September 8, 2009PowerPhrase: What do you mean by that?
I recently posted some responses for inappropriate questions. This week, I heard another one that I like quite well. It’s simply to ask,
- What did you mean by that?
Asked in a straightforward manner, it provides a mirror for any kind of unconscious communication, and that mirror makes it conscious. It holds them accountable without being hostile, parental or attacking.
If the intent was conscious hostility and their response makes that clear, at least you know what you’re dealing with.
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I use this question often; mostly for clarification. To be sure I heard correctly – or clarify words or sentences that seemed openended or the like. Or make sure I am not drawing incorrect conclusions. Often communications are not all that clear or conclusive, so that we may need to guesss
Comment by Rannie Boes — September 9, 2009 @ 8:53 pm
I know this is from six weeks ago — I hope you don’t mind that I write in about it now. I wanted to comment because I was just figuratively “hit between the eyes” with what I believe is the opposite of this phrase. When called on it, though, the speaker protested innocence and said he just wanted to know what I meant.
The opposite phrase, to me, is this: “What’s that supposed to mean?” spoken with a kind of snide or sneering tone. Took me right back to high school. Eek!
Comment by Kelly Graham — October 23, 2009 @ 10:42 am
Oh, yes, high school.
The phrase I had can come across as a challenge rather than an inquiry, but your version leaves little room for the benefit of doubt.
Comment by merylrunion — October 23, 2009 @ 12:44 pm
My boss always says– “So…help me understand…, or “So what you are saying is…”
This is very nonthreatening. Elicits the sense of ownership of clarification to the speaker without being taken as defensive or sarcastic/snide.
College (a little beyond high school)LOL.
Comment by Rebecca — October 29, 2009 @ 5:12 pm