April 16, 2009Poison Phrase ~ And Your Point is…?
Sure, it’s frustrating when people ramble without getting to the point. You need to focus people at times. Just don’t do it by saying,
- And your point is?
Get them thinking linearly instead by saying something like,
-
- Can you tell me three things you want me to do?
- What’s your first priority here?
- Can you summarize your most important point in a three or four sentences?
What phrases do you use?
April 16, 2009Reader Question ~ No bonuses this year: Performance evaluation question
Meryl,
Annual evaluations are coming up. This is the first time the employees have been informed there will be not be a yearly raise accompanying this year’s reviews. Do you feel the reviews should be handled any differently?
Meryl responds
I turned this question over to my coauthor for the book How to Say It: Performance Reviews.
Janelle Brittain said,
I’m assuming there are no raises due to the economic situation (thus something that is out of the employee and, somewhat, the company’s power). First the staff should understand that this is the reason there will be no raises. Then, I’d encourage the managers to think beyond financial rewards and get more creative. For positive performance, here are 3 ideas:
1.Use recognition (both public and privately) to let the person know how much the company appreciates their efforts. There are a 1000 ways to give recognition form hand written notes, to appreciation pizzas to team celebrations.
2. Many people are motivated by training, so look for inexpensive training sources or scholarships.
3. To help people feel like they are part of the solution, have contests for people who find ways to save or make the company more money. Then the person receives a percentage of the money made or saved. That is “found” money for the company and a nice reward for the person.
When people know everyone is in the same boat, they don’t take it so personally. However they still have the need for appreciation and ways to earn more money if possible.
April 7, 2009Success Story ~ negotiating workloads
Light bulbs went on for me when I read in your newsletter about how bosses will pile work on as long as employees keep doing everything they ask without complaint or feedback.
I was working until 9:00 each night and burning myself out. So I implemented some of the strategies in your assistant training to make my work visible and to negotiate workload.
Guess what – I’m going home on time each evening. I’m also making a lot less in overtime…but I’m happy to have my life back.
Learn to manage your boss…
A new SpeakStrong DVD video, MP3 audio, and CD audio. Available now in our SpeakStrong Store.
April 7, 2009This Week in the World ~ Big stories, myths, and accumulating power
A bigger story: Rev. Evan Hodkins says depression is a signal that the story you’re telling yourself is too small. As a writer, I see a bigger story in everything. I just opened a bottle of juice that wouldn’t budge by putting on a rubber glove. I don’t know why it works, but it does. The bigger story for that is that often savvy is more powerful than pure force.
Bigger stories add depth to life, which is one of the reasons I love mythology. For example, the story of Psyche, who had to complete four tasks to be reunited with her husband, gives steps we all can use to face bigger challenges. Psyche had to sort seeds, (use discernment, separate the nonsense from truth.) She had to fill a cup with water from a treacherous stream, (seek nourishment, look for love in the right places.) She had to get Golden Fleece from Rams, (accumulate power without getting rammed in the process.) Once that was complete, she embarked on her journey. In her travels, she had to say “no” to ardent requests, (set focus, establish boundaries, and say no to distractions.)
Speaking Strong involves all four tasks. I’ll focus on the third – sources of power.
Gathering power: Psyche originally thought she had to confront the Rams to get the fleece. She discovered she could gather the fleece that had caught on the bushes and trees as the Rams slept at night. That approach allowed her to accomplish her goal without endangering herself.
When you have less overt power than others have, you can leverage the power you do have. For example, many assistants can get things done their bosses can’t, because they don’t rely on the power inherent in their titles. They gather power by currying favor, understanding how things really operate and making themselves indispensable. They do this without waking the sleeping Rams (emotional triggers dormant in our reptilian brains). That’s why a PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be, and no stronger. If those Rams are sleeping, don’t wake them up. Overt power can awaken the aggression in your listener.
Timing: The Rams in the myth also point to the importance of timing. When someone is in reaction – when his or her Rams are bandying about – the truly powerful may choose to wait. That can require a real strength of will. It can be tough to wait to speak until you’ve sorted the seeds, gained nourishment, and set your focus. Sometimes it takes more strength to wait to speak until the Rams are sleeping – both theirs and yours.
So if you’re tempted to go in with guns blazing this week, ask yourself if the situation really calls for that kind of power. Perhaps it does – but if it doesn’t, toughness might wake sleeping Rams and trigger a reaction. Savvy inspires a response. You might find yourself having conversations you didn’t know you could.
If the temptation to force a result seems overwhelming, consider the story you’re telling yourself. Perhaps the story you’re telling yourself is too small. Tell yourself a bigger story and get a more powerful result.
Last week’s blog posts
I got lots of comments on the blog last week about flaws in my advice – and suggestions for improvement. Visit the blog and tell me what you think.
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Related posts which may interest you
- This Week in the World ~ Feedback, Psyche’s 1st task and the bully article
- This Week in the World ~ No perfect words
- This Week in the World ~ Denver training, Psyche’s 4th task – saying no
- This week in the world ~ The power of tears, anger and my upcoming teleseminars
- Poison Phrase tip: Your “walking wounded” dictionary
April 7, 2009PowerPhrase of the Week ~ Thanks for reminding me
- Thanks for reminding me.
