July 18, 2009Reader question: do some people bully no matter what you say?

Meryl,

I recently refunded a $30 class deposit fee because the woman was verbally abusive toward me and it seemed like the only way to get her out of the office.

Are there some people that will not respond no matter what you say?

Response from Meryl

You’re right. Some people will bully to get what they want as long as it has any chance of working. When it’s someone you can get rid of, it can make sense to cut your losses and give them what they want, even though it rewards their abuse. When it’s someone you have an ongoing relation with, I suggest speaking calmly and staying firm until they realize bullying won’t work on you – that it won’t get them what they want. (They often will amp up the intensity to test it for a while before they back off.)

It sounds like $30 matters to this customer more than kindness, fairness and decency. She pulled a powerplay and thinks she won. And on power levels she did. You kept your dignity so I hope you enjoy a secret last laugh knowing that actually you won by staying classy. In your imaginary replay of the dialogue (you do replay it don’t you? I know I would…) you could refund her money with a comment of,

I am refunding your money because it seems winning matters to you more than honoring the commitment you made when you left this deposit. While I’m bending our policy to refund your money, it’s worth $30 to me to put this behind us and move on to other customers.

Bottom line – you did what makes sense and she’s not your problem anymore.