October 29, 2009PowerPhrases revision: What changes would you like me to make?

McGraw Hill asked me to revise and update my Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors book, as they plan to relaunch it. I also know it’s time to revise and update PowerPhrases!.

What changes would you like to see? In addition to more phrases, I want to add sections to both books on the changing tone and communication values due to the fact that women now outnumber men in supervisory positions, the influence of Gen X and Gen Y in the workplace and intergenerational communication, mentoring and social networking.

Suggestions?

October 29, 2009Poison Phrase: Are you afraid to drive on ice and snow?

In deciding whether I would keep an appointment I had in town, I asked a friend who drove up to get something about road conditions. She gave me an accounting, and then asked,

-  Are you afraid to drive on ice and snow?

I replied that I wasn’t, but that I also am aware that I’m not invincible, and I want to exercise due caution.

My friend’s words implied that the only reason not to drive on ice is fear. We often send this kind of signal without realizing it. And I have often gotten caught in the trap of other people’s definitions without knowing what happened. As I become more aware of this kind of dynamic, I can respond in ways that match my own experience rather than finding myself trapped in a box that doesn’t fit at all.

October 27, 2009PowerPhrase: We’re experiencing a disconnect

Roger and I are working on a creative project together. In the past, we’ve shot off ideas and impressions to each other continually as the brainstorming process evolves. This time, he was not responsive. I knew he was under pressure to complete other projects, but I kept sending him info as things changed on my end so when he was ready to move forward, he would be working with “the latest.”

I was a bit discouraged when Roger sent a request that I send him everything in one email, and proceeded to ask questions that even a scan of my previous messages answered. I also was discouraged that his response said nothing of the creative content I had sent him. Clearly we were not in tune with each other this time around.

When I addressed it, I did not want to make it a personal issue or make it a matter of right and wrong. So I observed that we were:

• Experiencing a disconnect.

I went on to say that it seemed we needed to clarify how we would work together, and that I hoped that whatever we decided on allowed him to be involved in the creative process since I found his input so valuable.

We are adapting to different circumstances, but we are reconnected in our efforts.

October 27, 2009PowerPhrase: May I put the ball in your court for this?

My friend and colleague Linda Larsen did me the favor of referring me to a meeting planner who is looking for conference speakers. Linda called to tell me as she drove home, so when I asked for her to send me the agent’s name for the event, she said,

• May I put the ball in your court for this?

She went on to explain how challenging it is for her to remember all the requests she gets when she is traveling. I empathized and agreed to send her an email request.

It’s important to know our limits and to avoid commitments we can’t honor. It was easy for me to send a reminder, it took the burden of remembering off her, and ensured me the result I wanted… this planner’s contact info.

October 27, 2009PowerPhrase: Please call me back when you can give me your full attention.

Seconds after I answered a welcome call from a service provider, I heard a lot of bangs, grinding and machine noise. I found it hard to hear, and did not get the impression the man was giving me his full attention. I asked if he was doing something else, and he explained he was trying to get his van started. I asked,

• Will you call me back when you can give me your full attention?

The noise stopped and he did give me the attention I needed to be able to tell him what I needed.

October 24, 2009Poison Phrase: You do not LOOK sick

A reader writes:

I have been reading books recently on hidden chronic illness and pain. One phrase that keeps turning up in the books is:

- Well you don’t look sick.

If a person lives with chronic pain and has made a special effort to attend an event, hearing this phrase tends to make a person angry and frustrated. If you protest that you actually are ill, in pain, or disabled, often people will argue the point with you. Lots of people these days have hidden health issues, including digestive problems, back problems, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, lupus and more. One book I read said 1 in 3 people live with chronic pain.

Meryl responds:

The benefit of the doubt would interpret this as a compliment rather than a negation. My first thought is to respond with,

• Thanks. I’m glad to hear that.

But there are several possible approaches. One would be to ask,

• Are you suggesting I’m making it up?

Or something like,

• I’m thinking about painting dark circles under my eyes so people will believe me.

Readers?

October 23, 2009Women set a new leadership style. Men are disoriented by it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about gender communication. I’ll be speaking about it in a teleseminar on Monday. You are welcome to join in.

I read a fascinating article by First Governor Dan Mulhern about how it’s a tough time for men. Here’s a snippet.

Men have been equipped to work, to lift and toil, to exert, to direct and manage, and if necessary even to fight.  We are programmed, deep in our minds and cells, to protect and to provide.  And now many men are adrift in a massive sea change.  Women already outnumber men in supervisory positions.  Soon they will outnumber men in the workforce altogether.  And “women’s characteristics” are increasingly valued in the workplace:  cooperation, collaboration, relationship, listening, tolerance, diversity are surpassing assertion, competition, and command – let alone aggression.  These changes challenge men in the white collar world.

The blue collar world is even more treacherous for men.  Automation and low wage global competition continue to suck men’s jobs from Michigan and America.  And so men wonder: How do I provide?  How do I protect? Where is my place?  How do I adapt to a world, where I can’t find a “real job” and where (hopefully) my wife is able to step in and lead?

When I first became aware of the woman’s movement, I concluded women were fighting for the right to be like men in the world. In some ways, the trend discredited characteristically feminine traits as named above. While I’ve been delighted to be able to compete in the world, it is a world that favors patriarchal values, and that takes its toll on the feminine side of men and women.

But the tables are turning as they do when diversity happens. We’re all learning how to live the new rules.

For more, join us on the Genderly Speaking teleseminar. And read The Shriver Report: A Woman’s Nation Changes Everything

October 23, 2009Speak Sweet: Art sweetens the bitterness of life

In August I posted about my new commitment to let myself cry at movies. Last night I revisited the song Bright Eyes from Watership Down. What a sweet song, and what sublime tears it inspires.

The You Tube posts about the song include comments from people who laugh at themselves for crying so deeply about the death of a cartoon bunny. It may seem silly, but it is healthy. Art sweetens the bitterness of life. We cry over cartoon bunnies so we can face the pain of losing a real bunny – or kitten – or parent – or child – without becoming bitter.

My heart feels much more alive after replaying the song that moved me so deeply. And you know that deepens communication.

October 22, 2009Kids do not grow up on a schedule

At lunch during a school district conference, one of the admins quoted herself as telling an official,

• We’re here for the kids who don’t grow up on a schedule.

Nice to keep that focus.

October 22, 2009How to exploit friends and manipulate people

I’ll set the record straight first. I love Dale Carnagie’s classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People. It’s about building character, not manipulation skills.

And while I see the social networking trends as a step forward in the personalization and humanization of business, it also can be a slippery slope.

I think of the classic multi-level marketing “two-foot rule.” Anyone within two feet is considered fair game for a sales pitch.

But some of the techniques make a mockery of relationships. When long lost friends suddenly show up and feign interest in how you’re doing before laying on a sales pitch, you know they haven’t been learning from the book How to Win Friends and Influence People.  They’ve been studying: How to Exploit Friends and Manipulate People.

So before you start singing someone’s praises in preparation to ask them for something, ask yourself which school you’re learning from.

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