August 26, 2009Taylor’s “stroke of insight” was her real neuroscience teacher
Jill Bolte Taylor tells an amazing story of a massive stroke, that shut her brain functions — motion, speech, self-awareness — down one by one. An astonishing story.
She has become a powerful voice for brain recovery. I recommend her book or video “My stroke of insight” to help you understand the different functions in your brain.
What struck me most was her observation that she learned more about neuroscience from her own experience than she had from years of research.
How often do we study things and think we understand them, only to learn that the experience is not at all what our study leads us to believe?
Knowledge and experience support each other.
That’s one of the reasons why blog participation is so helpful and I am grateful for the feedback. It’s also a reason why we need to listen to our clients and learn from them.
August 26, 2009PowerPhrase: The impact is…
A man named Pete Lee spoke briefly at a local event about restorative justice. That is an approach that has offenders face their victims and hear the stories about the pain their actions cause. Pete said recidivism for people who have gone through it is 5-8%, which is astonishingly low. You can read one article about restorative justice here.
One piece of requesting a behavior change is to express the impact of the behavior you want changed. People need to know how their words and deeds affect others. That doesn’t mean that you hold others responsible for your own reactions, but you do let them know the impact.
Restorative justice operates on that principle, and clearly it can work well.
That’s why “The impact is…” is an important PowerPhrase for addressing behavior challenges.
August 26, 2009Reader Questions: Responses for inappropriate questions
Meryl, What do you think about, when someone says something inappropriate, saying “I Choose Not To Respond to that Comment”? It shows the comment was noted as not cool, but does not create a confrontation.
Response: If the inappropriateness of the comment is clear, that response works for me. Often people who make inappropriate comments are clueless about what they say, and might need something like,
- Are you aware of how inappropriate that comment is?
Or:
- I find that comment to be inappropriate and choose not to respond.
Of course there is the classic:
I won’t dignify that comment with a response
but it’s got some venom and might not be your best choice.
Responding to comments can be reflexive, so it’s always useful to know that you don’t have to do it.
Thanks!
August 25, 2009Power Phrase: Is it a “don’t know,” a “can’t do,” or a “won’t do” situation?
If you manage performance, the most important thing you can ask is,
- Are you not aware there’s a problem, or is it that you can’t do what I’m asking?
If they know there’s a problem and they can do what the job requires, you’ve got a “won’t do” or “don’t care” situation. In that case you need to either motivate them or call it over.
My performance management flow chart walks you through the process.
These are imporatant questions for your personal life. Too often we’re on someone’s case assuming they don’t care when in fact they are oblivious to the impact of their behavior.
August 25, 2009Reader Question: A verbal alligator pit called work
Meryl,
I am a new lawyer in a high-powered firm. My boss is not very understanding, her expectations are high, she doesn’t give clear direction, and I never know where I stand (if I’m doing a good job, if I did something correctly, if I handled a situation in the best manner). She is quick to judge (even without all the information) and I usually feel bad after talking with her.
Here are my problems:
- She interrupts, assuming the worst without allowing me to explain.
- She does not give clear direction.
- She complains that I’m giving her too much info or too little.
- She can put me down, and then I’m so stunned that I don’t know what to say.
- I tear up when I try to stand up for myself, and she treats me like a five-year old.
Do you have any suggestions that will help me deal with her?
Meryl Responds:
First, shift any ideas of getting it right to ideas of learning to work with her. In fact, think of it as learning to work with and around her particular limits and disabilities. That takes it out of the realm of absolutes. If you have any sense of being infantized by her (critical parent?) verbiage, that should shift you into a more adult mindset.
Second, create affirmations stating your attitude. Your attitude seems to be really good in general, but clarify it for this situation. Affirmations might be: I stay centered in my own being when dealing with X. X’s style gives me the opportunity to develop strength. Criticism from X reflects her more than me. I can respect X’s knowledge without embracing her judgments.
Your affirmations will be unique to you.
Third, when her words take you out, work with the situation. I will talk to the trees on my hikes when my buttons get pushed. I suggest you create 20 possible responses to each situation. Don’t worry whether they’re good or not. Don’t worry whether they’re nice or not. The intent is to get past habitual reactions. I write a bit about how to do this in this article, Back off, bully! Stand your ground with PowerPhrases and quite a bit in my book SpeakStrong.
Fourth, pick responses for each situation. Here are some possibilities for the challenges you presented here.
