September 21, 2009Reactions matter. Every word matters. And so does body language.
The news has been flooded with examples of public figures who need some impulse control help lately. That’s what makes the response of a father whose daughter threw his prize catch of a foul ball at a Philadelphia ball game back into the crowd so inspiring. He knew her heart mattered more than his trophy, and he immediately hugged her. It’s sweet to watch.
Knee jerk reaction do matter. When we strike out unconsciously, it does help to apologize afterward, but the traces of our aggression still lingers. That’s why it’s worth the trouble to get conscious of automatic behaviors. Interesting how the real role model in the news these days isn’t a public figure, it’s just a guy. A guy well worth emulating in his response.
September 20, 2009Reader question: an abrasive sounding soccer coach
Meryl,
My 6-year old is one of the younger kids on his soccer team. (6 and 7-year olds.) His coach is one of the parents, and I appreciate that she is volunteering her time and energy. However my son finds her very intimidating. As she hollers from the sidelines, it is never anything inappropriate. She’s not trying to belittle the kids – it’s always constructive comments. I think her expectations may be a little too advanced for the age group, but there’s absolutely nothing nasty in the content of what she is yelling. However somehow the deep tone in which she projects her voice comes across as very angry. She’s not, and she yells positive things too … but my son leaves the game feeling like a failure. Although he is very good for his age, he left the most recent game saying, “See, I told you I was no good at soccer!” Both my mother and the mother of one of the other little boys on the team have also commented to me on how this woman sounds.
Even the positive things she yells come out harsh because of her voice. I swear, she could spend the whole game yelling, “Good throw!”, and “Way to spread the field!” and things of that nature, and she’d still scare the crap out of the little guy. Her voice just sounds like she’s barking.
So, should I address this and, if so, how? It seems like a characteristic that she can’t really control. Yet I hate to see my son, who loved his last soccer team and excelled at it, having a coaching experience that turns him off from the game. And I also don’t want the coach coming away feeling insulted, for I don’t think she is doing anything wrong.
Response:
If kids are disturbed by it, it could make the difference between a life of loving soccer and not.
How about this?
- I need your help. My son hears your comments as criticism and he concluded that he’s no good at soccer. I think when you shout to be heard, it puts an edge on your voice. I don’t want him to give up the game, so I wonder if it’s possible for you to modify your tone and still be heard…
My original version was much longer. What do you think? Readers? What do you think?
September 20, 2009How are YOU celebrating punctuation day?
Assumptive closes drive me cray, but when they are offered in the spirit of playfulness they can be pretty funny.
- How are YOU celebrating punctuation day?…
was the header of a recent Barbara McNichol Word Tripper post. Here’s how she is celebrating it…she invited her readers to share their punctuation pet peeves. I asked her to let me know if anyone listed ME as their pet peeve, since I know I violate laws of grammar and punctuation. Anyway, let her know yours here:
Your pet peeves about punctuation
I feel pretty sure when I read them I’ll wonder… what’s wrong with that one? But I also feel sure that reading them will help me upgrade my own punctuation acumen.
September 20, 2009PowerPhrases for kids when a friend’s parent dies
Wow. The Detective Mom is wondering how to coach her kids in empathizing with their friends whose Dad just died.
Her post came just as I’ve been finalizing a song about losing my late hubby called “The Hardest Part.” “The hardest part is to act like nothing’s wrong.”
Kids can be a bit too straightforward in these matters… or are they? “I’m sorry for your loss” sound so inauthentic to me. “I wish your dad didn’t die” sounds real.
I suggested she have them discuss what they wanted to hear when they lost something they loved or someone. But I also said I’d ask you for your advice. Thoughts?
September 20, 2009SpeakStrong: confronting performance illusions
The crucial conversation team addressed employees who have “delusions of adequacy” at the performance review. Joseph Grenny wrote, “It should be no surprise to those of us in leadership positions that we often have to confront people’s illusions about themselves.”
His excellent advice doesn’t address a question that came to my mind. Why is the discrepancy between perception and performance being dealt with at the PERFORMANCE REVIEW? Why wasn’t this clarified long before in a collaborative effort to prepare the employee for a stellar review?
My Totally Integrated Performance System – or TIPS – implements systems to keep the dialogue going throughout the performance period and doesn’t allow for surprises at the review.
Leaders still need to confront illusions about performance, but in a timing that makes the stakes more reasonable.
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Related posts which may interest you
- Perfunctory performance reviews and other empty words
- Looking for a good resource to prepare for your own performance review?
- This Week in the World ~ Speaking in corporations and conventions
- 3 New Resources Are Available 2 DVDs and a Performance Review Phrase Book
- PowerPhrase: My goal is to help you succeed
September 19, 2009Poison Phrase: As usual, you are…
While searching the internet for ways to increase bile flow, I came across a post about the herb rosemary. Someone responded to the post with a reply that said,
- As usual, you are again promoting the use of herbal remedies without the mention of any potential side effects that may exist. You need to include the dangers that abound in using herbal products when you include your posts promoting this stuff.
While the point was a good one, beginning with an absolute characterization using the Poison Phrase:
- as usual, you are again
injects an adversarial tone into the discussion.
Then the
- you need to
continues in a parental tone that creates resistance. I found myself wanting to dismiss the cautions that followed, but decided to move past that and read them. They were useful, and yet they would have been more palatable had they been delivered in a less absolute and parental fashion.
I might reply to this poster by saying,
- As usual, you are again using absolute and parental Poison Phrases to frame your advice. You need to read my book PowerPhrases and formulate your observations in ways that don’t create resistance by triggering a reptilian brain response.
Of course I won’t. I won’t even say,
- Thanks for adding to the discussion by pointing out the precautions regarding rosemary. FYI, I found myself resisting the words “as usual” and “you need to” because they sound adversarial to me. While I suspect this wording reflects ongoing frustration with a potentially dangerous omissions, I would find it easier to learn from your posts if the wording was more collaborative and less condemning. I suspect others would as well.
That includes fact (inspection), feeling,(connection phrase) and request (direction phrase.)
Okay. I’m ready for all kinds of observations about how my wording isn’t perfect either. I invite it – and request that you avoid the words “as usual” and “you need to” when you offer it. Of course I know you will.
September 14, 2009Hungry kitten displays pitfalls of impatience
If you’ve ever tried to explain something to someone who didn’t have the patience to let you finish your sentences, send them this clip. It shows how impatience can delay getting what you want.
Sometimes we create a fight when we don’t need to.
September 13, 2009Poison Phrase: What NOT to say at a downsizing good-bye lunch
This came via email:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing. ‘ Our manager commented cheerfully,
- This is fun. We should do this more often.
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
.
September 9, 2009Brick Wall PowerPhrase from @Lindaleelarsen
I love Linda Larsen’s latest powerPhrase… err… Words that Work.
- When I see a brick wall, I turn around.
If you thin about it, you can probably figure it out, but you also can read all about it here.
September 8, 2009Parrot PowerPhrases
Did you know that parrots pick up profanity more quickly than common phrases because there’s so much energy in them?
That’s compelling evidence that emotions do have a place in the impact of words, whether we want them to or not!
