August 26, 2009Reader Questions: Responses for inappropriate questions
Meryl, What do you think about, when someone says something inappropriate, saying “I Choose Not To Respond to that Comment”? It shows the comment was noted as not cool, but does not create a confrontation.
Response: If the inappropriateness of the comment is clear, that response works for me. Often people who make inappropriate comments are clueless about what they say, and might need something like,
- Are you aware of how inappropriate that comment is?
Or:
- I find that comment to be inappropriate and choose not to respond.
Of course there is the classic:
I won’t dignify that comment with a response
but it’s got some venom and might not be your best choice.
Responding to comments can be reflexive, so it’s always useful to know that you don’t have to do it.
Thanks!
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I have to play devil’s advocate on this again. The response (all varieties) implies that the comment was inappropriate. I have to ask–who deems it inappropriate? I find that often a comment could be something factual such as ” Joe was late with providing the Sales report and his numbers didn’t jibe with the report from Finance” and because someone’s feeling may be bruised by hearing, say a colleague of Joe’s who provided data, suddenly the comment is inappropriate. I find that we must sanitize everything for fear of being deemed inappropriate or too direct or too “insert your thought.”
I think that we are branding those speaking as clueless, and perhaps that is harsh. Maybe the person speaking it is being direct, factual and fair with their intonation but if the receiver isn’t ready to hear it or wants to stand in the agree to disagree column, somehow it always becomes the issue of the person speaking the comment.
Perhaps the comment could be expanded to something such as “While others may not share this opinion, I find your comment/statement inappropriate.”
If I am on the receiving end of that, I would certainly ask the person to expand on the comment as to why they found it inappropriate and exactly why they felt that way.
I know Meryl will set me straight if she disagree’s.
Comment by Tina Gjerdset — September 2, 2009 @ 3:46 pm
I don’t disagree at all. I did respond based on the assumption that it was a remark like commenting on how great someone looks in that sweater in a board meeting. Sometimes people go unconscious when they speak and know themselves that they were out of line once someone calls their attention to it. Even in that case I would add the words “I find” to qualify the response. If there is any chance that appropriateness is arguable and simply a matter of opinon, I like your suggestion.
Comment by merylrunion — September 4, 2009 @ 8:49 am