If the person nudging you is apologetic, let them know their reminder is both reasonable and welcome by saying,
- I’m sorry to have put you in the position of having to (ask several times.)
in Denver, Colorado
April 30th
Half day or Full day training in saying what you mean and meaning what you say without being mean when you say it.
April 7, 2009Poison Phrase ~ I thought about asking, but didn’t
From a reader blog comment
When I train staff, I tell them the one thing that will irritate me is saying,
- I thought about asking about that, but didn’t.
All other interruptions and questions are welcome.
May I suggest one of Meryl’s tools? Treat yourself like a client. What advice would you give your 3rd person self?
If the instructor (from last week’s Poison Phrase) makes you feel bad for questioning, then it’s time to evaluate the instructor. Ditto with doctors.
April 7, 2009Reader question ~ may I finish my own sentance?
Meryl,
How do I deal with someone who finishes my sentences for me?
Meryl responds
Explore whether something you do causes them to finish your sentences. Chances are they have a faster pace than you do, and lack the patience to wait for you to reach your conclusion. That can rush you, shut you down, and force a hasty and imperfect conclusion.
If that is the problem, suggest that you’ll do what you can to communicate in their style and ask them to have the trust and patience to communicate in yours.
You also could invite them to take my communication style inventory. It will give them – and you – tips on ways to communicate with different styles.
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Related posts which may interest you
- Hungry kitten displays pitfalls of impatience
- Style quiz: My hubby made space for shoes before he bought them. I’m finding space for last year’s pair http://speakstrong.com/inventory
- Why “Saintly Patience” is better than “Patience of a Saint”
- A good way to handle gossip in the workplace and a great way
- 6 steps for turning problems (like gossip) into opportunities
April 1, 2009This Week in the World ~ Martial arts and Story arts
My husband is teaching me martial arts. When I try to block a throw, I flinch and my whole body stiffens. When he blocks my throws, (note I omitted the word “try”) he’s calm and relaxed.
My first step in martial arts is staying calm and conscious. I am learning to focus on what’s coming at me, and on the skills to deflect and redirect those attacks.
That’s the first step in SpeakStrong, too. Some verbal advances throw you off your game and cause you to react and go unconscious. Study those advances to identify what’s coming at you, and create responses to deflect and redirect those attacks.
My eBook Unite and Concur details how to handle hostile and manipulative political dialogue. The principles apply to all communication. Some day I’ll rewrite it to make it directly applicable to other conversations. In the meantime, I recommend it in its current form.
I challenge you to become aware of the ways you go unconscious in your conversations. Facing ourselves isn’t always fun, but developing mastery is, and facing ourselves is the first step.
The first section of my Say What You Mean eCourse is about becoming conscious of your communication habits.
New SpeakStrong story – Cinderella Sequel
I have a story coach helping me to master the art of story-writing. Story skills are important for the Speak Sweet part of Speak Strong, Smart and Sweet. My coach says a great story is one where the heart surprises the mind. Tell me if you think my new story does that.
Cinderella Sequel:
Sad and Happy Endings, New Beginnings and the Flow of Life
April 1, 2009PowerPhrase of the Week ~ I picked up the phone in case the call was urgent
When Devon found out it was Jean on the phone, he said, “Can I call you back tomorrow? I’m in the middle of some things. I just picked up the phone in case it was an important call.”
Devon immediately qualified his comment, because he didn’t mean to indicate Jean’s call wasn’t important to him – just that he was fighting fires and prefered to stay focused if her call could wait.
What could he have said?
- I picked up the phone in case the call was urgent.
Jean’s call was important but not urgent. Precision matters, doesn’t it?
By the way, here’s a sign an assistant sent me years ago that lets people know when she’s fighting fires. We all should have signs like this.
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Related posts which may interest you
- Power Phrase: We have a policy of putting our patients first. I didn’t follow it that day.
- PowerPhrase: call me at (x) instead of the number I am calling from
- PowerPhrase: When? Thinking fast to get a specific commitment.
- Perfect wording encompasses precision AND beauty
- Kid corner: hilarious cell phone word game
April 1, 2009Poison Phrase of the Week ~ He’s the teacher. I shouldn’t question his decision.
When Kathy’s teacher put her ceramics project in the kiln, she wondered why he didn’t put sand under it to ensure it wouldn’t crack as it dried. The words, “Shouldn’t we put sand under it?” ran through her mind several times as he put it in the kiln, but the thought,
- He’s the teacher. I shouldn’t question his decision.
…kept her from speaking. Kathy regretted her silence when her project came out cracked.
Misplaced respect for authority is one of the Lame Excuses that keep us from speaking up. Respect for authority shouldn’t override our own observations. When in doubt, ask. If the answer doesn’t satisfy, keep asking until it does. When you realize later that you didn’t speak up when you should have, practice the words you wish you had said to reinforce the idea of speaking up for the future.
