July 27, 2009Eye relief
I like this – simple and helpful if your eyes get tired from too much computer.
July 27, 2009PowerPhrase: And that’s how the fight ended
A friend forwarded me an email of jokes that all had the punchline: “And that’s how the fight started.” It is a collection of Poison Phrases – some based on cluelessness and others on meanness, but all pretty funny.
It reminded me of a list of Poison Phrases in performance reviews that are circulated over the internet. Again: they were funny. They also inspired myself and my coauthor of How to Say It: Performance Reviews to create a list of Bonus Superlative Review Phrases that were as over-the-top positive as the others were over-the-top negative.
I consider the “that’s when the fight started” list to be a challenge for me to create a “that’s how the fight ended” series – that is every bit as funny and not a bit divisive.
Well…here’s my first attempt.
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started….
How about:
- My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her it looked small compared to her enormous heart. And that’s how the fight ended.
Any suggestions?
July 24, 2009Speak Strong: One trick pony: Tyranny of the tool
I just posted about the movie The Wrestler. The theme song has these words. “If you’ve ever seen a one trick pony then you’ve seen me.” The words refer to the fact that the hero is outgrowing the profession of his youth and has nothing to draw on.
Many of us are gifted in one or two parts of my SpeakStrong, Smart and Sweet formula for effective communication. And we might emphasize the wrong tool, or approach, for the situation. We might try to love someone out of being exploitative or pressure someone out of being hurt or use logic to help someone get over a loss.
The SpeakStrong foundation is simple – say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it. The application can be confusing, because every situation calls for a different mix. Love relationships certainly don’t call for the same mix as, say, being a collections officer.
So don’t abandon the strengths that you have. Augment them. Be a many-trick pony, and let the tools you learn serve you rather than the other way around.
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Related posts which may interest you
- This Week in the World ~ Say What You Mean Teleseminar Series
- PowerPhrase ~ You’ve done everything he’s asked you to do and you’ve done it well. Why wouldn’t he keep piling work on you?
- PowerPhrase: call me at (x) instead of the number I am calling from
- This Week: Slow down to the speed of love
- Recycled Packaging
July 24, 2009SpeakStrong: She doesn’t know she gets to have a voice
A dear friend called recently to engcourage me to write a book for kids. She told me of her niece who sat silently at a hearing while adults discussed her future in terms that she did not agree with.
My friend worked with her niece to find what she had to say. She summed up her niece’s dilemna by telling me, “She doesn’t know she gets to have a voice.”
I know that one! If you ever question your right to have a voice, read my article Some Boats Need to be Rocked.
And there are times when I still question my right to have a voice. But when I figure out HOW to say things, the question of whether to say things gets answered.
The book for kids…well maybe some day. I write simply because in many ways I’m writing to the kid in others and in myself…the kid in us that does wonder if we get to have a voice at times.
July 24, 2009SpeakStrong: The Wrestler is a sobering movie
If you ever struggle to get out of a role and to communicate authentically, watch the movie, The Wrestler.
It’s raw and graphic and depicts the baser nature of both genders, but it can be incredible sobering to anyone who has ever played tough or ever feigned pleasure. Does that leave anybody out?
The movie depicts a tragic struggle to connect and break out of personas that come with high personal price. The highest price in my opinion isn’t the health factor, it’s the authenticity. And the characters come so close but miss.
It’s a common dynamic for one person to be ready for a deeper level of truth that startles and freaks outt the other. Then when the other recovers, the first has given up. (“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Soooo tragic because we know Scarlett finally is ready to love.)
The struggle is challenging but the prize is well worth it. Watch the movie if you can handle the flesh and the blood. Then ask yourself where you’re playing to the crowd (even a crowd of one) instead of being truthful. I’m sure you’re not as dysfunctional as the stars of this movie, but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t pull out the song and the dance at times.
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Related posts which may interest you
- PowerPhrase ~ This is higher than we anticipated and I can tell you now, it won’t work for us
- Preemptive dismissals: embrace a point before you argue with it
- Movie Doubt exposes SpeakStrong challenges
- A Funny Way of Mending Fences
- This week in the world ~ The power of tears, anger and my upcoming teleseminars
July 21, 2009Poison Phrase: Are you done yet?
This is more of a style difference than a Poison Phrase, but without understanding, it certainly can be heard as a Poison Phrase.
Nancy and Carla were visiting after months without seeing each other. After they had chatted for close to two hours, Nancy’s hubby came in and asked,
- Are you done yet?