Some suggestions: (more…)
August 25, 2009Alligators and empowerment: Speak Strong, Smart or Sweet?
Which would you rather be known for…Speaking Strong, Speaking Smart or Speaking Sweet? Would you rather people leave a conversation with you or a presentation you give saying, “I’m motivated!,” “I learned a lot,” or “I’m touched”? Would you like them to leave with action steps, insight or an epiphany?
My next question is: in reading my first questions, did it occur to you that I was asking you to make false choices? Did it occur to you that it might be possible, and even useful, to aspire to all three?
When I encourage audiences to SpeakStrong, Smart and Sweet, my greatest challenge is communicating that the three values do not necessarily negate one another.
This is particularly true when I talk about speaking sweetly with a group that has emerged from a oppressive situations where sweetness was the only avenue open to them. For example, some nurses in my audiences have struggled so long to be respected for thier knowledge and accomplishments that any referral to sweet speech seems like regression. Of course it would be, were I to suggest that they play down their skills or that they remain passive when a situation calls for assertivenss.
It’s ironic that many people who have emerged from sweetness stereotypes have finely-honed sweet speech skills. If they marry those skills with reason and logic, they speak circles around those who never experienced that kind of oppression. Unwillingness to incorporate sweetness limits them as much as it would limit, say, a hard-driving lawyer who decided to soften his/her ways and then refuse to make an appropriated show of power.
A friend told me yesterday of an ancient initiation that involved throwing initiates in a pond of alligators to help them overcome their fears. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been thrown into a sea of alligators when I suggest that a PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger – that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down – that if chivalry and civility are dead, we need to resurrect them…without denouncing the logic and directedness we have developed.
I get thrown in to the alligator pond sometimes. Many of my readers go in every day. My hope is that my words help you safely navigate those waters without losing your humanity in the process. It makes sense, feels good and works to SpeakStrong, Smart and Sweet.
August 23, 2009Power Phrase from Dad: It’s good to have a young wife
My 90 year old Dad and his 80 year old wife trekked through airports last week. He had a wheelchair and marveled at her ability to keep up. He joked,
- It’s good to have a young wife.
Sweet!
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Related posts which may interest you
- This Week in the World: House episode ~ Lost communication filters mixed blessing
- Triangulation: A usually dysfunctional but occasionally adorable communication dynamic
- Wisdom beyond their years. “I’ve had too many political debates and “I’m moving on.”
- PowerPhrase of the Week ~ That’s mean
- PowerPhrase ~ Thank you for sharing your loss
August 21, 2009Poison Phrase: Are you nice or necessary?
I trainer I like a lot listed a number of quotes she found inspiring. One was,
- Are you nice or necessary?
There are some things I like about this quote, but it’s a false choice. Isn’t it possible to be both? I say it is, and classify this as a Poison Phrase because it implies that you can’t.
August 21, 2009PowerPhrase Quick Tip: Yes and…
An acquaintance who does improv acting told me the key idea of improv is responding to what came before with yes, and… In other words, one never negates but expands instead.
What a great approach to communication of all kinds!
August 19, 2009Reader Question: my staff wants to be informed
Meryl, My staff is upset with my manager because he asked them to leave so he could meet with me privately. In the past, sensitive issues have gotten out and since my manager doesn’t know who leaked, he isn’t as willing to share info with my staff as he once did.
One of my employees is so angry she refused to sign a birthday card to him. I’d like to help her see my manager’s perspective. What do you suggest?
Response,
Let’s look at facts, impact, need and request.
Facts: Sensitive information gets out when staffers are informed. This does not happen when only the leadership team is informed.
Impact: Since your manager does not know who is responsible, he is not willing to share sensitive information with staff.
Need: Your manager needs to protect information.
Request: How would your employees suggest he do that? What would they do in his shoes?
I suggest you say/ask,
Sensitive information gets out when staffers are informed. This does not happen when only the leadership team is informed. Since my manager does not know who is responsible, he feels the need to exclude all staffers from the discussions. How would you suggest he handle sensitive information to avoid leaks?
Who knows – they just might have an idea of how he can be more inclusive without jeopardizing confidentiality. Tell me what you think!
As a postscript, your staff sounds like they have a sense of entitlement. If you really wanted to get to what is more the core of the issue, I suggest you talk to them about that. That would rock the boat a bit…
Tell me how it goes!
