May 11, 2009Reader Question: Gracefully Correcting Grammer
Meryl,
How can you bring it to someone’s attention when they use completely incorrect English without hurting their feelings or coming across as superior? A man I know says, “I seen,” “I done” and “them guys.” Otherwise he is very intelligent.
I respond,
I was a bit stuck on this one which is why it has taken a while for me to answer. My challenge is similar to the body odor question…there is no great ways to say it, but some are better than others. I borrowed my own tips from my article about how to tell someone they smell bad. Here’s my best shot. Say,
- (Name,) I have noticed grammar errors in your word choices, and I’m concerned that it is having an impact on your ability to interact with your co-workers and our customers. I know if it was me, I’d want to know. If you’d like to talk about it more, I’d like to support you.
Readers?
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My response is based on the premise I am addressing a friend, family member, professional associate, etc. If the individual is not someone I genuinely respecte or care about, I do not feel I could address this issue without sounding critical or condescending.
(Name), because I (respect/admire/love/value our friendship/use what fits) I would like to mention something to you. Good, bad, or otherwise often people judge you based on your vocabulary and/or use of it. I have noticed during conversations the use of phrases such as “(insert one or two phrases).” If you are interested in identifying and/or eliminating some common grammatical errors, I am willing to assist in the endeavor.
Try to limit the use of “you” (meaning them) and only mention one or two phrases at a time.
Comment by Jim Swindler — May 12, 2009 @ 12:48 pm
Unless this man’s vocabulary is affecting his ability to get his message across or affecting his work – I don’t see a need to ‘correct’ him. I think this is assuming some superiority over him and would only humiliate. Why is it necessary to correct someone in this way? What is your expected outcome in doing this? Are you his speech therapist? Are you his boss and does he do public speaking? The way that he speaks may be part of his unique character – why not embrace it rather than let it irritate you. I think we should celebrate people’s quirks rather than trying to fit everyone into the same mould.
I think you would only humiliate him and come across as condescending (especially – if as you say – he is an intelligent person).
I know a few people who say “aksed” instead of “asked” but I don’t feel it necessary to correct them (it does make me wonder how on earth they came to say it this way though!).
Comment by annelise — May 17, 2009 @ 8:25 pm
I agree with Annelise – unless you are the person’s boss, why do you need to correct his speech? If he is a friend, he could be very upset by your corrections and you could risk losing his friendship.
Even when you’re the boss, this is a difficult conversation to have. I once held an appraisal with someone who (I thought) could benefit from some training in writing emails and other business communication. When I mentioned this to him, he seemed amused and I wondered why. Several months later, when he handed in his notice, I found out – he was leaving to teach English as a foreign language in Hong Kong!
Comment by Anita — May 18, 2009 @ 3:25 am
I would correct the english for the same reason I would tell someone they have spinach in their teeth or for the same reason I offer suggestions to friends about their marketing materials since that’s an area of my expertise. I think friends offer to share their insights and skill with each other if they think it would be helpful and back off if it’s clear people don’t want the suggestions.
It’s not about superiority, it’s about each of us having different strengths. Yes, as Anita discovered, you do take the risk of offering unwelcome, or even unneeded advice if you speak. You also take the risk of not serving someone in a useful way if you’re silent. If this man’s grammar limits his career options or in other ways limits his success, is it really kindness not to mention it? Is it really kindness for people to let their coworkers go through life with bad breath or body odor and not speak up?
If this was something he couldn’t change, I see no reason to mention it. But since her support could make a bit difference in his life, I encourage her to try.
Comment by merylrunion — May 18, 2009 @ 6:10 am
Meryl, I thought about this one for a while (apparently, about a week!) before responding. The question is how to bring someone’s attention to his or her mistakes without hurting feelings or seeming superior.
