August 25, 2009Reader Question: A verbal alligator pit called work
Meryl,
I am a new lawyer in a high-powered firm. My boss is not very understanding, her expectations are high, she doesn’t give clear direction, and I never know where I stand (if I’m doing a good job, if I did something correctly, if I handled a situation in the best manner). She is quick to judge (even without all the information) and I usually feel bad after talking with her.
Here are my problems:
- She interrupts, assuming the worst without allowing me to explain.
- She does not give clear direction.
- She complains that I’m giving her too much info or too little.
- She can put me down, and then I’m so stunned that I don’t know what to say.
- I tear up when I try to stand up for myself, and she treats me like a five-year old.
Do you have any suggestions that will help me deal with her?
Meryl Responds:
First, shift any ideas of getting it right to ideas of learning to work with her. In fact, think of it as learning to work with and around her particular limits and disabilities. That takes it out of the realm of absolutes. If you have any sense of being infantized by her (critical parent?) verbiage, that should shift you into a more adult mindset.
Second, create affirmations stating your attitude. Your attitude seems to be really good in general, but clarify it for this situation. Affirmations might be: I stay centered in my own being when dealing with X. X’s style gives me the opportunity to develop strength. Criticism from X reflects her more than me. I can respect X’s knowledge without embracing her judgments.
Your affirmations will be unique to you.
Third, when her words take you out, work with the situation. I will talk to the trees on my hikes when my buttons get pushed. I suggest you create 20 possible responses to each situation. Don’t worry whether they’re good or not. Don’t worry whether they’re nice or not. The intent is to get past habitual reactions. I write a bit about how to do this in this article, Back off, bully! Stand your ground with PowerPhrases and quite a bit in my book SpeakStrong.
Fourth, pick responses for each situation. Here are some possibilities for the challenges you presented here.
Some suggestions:
- She interrupts, assuming the worst without allowing me to explain.
- Open by saying, “I need two minutes to describe a situation and then to ask for the support I need from you.” If you indicate a defined period, she is more likely to let you complete your sentences. Your email indicates to me that you already know how to be succinct so I don’t think the issue here is that you ramble. (BTW, research shows that only 17% of patients get to finish their opening sentences with physicians. I bet her stats are similar.)
- She does not give clear direction.
- When you embark on a project, summarize your understanding of what she is asking for in an email. Tell her, “Based on our conversation this is how I will proceed. Please advise if I am misinterpreting your directives.” Of course this summary would be brief.
- She complains that I’m giving her too much info or too little.
- Say, “Can you give me an example of what the right amount of information would be?”
- She can put me down, and then I’m so stunned that I don’t know what to say.
- Work with these afterwards, come up with what you might have said and practice. It takes time, but eventually your words will flow more freely at the moment of offense.
- I tear up when I try to stand up for myself, and she treats me like a five-year old.
- Say, “My tears do not inhibit my ability to think and speak rationally. I want to resolve the issue.” Or, “ignore my tears and let’s focus on the facts.”
My responses are intended to jumpstart your process.
Have you taken my communication style quiz? It gives you sample phrases that each style needs to use more of. PowerPhrases goes into depth about it and has lots of phrases to deal with attacking behavior. SpeakStrong gives you tools to create your own phrases.
I’m always looking for Poison Phrases, so you could be an undercover Poison Phrase agent for me. When she says things that stun you into silence, I invite you to make a mental note of her words and send them to me. I find taking action with that kind of thing takes the sting out a bit, even if I don’t find a way to respond to the offender.
I hope this helps! I really enjoyed working with your question because you are so clear and you give specific examples which makes it easier to respond.
2 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post.
| TrackBack URI
You can also bookmark
this on del.icio.us or check the cosmos
Regarding the “put downs”, until you have a specific power phrase to say, you can always respond with something generic, such as: “That was uncalled for” or “inappropriate” or “hurtful”. Whatever word you choose, take a deep breath, say it as a matter-of-fact statement, and move on. (For example, “That was uncalled for; what I need from you is…”)
I’ve done this before, and the very fact that I’m calling the person out on their words is often enough to refocus the conversation back to the facts versus the using mean, hurtful, and emotional words.
Hope this helps…
Comment by Judy — August 31, 2009 @ 1:27 pm
Great suggestion! Your key word is “refocus,” and that takes it out of the alligator pit into a productive consideration. The old principle of “talk about what yu want more than what you don’t want.” Thanks!
Comment by merylrunion — September 4, 2009 @ 8:52 am