September 20, 2009Reader question: an abrasive sounding soccer coach

Meryl,

My 6-year old is one of the younger kids on his soccer team. (6 and 7-year olds.) His coach is one of the parents, and I appreciate that she is volunteering her time and energy. However my son finds her very intimidating. As she hollers from the sidelines, it is never anything inappropriate. She’s not trying to belittle the kids – it’s always constructive comments. I think her expectations may be a little too advanced for the age group, but there’s absolutely nothing nasty in the content of what she is yelling. However somehow the deep tone in which she projects her voice comes across as very angry. She’s not, and she yells positive things too … but my son leaves the game feeling like a failure. Although he is very good for his age, he left the most recent game saying, “See, I told you I was no good at soccer!” Both my mother and the mother of one of the other little boys on the team have also commented to me on how this woman sounds.

Even the positive things she yells come out harsh because of her voice. I swear, she could spend the whole game yelling, “Good throw!”, and “Way to spread the field!” and things of that nature, and she’d still scare the crap out of the little guy. Her voice just sounds like she’s barking.

So, should I address this and, if so, how? It seems like a characteristic that she can’t really control. Yet I hate to see my son, who loved his last soccer team and excelled at it, having a coaching experience that turns him off from the game. And I also don’t want the coach coming away feeling insulted, for I don’t think she is doing anything wrong.

Response:

If kids are disturbed by it, it could make the difference between a life of loving soccer and not.

How about this?

I need your help. My son hears your comments as criticism and he concluded that he’s no good at soccer. I think when you shout to be heard, it puts an edge on your voice. I don’t want him to give up the game, so I wonder if it’s possible for you to modify your tone and still be heard…

My original version was much longer. What do you think? Readers? What do you think?