The answer to that question, in my opinion (and in my experience), is to view it as sort of a joke. That is, conversationally make the assumption the mistake is intentional, and chuckle before saying something along the lines of “It just kills me when you do that!” The speaker will likely ask what you mean, and that might be followed by another chuckle, with the current example, such as: “You know, intentionally use ‘them guys’ when you know it’s not correct English. Do you do that just to fool us?” This must be done with the correct tone of believing the mistake is intentional.
In my experience, depending on your relationship with the speaker of the incorrect English, s/he will either say, with some surprise, “that’s not correct??”, or will laugh to cover his/her confusion, and then ask someone else what is and is not correct.
Might seem like a bit of subterfuge–and it is–but again, the question was how to bring someone’s attention to their mistakes without hurting feelings or seeming superior. In this case, from the wording of the question (“Otherwise he is very intelligent) my assumption is the questioner does not believe this is deliberate joking on the speaker’s part—-but I submit there is no harm in treating it that way.
On another note, though, I have been known to do this (intentionally). And it’s not just me: I have many (very intelligent) friends who will deliberately make grammar mistakes. One gentleman in particular comes to mind: he’s an attorney, an investment registered representative with numerous licenses, lives in Zurich and New York City, runs Compliance for one of the world’s largest private banks, and speaks three languages. Yet it gives him great joy to mispronounce “fajita” whenever he orders that dish. So be it.
You might ask, why do we (my friends and I) make deliberate grammar mistakes? I asked myself that when I was thinking of responding. In my case, I work in the investing and wealth consulting field. This area is, in and of itself, intimidating to quite a few people. I have worked in this field for more than 26 years, and some find that intimidating as well. In considering this question, I think the deliberate mistakes are one way I try to “humanize” myself. It often makes people laugh, and I generally believe laughter is a good thing.
I also learn a great deal from the reaction I get when I deliberately mispronounce a word, or use incorrect grammar. It tells me about a person’s judgment, sense of humor, attention to detail, and discretion (or lack thereof). The deliberate use of incorrect English is probably not the situation we’re discussing, I know. Then again, what if it is?
This one was thought-provoking for me. Thanks for the chance to respond!
Comment by Kelly Graham — May 19, 2009 @ 8:10 am
Hi Kelly! Thanks for the great long reply. Although we haven’t met, I know you’re from the south where indirect is more a part of the culture. I didn’t know what hit me when I moved to Nashville – I didn’t speak the language, shall we say. It created a sense of unreality for me that left me hungry to master direct communication. I’m not a master but have gained enough proficiency to be ready to explore subtleties of more indirect communication. There certainly is a place for hinting and face-saving.
The problem I have with the indirect approach is that it can be confusing, can seem manipulative, and can be dishonest. If I pretend to think it was a deliberate error when I know it wasn’t, I’m faking it. I find that every word I speak that is fake separates me from my own authenticity. So, for me, this kind of pretense is dangerous. Not that I never fake it…but when I do, it’s a last resort because I find there’s a price tag attached.
It may be that some day I’ll be sufficiently grounded in reality that a bit of unreality won’t shake my foundation at all. In the meantime, I proceed with caution and recommend others do as well.
Comment by merylrunion — May 19, 2009 @ 8:29 am
I would not hesitate to assist someone I care about with their grammar. Sadly, people who use poor grammar are not perceived as having a “unique character.” They are perceived in the professional world as being incompetent, based on their inability to speak correctly. If they can’t even use the English language correctly, why would you assume that they are able to do much else correctly?
This may or may not be justified, but it is reality. I have a young friend who does the same thing, as does her mother. I have explained over and over to her that she is going to be unable to get work as a teacher unless she fixes this. The job interview is over the moment she says “I done (something.)” And it should be. I would be furious if one of my children’s teachers spoke with poor grammar, regardless of the subject she teaches.
She is choosing to not work on her grammar. I have given up. On the other hand, when she finds that she cannot get a job, or even a recommendation from any of her instructors for positions as a music instructor, she won’t look back and wonder why someone who supposedly cares about her didn’t try to help her.
