August 25, 2009Alligators and empowerment: Speak Strong, Smart or Sweet?
Which would you rather be known for…Speaking Strong, Speaking Smart or Speaking Sweet? Would you rather people leave a conversation with you or a presentation you give saying, “I’m motivated!,” “I learned a lot,” or “I’m touched”? Would you like them to leave with action steps, insight or an epiphany?
My next question is: in reading my first questions, did it occur to you that I was asking you to make false choices? Did it occur to you that it might be possible, and even useful, to aspire to all three?
When I encourage audiences to SpeakStrong, Smart and Sweet, my greatest challenge is communicating that the three values do not necessarily negate one another.
This is particularly true when I talk about speaking sweetly with a group that has emerged from a oppressive situations where sweetness was the only avenue open to them. For example, some nurses in my audiences have struggled so long to be respected for thier knowledge and accomplishments that any referral to sweet speech seems like regression. Of course it would be, were I to suggest that they play down their skills or that they remain passive when a situation calls for assertivenss.
It’s ironic that many people who have emerged from sweetness stereotypes have finely-honed sweet speech skills. If they marry those skills with reason and logic, they speak circles around those who never experienced that kind of oppression. Unwillingness to incorporate sweetness limits them as much as it would limit, say, a hard-driving lawyer who decided to soften his/her ways and then refuse to make an appropriated show of power.
A friend told me yesterday of an ancient initiation that involved throwing initiates in a pond of alligators to help them overcome their fears. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been thrown into a sea of alligators when I suggest that a PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger – that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down – that if chivalry and civility are dead, we need to resurrect them…without denouncing the logic and directedness we have developed.
I get thrown in to the alligator pond sometimes. Many of my readers go in every day. My hope is that my words help you safely navigate those waters without losing your humanity in the process. It makes sense, feels good and works to SpeakStrong, Smart and Sweet.
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I love the idea that it’s a false choice to have to pick one or even two of the three. At the same time, I know I have been burned because people tend to see me as sweet and not smart before they get to know me. I’ll never forgot a client who was trying to remember my name and the name of one of my colleagues. Someone said, “You know – Wendy is the bubbly one and Jeri is the smart one.” Ouch!
Comment by Wendy Mack — August 26, 2009 @ 2:51 pm
In the past, Southern Belles were known for being emotionally strong but charming and polite, even deferential to surrounding males. They often found indirect ways to achieve their goals. Sometimes, though, I think it pays to be more direct in communication to make sure the message goes through clearly. It depends on the stakes. Getting your husband to take out the trash is a lower-stake item; preventing a physician from giving the wrong medication to a patient in a life-threatening situation calls for a stronger response because the stakes are so much higher.
Comment by Dixie — September 5, 2009 @ 7:31 pm