July 7, 2009Poison Phrase: Are you sure you want to…?
Lest you think I have my communication skills perfected, I will burst your bubble. A few weeks back, my husband was preparing to cook a pizza at the end of a cleansing diet. I asked,
- Are you sure you want to eat the pizza?
I didn’t consider how my word choice contributed to the ensuing defensiveness until a friend said, “That’s parental and it turns your husband into a child.” I was busted. This is subtle stuff, but in relationships, subtlety matters. If you speak to people in parental ways, they will either regress or resist. Either way undermines sovereignty and respect.
That doesn’t mean you have to hold your tongue. Request permission to express first. say,
- May I make an observation?
Then, once invited, express your concern as one adult to another.
While seeking an invitation changes the whole dynamic, the real transformation comes from recognizing and respecting other’s sovereignty over their own lives. The right words come more naturally once the attitude is one of respect.
Subtle stuff – but very powerful. Just ask my husband – he has volunteered his appreciation for the difference numerous times.
I appreciate my friend’s willingness to bust me. He has a way of doing it that respects my autonomy. He asks to be invited in, and because I know he has something to tell me I need to hear, I always extend the invitation. His insight makes me much more fun to be around. And more effective, which is why I suggest you use this tip at work too.
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I am sorry but the logic of this escapes me. If you saw your husband about to do harm (minor or major) to himself accidently or otherwise, you’d actually ask permission first to talk/warn about it?? That’s more damaging than turning him into a “child”-I’d risk it! Remind me not to run with scissors around you.
Comment by Pat Villmer — July 7, 2009 @ 1:36 pm
I hear your objection and while I probably would have made the same argument before we made this shift, my experience with this is so powerful that I’m a believer so to speak. My hubby was defensive about his choice when I asked if he was sure if he wanted to eat the pizza, and when I ask if he’s open to a suggestion and then express my thinking or concern, he doesn’t get defensive. If I felt like I was walking on eggshells, I wouldn’t recommend this approach, but in fact I feel more freedom to express than ever before.
I wouldn’t ask permission before stopping someone from pulling out in front of a motorcycle they didn’t see, but for most of life’s discussions there’s time to request permission to comment. The truth is, he might have regretted the pizza but it wouldn’t have been a disaster, and my wording put me in the parent to a child position rather than adult to adult.
Again, it is subtle stuff, which makes the results surprisingly powerful.
Comment by merylrunion — July 8, 2009 @ 6:54 am
I just had an email exchange with a woman who shared a fabulous PowerPhrase. There was one point that I take minor issue with, so I asked: “May I suggest a slight tweak?”
It felt so much more respectful than diving right in.
Comment by merylrunion — July 8, 2009 @ 12:43 pm
I must remember to try this before opening my mouth as the ‘backseat driver’ when my husband is driving. If anything – the request to make an observation will delay my outbursts and that’s got to improve our relationship!
Comment by annelise — July 8, 2009 @ 8:29 pm
This is a great topic and a subtle but fabulous “tweak” for at home, office or with friends. Thank you!
Comment by Victoria — July 9, 2009 @ 1:40 pm
Annelise, I hear that one! I find that backseat driving makes me a more dangerous driver because it startles me and overrides my own perception, and my own perception has worked for me so far! You’re right – the angry outburst don’t help.
How’d you put the emoticon in there?
Comment by merylrunion — July 9, 2009 @ 2:52 pm
[...] subtle, but vital to understand how our words can come across as paternal. I wrote about my own parental language when I asked my hubby if he was sure he wanted to eat the pizza. He and I are slowly becoming aware [...]
Pingback by PowerPhrase: that sounds like something my mother would say | A PowerPhrase a Week — October 13, 2009 @ 3:42 am