June 9, 2009Communication Success Story ~ A sobering and refreshing conversation
Meryl,
During a recent interview for an internal position, the team lead asked that I first listen to what he had to say before I responded. I agreed and listened as he spoke of some perceptions he and others had of me. He stressed that none of this impacted the fact that I was great team player and very competent-top notch employee.
I thanked him and said I was not aware of how some of my actions were perceived and this was a blind spot to me. When I responded to the specifics of the issues he affirmed he could see where I was coming from. He recommended that I check with other co-workers and see if that was the same perception.
At the closing, he thanked me for being candid and listening to him. I walked away from this conversation stunned. I was stunned that there was this perception out in the work arena about me and stunned that the team lead cared enough about me and my success to speak with me about this perception. His candor and my willingness to listen built trust between us. I got the position.
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The word perception “bugs” me. Put some perspective on it for me Meryl. I find that if someone perceives something negative about you and chooses to bring it to management, then somehow it is automatically validated, no matter if it is really true or not. A coworker and I are straight shooters. We speak firmly and have facts. Sometimes reality isn’t handled well and when parties are forced to face the truth, we find that they turn tail and go to our manager. We have both been counseled about “so and so perceives you were being…(negative, harsh, uncooperative, etc.).
It’s interesting because if we respond with “I presented the following facts/data/info” we come off as defensive. No one seems to want to validate whether the conversation was authentic…rather they want us to know that we are perceived negatively or we need to be less (insert word).
I am glad this person got the job and it doesn’t say whether she thought the perceptions were accurate. I am more than willing to listen and come to some type of consensus with someone if they feel “something” based upon my word, action or deed. What I find difficult is the thought that I need to accept and acknowledge (in order to authenticate) someone else’s perceptions about me.
Recognize I have only chosen to comment on most likely negative perceptions. I know there are also positive perceptions. I feel the same way about that. If someone perceives me as helpful and positive and going above and beyond and really I have simply executed the duties of my job, I am grateful for the praise but also recognize that expectations seem to be lowered somehow.
Sorry for the long reply, but I would love your comments on “perceptions.”
Comment by Tina — June 12, 2009 @ 9:52 am
Great observations, Tina. I particularly like this comment: “What I find difficult is the thought that I need to accept and acknowledge (in order to authenticate) someone else’s perceptions about me.”
Perceptions come from somewhere, and whether they are accurate reflections of behaviors or not, they are a fact of life. Misperceptions can make it harder or easier to do the job. Where I see the breakdown that you describe is when people treat perceptions as reality rather than inquire into the reality behind them. Perceptions offer a perspective – a clue to an underlying reality. So they can be useful if, as this manager in the story did, one inquires into them and uncovers the facts.
I get feedback from hundreds of people each year. Their feedback describes how they perceive me. I acknowledge it as the truth of how I came across to them – or the truth of their perceptions of me – not the absolute truth of who I am. I can have one person suggest I use more humor and another suggest that I use too much in the same talk. I see it all as useful info. I adapt or I don’t.
Perhaps you are a straight shooter and people complain because they don’t want to face reality. Or perhaps there is something in how you shoot that is more stinging than it needs to be. I always say that if people find your words hard to hear, it isn’t necessarily the delivery. But I’m also always looking for a better way to say things that doesn’t create resistance going down. I would hope management would consider facts and the authenticity of the remarks and also support you in finding a better way of getting your message across if there is some way your delivery interferes with your effectiveness.
The woman who submitted the story had no idea how she came across. Now she does, and that means she will be able to tailor her message in ways that won’t create a wake of resistance.
One last comment. We speak of how the person is perceived. I prefer to consider how the communication is perceived – not to conflate the person and what they do.
Thanks for your comment! I hope we get lots of discussion about it!
Comment by merylrunion — June 12, 2009 @ 10:23 am