May 8, 2009Reader Question ~ When the Bully is the Boss

Meryl,

My best friend told me about your site and encouraged me to write. I report to a general manager. This person rules by humiliation and intimidation. He is irrational and moody. He seems to be a caricature of something one would see in political cartoons, extremely egotistical, refuses to listen to others, takes credit for everything and responsibility for nothing. I have a strong experienced group of managers (each 20 + yrs. ) Many of us have cried after one of “Joe’s” scream fests. We’ve had enormous changes and downsizing which we have weathered well, but are all distraught by his explosions. We are well compensated and have much to lose. Negative feedback is turned on the messenger. Even HR says (in fear) that he transcends the other yellers… I don’t know if I go to his boss (who is a VP) if it will help or I will be blackballed, which is often the case.

Meryl Responds

You have four choices. Accept it, address it, leave or suffer. I advise against accepting it if it affects the work environment so thoroughly. Part of your role as manager is to protect your people.

I am aware of the risk involved. One person I worked with whose boss was a bully was fired for having “personality issues” with the boss after speaking up. (“Mary” spoke up before she called me, but from what she told me, she did a brilliant job.) The outcome would have been different had Mary been able to garner the support of her colleagues. They downplayed the situation in the investigation out of fear. They later regretted it when the abuse directed toward Mary was transferred to them once Mary was gone.

My book Perfect Phrases for Managers has a short section of phrases to stand up for your staff with management. There are also phrases to go above your boss’ head. Bullies usually do not attempt to bully those who refuse to take it. Is there anyone in the office who stands up to him that you can model after?

What I find with clients is that in areas where they lack clarity, they lack conviction. When they lack conviction they lack courage to take the risks to challenge the bullies in their lives. Often there will be one or two areas where they felt strongly enough to not tolerate the tyrant, and they are firm, and the tyrant backs down in that area because they know the tactics won’t work there. Tyrants bully as long as it works for them. When it stops working, they test, but then they usually back down. It sounds like you have an entire department of enablers in place. An important question is, will you get backing if you stop enabling and refuse to tolerate any more abuse for your employees or yourself?

First, get clarity. Study company guidelines about interpersonal behavior. Discuss the risks involved with HR. Of course you need to document every incident in your area of influence. Talk to a lawyer. NOLO publishing is a great resource for books and articles about your legal rights. (www.nolo.com/) Then, get clear about what you are and are not willing to tolerate for yourself and for those in your charge. You can’t feel good about allowing this kind of treatment. Next, build your conviction. Know what you stand for. Let that conviction give you courage.

Next time he behaves inappropriately toward you or anyone else you manage, say to him,

“Joe, “I will not be spoken to this way.
I will not allow (name) to be spoken to this way.
If we cannot resolve this I will be forced to file a complaint. I prefer to work it out with you.
I am documenting this incident.
If we cannot resolve this, I will be forced to go over your head.

When he turns it back on you, don’t buy it. Just say,

I understand you don’t agree with me here. However, I will not tolerate this behavior.

Whatever you do, do not attempt to beat him at his own game.

I have designed the Runion Rules of Responsible Communication (also in Perfect Phrases ) as guidelines for communication. They are intended for groups to revise and adapt to their own needs and values since the best guidelines are the ones you create yourself. Would it be possible for you to approach the VP with a suggestion that you establish and observe guidelines? It could be a very positive way to call attention to the problem without coming across as being a part of the problem. Of course, “no yelling” would be in your adaptation. If you do, I suggest you build a review of compliance into the process. Would it be possible to bring me in?

I believe we get the situations we do in life to make us stronger. If you hold your head up here, it is sure to strengthen you, and just might make you the company hero. I don’t want to underplay the risks, but you also need to assess the risks of not speaking up. It sounds like it is taking a large toll.

I have an article about developing responses to bullies that will be useful to you too. I wish you clarity, courage, conviction and success.