August 19, 2009Poison Phrase: just an old man talking about his life
I enjoy Amazon reviews to discover how others experience books and audios I study. It’s amazing how different impressions can be.
I love the writing of Robert A. Johnson. So I looked up his audio The Golden World.
One commenter noted,
- It’s just an old man talking about his life.
This reader revealed her attitude toward elders. I find many elders have much to say, and this elder in particular. Robert A. Johnson had a rich life, and his sharing enriches mine.
Actually I think we could benefit from hearing about just about everyone’s life, but particularly someone who lived so ecstatically and so consciously.
August 19, 2009Updateded quick tip: Only talk what you walk
Today I received two emails from female associates with sister in the title. I guess it’s girlfriend day. One invited me to an event she was promoting, but also included a lovely note. The other was from a friend who had canceled our last three attempts to get together at the very last minute. The casual nature of her cancellations indicated that she was treating our plans as intentions rather than the commitments we had made to each other. Her email was a forward to about thirty women and contained a treatise on the value of girlfriends.
I was happy to receive the promotional email with a personal note, but felt less heartwarmed by the poetry and prose from someone whose actions had not matched the flowery language of her forward. It reminded me of a chapter in my SpeakStrong book that says not to talk a walk you’re not walking. It’s better to remain silent than to speak of things you don’t live up to.
I do value the women in my life…including my “flaky” friend. I just consider this a reminder of how talking the talk can highlight the fact that we may not be walking the walk. It reminds me to make a note that before I let the words leave my mouth (or my fingers…) I want to check to determine that I’m living what I advocate.
Here’s a quote from trainer Colleen Stanley.
“Do what the competition isn’t willing to do….though you’re probably not willing to do it either!”
August 18, 2009A workplace softening
My colleagues and I have noticed a softening in the workplace. We’ve noticed people letting their defenses down, admit what they’re feeling and being willing to be more tender with their colleagues.That’s why I have added Speak Smart and Speak Sweet to my Speak Strong message. That’s why my friend allowed one of the members of a corporate group she directed to continue with her tears until they were done. Everyone was moved and grateful.
When we start to let down, our sorrow can deepen because we recognize how hard we have been. If we let ourselves be human, we are not likley to need cathartic releases. But tender moments are still precious.
This is what many of my friends and I are noticing. How abut you?
August 18, 2009Quick Tip: How NOT to give feedback
Has anyone ever given you a gift and dictated how you should use it? They gave you a picture and wanted it on the mantle when you put it on a table? They brought wine and insisted you use it immediately, even though you already had plenty open? That kind of control turns a gift into an achor or a burden.
Feedback can be the same way. Carl passed some feedback on to Linda about how her word choice offended a client. She thanked him for the suggestion and said she would be careful to avoid those words. But Carl kept pushing the issue. Linda didn’t understand why he didn’t take his word for it that she had received the feedback and would implement it and they would move on.
Later, Carl mentioned to Linda that he understood the feedback was hard for her to hear. She tried to explain that she had no issue with the feedback but wondered why he didn’t trust her to implement it when she had already said she would. It sounded to her as if Carl was tryiing to control how she heard the feedback.
Some people only need a whisper to get the point. When you push the point, it implies they aren’t professional enough to be able to implement the information you gave them.
Feedback is like a gift. You give it to someone and let it go. It’s theirs now.
August 17, 2009Reader SpeakStrong comment from China
Hello,Merry,
I am Hill, an amateur from Beijing ,RPC.
I found SpeakStrong’s website occasionally, and its colorful contents attracted me. So, I have a good idea , introduce the website to my friends. So, I want adduce some quotation information from the SpeakStrong. Can I ? If I can, what should I do? That’s all.
Best wishes.
Note: I’m always delighted for people to share my information. And my book has been translated into Chinese. I can’t read it so I don’t know if it’s any good.
August 17, 2009PowerPhrase quick tip: cry at maudlin movies
I have a new commitment to myself. I will allow myself to cry at maudlin movies – and even over long distance commercials. If the producer is manipulating me, so be it. Sure, I’ll think twice before I act on impulse like the hero in the flick did. Yes, I’lI decide whether to change phone services based on reason, not the emotional impact of the reunited family. But I’ll let myself feel sweetness where ever I find it without asking permission from my intellect. I invite you to do the same to open yourself to tenderness of feeling.
I think of a couple of little girls who demonstrated their homemade bow and arrow. It shot no more than six inches. They took joy in their accomplishment and that joy was in no way diminished by their knowledge that “real” bows and arrows cover greater distance.
I wish I could watch movies with those two. What a heart-opener that would be.
August 17, 2009PowerPhrase: My goal is to help you succeed
When performance reviews are part of a system of effective performance tracking and management, the actual review has very little corrective focus, more celebrative acknowledgment and is mainly focused on future success. That’s why:
My goal is to help you succeed
is a PowerPhrase in performance reviews..
August 17, 2009Perfunctory performance reviews and other empty words
My client’s organization stopped giving performance reviews years ago because they were perfunctory. Employees were writing their own and the managers rubber stamped them. That rewarded dishonest positives. This organization is ready to revamp their entire system and start a meaningful review process.
Ingenuous reviews are worse than no reviews at all. Reviews are not only painless but tremendously valuable when they are part of an integrated management system. I write about that system in How to Say It: Performance Reviews. You can get a snippet of my performance management process by visiting my free stuff page and scrolling about a third of the way down.
I respect this organization’s CEO’s decision to end the empty reviews, and I respect his decision to start a new review process that is reflective of true performance. Systems that promote inauthentic communication are not just ineffective. They are destructive. Just one problem with perfunctory reviews (among many) is that if a manager does not whitewash an employee’s performance but accurately addresses issues, that manager can be considered a trouble-maker. Authenticity in an inauthentic environment can often be misinterpreted.
How do you communicate in ways that invite inauthenticity in your personal and professional life?
By the way, my client mentioned that he refers to the training I gave at his previous company more than any other training he has received. I was gratified to hear that – especially since it has been nine years since I presented the training.
August 17, 2009PowerPhrase: Exaggeration as a humor tool
The Detective Mom is at it again. I got a laugh out of her comment that,
“My youngest’s first complete sentence was, ‘Mommy, can we get a dog now?’”
While I have felt victimized by exaggerated complaints and other abuses of exaggeration, it makes me chuckle to picture a toddler speaking this way for the very first time. In fact, it has me wanting to write a whole book where kids speak the way we hear their words as in this example.
Okay, maybe not a whole book. Perhaps I exaggerate.
August 14, 2009Poison Phrase: You can’t read this PowerPoint slide, but…
Ellen Finkelstein is an author and speaker with an expertise in PowerPoint. I asked her what her favorite PowerPoint Poison Phrase is, and she said,
-My favorite poison phrase is, when referring to a slide,
- “I know you can’t see this, but…”
She lists other errors in Top 10 Mistakes Businesswomen Make.