Comment by Sharon — May 19, 2009 @ 5:12 pm
Sharon, you are a true friend. I especially like your closing comment.
Comment by merylrunion — May 20, 2009 @ 6:31 am
Meryl–I promise this one won’t be as long! Perhaps there is more to the geographic difference than I was thinking originally. I do remember you mentioning some things you heard from your Southern stepmother that rocked your foundation a bit.
In my opinion, it is truly impossible to know whether a mistake is deliberate. Therefore, one who chooses what folks in this area might call the polite view of assuming it’s a joke is not faking anything. But that’s a personal belief, I think, and a geographic difference.
It could be my thought in reaction to Sharon’s comment is also geographic. She wrote, “I would be furious if one of my children’s teachers spoke with poor grammar, regardless of the subject she teaches.” In my view the shop teacher is teaching shop, not English, and I do not find his or her use of poor grammar a problem. I truly don’t expect my child to take his or her grammar cues from that class, and I think it could be a valuable opportunity to discuss with my child my belief that we can look to different people to learn about different things.
From time to time, I find myself arguing with a computer’s spellcheck programs and such (and winning), so I am often asked to proofread things for folks in my office. In one instance, I pointed out (without being mean when I said it!) that writing “please call Kelly or myself if you have questions” was incorrect, that it should be “Kelly or me”.
Wow. My assistant didn’t speak to me for three days. So maybe we are more used to “hinting and face-saving” as you write.
And it’s an important point, I think, that the very reason for the question was how to bring someone’s attention to their mistakes without hurting feelings or seeming superior. I do not believe that’s possible without, as you say, face-saving.
Oh, well, vive la difference! Thanks again.
Kelly
Comment by Kelly Graham — May 20, 2009 @ 1:58 pm
Children learn everything from all their teachers. I myself will sometimes deliberately use incorrect grammar, but it is clear from my speech that I do understand English grammar, and my tone of voice makes it equally clear that I am deliberately breaking a rule.
When the shop teacher, the coach, and the music teacher all say “I done that,” the children will be confused as to what is correct language, or even conclude that correct grammar only matters in English class. There are certain basic skills that are reasonably expected of any instructor in a formal educational setting, and correct English grammar on the part of native speakers is one of those. Instructors whose native language is something else have some leeway, as no child would confuse, say, German syntax used with English words, with proper speech.
I can certainly believe that the shop teacher understands how to operate a lathe even if s/he uses poor grammar, but the use of poor grammar is a deal-breaker for most educational systems. In the case of my young friend, when she sings songs in the process of practice, demonstration and even performance, her poor grammar causes her to mess up the lyrics. She learned her poor grammar from her mother, although there may be some confounding learning difficulties at work as well. I don’t want a music teacher who even ends up teaching the music incorrectly due to her poor grammar. The students are entitled to learn at least the basics correctly.
I differentiate poor grammar from regionalisms, of course. But our educational system is so broken down, the last thing we need is to let people teach who can’t even meet very basic standards.
If your assistant is so sensitive that she refused to speak to her supervisor for three days over the kindly correction of incorrect grammar, especially after she asked you to proofread her work, I have to figure that she is much too sensitive to continue to work for me.
I also assume (and we all know what that means!) that she is a young woman of the generation that never lost a soccer game, always got a trophy just for participating, and generally never heard a discouraging word while growing up. She also never learned to accept constructive criticism. In this, she is a victim.
It seems to me that the best thing you can do for this assistant is explain that incorrect grammar will hold her back professionally. More importantly, sulking when given constructive criticism will keep her from reaching her dreams and almost certainly cause her to lose jobs. My approach would be to sit her down and explain that continuing to behave that way when given constructive criticism will lead to termination. I would explain to her how to positively handle criticism, use it to grow and eventually reach her dreams and goals, as none of us was born knowing everything we need to know.
