June 19, 2009SpeakStrong HT say NO Quick Tips for Woman’s World
I got a call from a Woman’s World journalist on how to say no. Here’s what I gave her. We’ll see what she uses.
Her header
Get extra hours in your day – effortlessly!
Are you always the one who gets asked to start a carpool, work late so others don’t have to, or pushed into things you really don’t want to – or even can’t – do because you’re afraid of letting people down?
Well, don’t worry about it! First, research shows turning down a request doesn’t make you seem rude to the other person at all – we feel worse about it than they do! But there are ways to turn down requests and still appear polite, experts promise, so you don’t have to feel guilty! Here’s how!
WW Approach
Ask a favor after you say no. Sound crazy? “It works because when we say no, we feel guilty and indebted to that person,” says David Lieberman, PhD, author of Get Anyone to Do Anything. “But by asking a favor of them right after – especially one you know they can’t really do – you’ve in effect cancelled that debt so there’s no reason for guilt!” How to do it.
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My comment:
I don’t care for this one as stated because it sounds manipulative, but I do see the value of turning the situation around.
- When you decide to say no, think of why. What priority do you have that helping them would compromise.
- Avoid sounding retaliatory or defensive in asking.
- Use the word “because” in explaining why you can’t comply, and ask for their help with your priority. The word “because” sounds authoritative, even if your reason isn’t all that good.
- Say, “I’m going to say no because I’m working on X. There is something I could use help with on that project. Would you…?”
Example: Kids are home for the summer and will barrage their parents with requests. When the child says, “Can you take me to Chuck-E-Cheese, say, “Not today because I’m cleaning the basement. I could use some help. Would you sort through the boxes for me to see which ones are still good?”
Your kids will stop nagging you to take them to Chuck-E-Cheese.
WW Approach
Her approach
Shake your head as you say no. Visual cues like shaking your head no are actually more effective than the word ‘no’, according to psychological research!
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My comments
If you’re a reluctant no-sayer, chances are good that your body-language broadcasts your hesitation and signals the other person that you can be pressured into a yes. If your words say no and your body says yes, the requester will believe your body language. Slowly turn your head from side to side before you speak and look up and to the left as if you are considering their request and scanning your mind researching the situation to see what’s possible. That way your shaking head looks like you’re reading the situation and objectively reporting what you observe rather than stubbornly resisting.
Her Scenario:
Be thankful to be asked. Acknowledge the person’s request with a flattering statement, such as ‘Thanks for thinking of me,’ or ‘What a great idea!’ This actually makes them feel good about asking you – even though they didn’t get the answer they wanted. More tk.
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My comment
Some phrases:
• “I understand this is important.” Then go on to say, “My situation is… Perhaps next time.”
• “I appreciate you thinking of me.” Then go on to say, “I have other plans. I’m sure you’ll find the person you need.”
• “I see you need help.” Then go on to say, I can’t give you the help you need because… ___?
• “I’m honored that you thought of me.” Then go on to say, “This is too big a project for me. I wish I could help.
• “Sounds interesting.” Then go on to say, “I have other commitments”
• “I know this is important.” Then go on to say, “ I’m working on… so I won’t be able to
Stall for time.
Chronic yes-sayers need to break the yes habit. Do that by adopting a standard delay phrase and using it regularly – even if you expect to say yes. Some phrases are,
- Can I get back to you on that?
- Let me check and get back to you.
- I need a few minutes to consider your request.
- I’d like a little more information to decide if this will work for me.
This will give you the space you need to overcome a yes habit.