His question clearly shows linear thinking even in regard to relationships. For him, even social exchanges have a beginning, a middle and an end. For his wife, connecting is not something one can ever be “done” with.
This type of thinking can make relating sound like just another project. On the other hand, it’s quite useful with work project meetings that need beginnings, middle and ends. Relational thinking – and language – can seem every bit inappropriate there.
Again, this is only a Poison Phrase to those who don’t understand linear thinkers and mindsets. To learn more about style differences, take my free style inventory here. You can get more on my How to Say Anything to Anyone CD.
July 18, 2009Kudo: I can speak up WITHOUT ticking off the world
This is one of my favorite kudos. I often talk about how when people don’t know what to say, they often say nothing. And when they discover there is alternative to passiveness besides aggression, they will speak. Here’s the kudo that warmed my heart.
“When I first read PowerPhrases, it felt like a candle lit in my mind. Yes, I remember thinking, I can do this. I can say these things. Unlike so many other “self-help” books I’ve read trying to cultivate my self-esteem, PowerPhrases offered me a very simple message: I really could stand up for myself, say what was on my mind and be heard WITHOUT ticking off half the known world.”
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Related posts which may interest you
- Quote Yourself / Conversational vs. Formal / Predatory Sales Rep
- Do you care too much? Jann Arden’s “Insensitive” seeks insensitivity lessons. HT be appropriately sensitive.
- Reader question: which book to get first
- Reader Success Story: Poetry power opens the heart in conflict
- Power Phrase ~ I can understand that
July 18, 2009Reader question: which book to get first
Meryl,
I feel awesome having gone through your books “Power Phrases and How to Use Them”. It’s simply wonderful. I am now planning to plunge into the next level of enligtenment and would seek your advise what should I take to buttress my communication skills?
1. Your New Book
2. Amplified Power Phrases CDs
3. Your eCourse on Power Phrases.
Shall I go one by one or can I take them all? How would prioritize if you were in my situation?
Meryl Responds,
Nice to hear from you!
It’s hard to say what’s next. Do you like listening? Are you interested in the phrases themselves, or in how to create your own? Are you interested in developing the skill one week at a time, or are you more interested in getting the information quickly?
PowerPhrases Amplified is great if you like to listen.
PowerPhrases! is a good read and great for understanding PowerPhrase principles.
How to Use PowerPhrases is to apply the principles.
The Say What You Mean eCourse if very action step-oriented.
SpeakStrong is about how to hone your message and apply the PowerPhrases principles to create your own messages.
www.speakstrong.com/store
July 18, 2009Reader question: Phrases for counseling report
Meryl,
How can I word my report about a client who completed mandatory conflict management training after an incident so they will move on from the incident and not keep it hanging over his head? He was remorseful, apologied and has shown grat improvement. This organization can be punative and judgmental.
Meryl Responds,
Interesting request!
Your comments emphasize attitude. That’s important, and I also would emphasize the newly acquired skills that will afford different choices.
- Client embraced the mandated counseling with a sincere desire and willingness to develop new skills to be able to handle confrontation effectively in the future. His (her) efforts resulted in an exceptional level of conflict management skill development. This client’s progress provides a model of how a negative incident can be turned into an opportunity for developing excellence.
Hows that?
July 18, 2009Reader question: do some people bully no matter what you say?
Meryl,
I recently refunded a $30 class deposit fee because the woman was verbally abusive toward me and it seemed like the only way to get her out of the office.
Are there some people that will not respond no matter what you say?
Response from Meryl
You’re right. Some people will bully to get what they want as long as it has any chance of working. When it’s someone you can get rid of, it can make sense to cut your losses and give them what they want, even though it rewards their abuse. When it’s someone you have an ongoing relation with, I suggest speaking calmly and staying firm until they realize bullying won’t work on you – that it won’t get them what they want. (They often will amp up the intensity to test it for a while before they back off.)
It sounds like $30 matters to this customer more than kindness, fairness and decency. She pulled a powerplay and thinks she won. And on power levels she did. You kept your dignity so I hope you enjoy a secret last laugh knowing that actually you won by staying classy. In your imaginary replay of the dialogue (you do replay it don’t you? I know I would…) you could refund her money with a comment of,
- I am refunding your money because it seems winning matters to you more than honoring the commitment you made when you left this deposit. While I’m bending our policy to refund your money, it’s worth $30 to me to put this behind us and move on to other customers.
Bottom line – you did what makes sense and she’s not your problem anymore.