As to spellcheck and grammar check, well, what do you expect when computer geeks write software? Grammar check is great for making you think it through and justify your choices — but about half the time it is wrong. Spellcheck is so often used incorrectly, I’m glad someone in your office is there to proofread things! Just because it is a legitimate word doesn’t mean it is the right word! Unless, of course, I added an incorrectly spelled word to the dictionary, in which case it isn’t even a legitimate word… Sigh.
Good conversation, Kelly.
Comment by Sharon — May 20, 2009 @ 11:31 pm
I’m happy to report, Sharon, that that particular assistant found a wonderful and different place to work!
Kelly
Comment by Kelly Graham — May 21, 2009 @ 8:19 am
This is an insightful discussion between two of my favorite commenters. Like Sharon, I wouldn’t want to work with someone I can’t offer corrective feedback to. Like Kelly, I know that even though I think some people are “too sensitive,” they are as sensitive as they are, and I either have to deal with it or find someone who isn’t.
Kelly, I just had the best visit with my family ever, in part because of the awareness I gained from you of regional differences. It helped me understand how my step-mom talks – after 40 years of knowing her! I am grateful to have you as my southern-speak ambassador.
Sharon, you speak with an unusual amount of clarity. You shine an incredible light on any subject you address.
Life always involves compromise and balance. This discussion helps us decide when and how we will compromise. It’s the same balancing act I do any time I recommend a phrase – how precise, forgiving and directive do I want my words to be?
I work with generational communication issues. It is very clear to me that the Gen X and Gen Ys trend bottom line, no nonsense in their communication. That’s another cultural reality that we all need to consider…and adapt to if we want to deal with life as it is. More on that topic later!
Comment by merylrunion — May 22, 2009 @ 7:58 am
Some grammatical errors can be irritating to the person hearing
them. If possible, during the conversation, I might repeat the sentence later in a “correct” fashion. I would also, as Kelly pointed out, use humor: “I am the grammar police and you are under arrest for murdering the language.” I would only do this with friends. Otherwise, I would let it go, since acquaintances may not take my comments as kindness. However, if the person is in the position of a model or mentor (such as a teacher) I would make an official complaint.
Comment by Phoebe — June 3, 2009 @ 9:16 am
This is a delicate topic and I echo the strategies suggested above. Before jumping in, I’m careful to get a read on how sensitive a person is about their use of English and their readiness/ interest in ideas for improvement.
Is the person a native English speaker? I can’t be sure from the post. Different sensitivities come into play when one comments on use of someone’s native language versus a non-native language.
In my American-born anglophone college-educated circle, we often run tricky words by each other and appreciate corrections. It is interesting to discover regional differences and figure out how to navigate them. This is virtually impossible without insider guidance.
I am also connected with a circle of American anglophones who struggled to finish high school and do what is needed to put food on the table. This may be linked to individuals, but I’m more careful in suggesting corrections with this crowd. Some ask for help that they think would help them or their kids in accessing resources, finding steady higher-wage jobs, etc. Others don’t welcome such feedback. Sociological distinctions come to the forefront; perhaps there is sensitivity in our standing as peers, resulting in questions about whether I’m butting into one’s business, acting superior, etc. How one presents suggestions matters, but reactions can have deeper roots. Humor and a light touch only go so far.
My foreign-born boss often requests feedback on his use of words, pronunciation and grammar in documents and speech. I’m happy to help and minimizing such distractions helps him present our team in a better light.
I too have struggled with languages overseas and understand how frustrating it is to study, practice, and still never quite get it right. Some days I wished folks would help me learn by correcting me; other days, I was exhausted from trying and wished close enough would suffice without yet another grammar lesson.
I now tutor in ESOL, often using humor with gentle edits. However, I am careful to ensure students never feel like the butt of a joke. Trying to speak a foreign language is a brave act and I don’t want to discourage anyone from continuing to take that risk as they develop their skills.
Comment by Karen — July 6, 2009 @ 1:04 pm