to go off the topic. Fortunately one participant brought the conversation back on track by saying this of the political points,
- That’s a separate issue.
It’s important to know when a conversation goes down a side road, and it’s also important to know how to bring it back on track when it does.
April 27, 2009Poison Phrase ~ An inappropriate one-star rating
I’m a big fan of customer ratings of books and products. I value specific, honest feedback and don’t appreciate feedback that distorts the results. When an author’s friends post rave reviews as a favor, it interferes with my ability to assess it. It also interferes with ratings when someone slams a product in a review because of poor customer service from the vendor. Those are the comments that say,
- I’m rating it one star even though I haven’t read the book yet (used the product etc.) because Amazon messed up my order.
Be careful to stay on purpose when you give feedback.
Have any of you ever been penalized in a performance review for “under-performance” in an area that isn’t actually your job?
How to Say It: Performance Reviews
April 27, 2009Reader Question ~ Passing complaints up the ladder
Meryl,
Hello, I need to know how to say something without hurting feelings. I am an adjunct teacher at a school and know that the way they are running the program has many issues. I hear daily complaints from students and feel that it’s time to talk to someone. How would you approach this?
Response
Sometimes the truth hurts, even when it’s spoken sweetly, so it may not be possible to say it in a way that doesn’t offend. You can minimize the sting if you:
- Ask permission to offer feedback. Frame it in the context that you are in a position to hear things that administration is not, and that your information could be useful to them.
- Let them know why you share the info. That you want the school to be as successful as it can be. That you’re speaking as someone who is concerned and cares.
- Organize your feedback into categories.
- Be specific with concrete examples.
- Focus on solutions more than problems. Take each complaint and turn it around into a recommendation.
- Adopt and maintain the stance of support and service.
Once you’ve had your say, leave the ball in their court and listen. It’s appropriate for you to share the information. It’s up to them to decide to use it or not.
Tell me how it goes.
April 27, 2009Success Story ~ Responding to criticism with questions
My husband was agitated with me about how I handled a situation at dinner the previous evening. Instead of withdrawing or lashing out at his “feedback” of my behavior, I calmly asked,
- Would you please describe for me exactly what your expectations are?
The question disarmed him, kept me from overreacting, and allowed us to have a constructive conversation. Win-win.
April 21, 2009This Week in the World ~ Denver training, Psyche’s 4th task – saying no
A few seats left for Denver April 30th
Learn to say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it. Two sessions
SpeakStrong and… The Difference Between Lightning Bugs and Lightning Bolts.
SpeakStrong is about how to have those challenging conversations. Lightning Bugs and Lightning Bolts is about how to speak so people take you seriously. It’s persuasion that doesn’t seep over into manipulation. You can attend one or both sessions. The morning session is almost full, so register immediately if you want to attend that one.
The 4th task – saying no
A few weeks back I mentioned The Myth of Psyche and her four tasks. I emphasized the second task about gathering power. This week I reminded a friend whose life isn’t her own of Psyche’s 4th task – saying “no.” In order to achieve her goal, Psyche had to refuse requests for help from some people in great need. Most people, and particularly women, find that kind of boundary-setting difficult.
Life has a way of testing resolve. If you decide to leave a job that requires you to be unethical, you might find yourself being offered a raise. If you decide to clean up your diet, you’re likely to have someone drop by with your favorite cheesecake. And if you decide, as my friend had, that you need to stop serving others to the detriment of yourself and those closest to you, you are likely to have someone need you in a bigger way than usual.
We all are tested and we all have been tested throughout the ages. Ancient cultures faced the same challenges you, my friend and I face.
Myths exist to help us be heroes and heroines rather than victims.
Skills help us do that too. PowerPhrases! offers a chapter on saying no and SpeakStrong offers several chapters on setting great boundaries. How to Use PowerPhrases shares stories and examples of people who have learned to say no. I just put a package together that includes these three resources. It’s called The Quick Start Communication Transformation BOOK Package.
Article: Back Off, Bully
Some of us need to learn to say “no” to requests. Others need to learn to say no to greed and unsavory opportunities. Then there are times when we need to learn to say no to bullies. I posted an article this week about saying enough and standing up to the bullies in your life. It’s called Back off, Bully! Stand your ground with PowerPhrases.
It will give you a jump start on your boundaries, and my transformation package will take you from there.
April 21, 2009Poison Phrase of the Week ~ I’ll be the doctor and you be the nurse
As a nurse, Gloria had spent much more time with the patient than the doctor had. When the doctor recommended treatment that overlooked some symptoms, she spoke up about it. The doctor’s response was,
-I’ll tell you what…how about I be the doctor and you be the nurse.
The admonishment effectively shut Gloria down, so when she suspected a patient had meningitis a week later, she held her tongue. Imagine her regret when the patient died of untreated meningitis.
What possible responses can you think of to a bullying remark like this one? I walk you through a series of options in my article: Back off, bully!
Stand your ground with PowerPhrases
April 21, 2009Ask Meryl, ~ Word power tool
Meryl,
Your March 29th newsletter has a tool that I frequently use – The Headline Analyzer. Can you place this with your own tools for easier access?
Meryl responds
It’s not my tool – but I emailed the originators to ask if we could arrange it.
Do you have a communication question? You can Ask Meryl.
April 16, 2009This Week in the World ~ Feedback, Toastmasters International
There’s nothing like honest and specific feedback to help you succeed. I get feedback in the form of evaluations from almost everyone who hears me speak. Some of it is not useful, some helpful, and some, transformative.
This week I received a different kind of feedback from a group of Toastmasters I spoke to. Usually people limit their feedback to comments about how I affect them emotionally and how they will use my information.
Toastmasters is a speaking organization, and my audience members applied the principles they are learning to my presentation. They were able to be very specific about what skills I have mastered and where I have room to improve. Also, a few comments summarized my messages better than I do.
So, to Art, thanks for noticing that I sought to motive, inspire and inform in my few minutes. I’m glad I succeeded. For Cheryl, you gave me great feedback about finishing my points before I look at my notes. And Lenora, I am delighted with your comment about branding being much more than a marketing process. You are so right about that. Your comment will help me as I continually refine my Brand Aid process. http://www.speakstrong.com/articles/speak-strong/brand-aid.html
And thanks to everyone at Toastmasters’ Golden Speakers. my Military, Health care and Association audiences and all of my readers who take the time to give me considered feedback.
I encourage you to invite feedback from your “audiences.” Who knows what you’ll discover.
Read A Convenient Truth at Toastmasters here.
April 16, 2009PowerPhrase of the Week ~ The way I work best is…
In the CD that comes with my SpeakStrong book, I talk about how important it is to have conversations about work styles. When I negotiate with someone about working with or for me, I tell them up front how I like to communicate. This week, a consultant I’ve been communicating with initiated that dialogue from her side. Here are a few things Phyllis said,
- I work best when I work with someone – as opposed to ‘for’ someone – where we work together. Where everyone get to express how they feel about things – really open – because really both people are creating something new – birthing it – so to speak. it’s all about cooperation instead of competition.
Open communication is essential for me, I address that before I agree to work with someone. It was heaven to have a consultant initiate that conversation before I did.
Of course, this will be an ongoing process and if we decide to work together, we both will be initating new conversations as we move along.
We all enter work commitments with different expectations. It’s so much nicer to agree to what they will be than to guess, collide and wonder why
