October 24, 2009Poison Phrase: You do not LOOK sick
A reader writes:
I have been reading books recently on hidden chronic illness and pain. One phrase that keeps turning up in the books is:
- Well you don’t look sick.
If a person lives with chronic pain and has made a special effort to attend an event, hearing this phrase tends to make a person angry and frustrated. If you protest that you actually are ill, in pain, or disabled, often people will argue the point with you. Lots of people these days have hidden health issues, including digestive problems, back problems, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, lupus and more. One book I read said 1 in 3 people live with chronic pain.
Meryl responds:
The benefit of the doubt would interpret this as a compliment rather than a negation. My first thought is to respond with,
- Thanks. I’m glad to hear that.
But there are several possible approaches. One would be to ask,
- Are you suggesting I’m making it up?
Or something like,
- I’m thinking about painting dark circles under my eyes so people will believe me.
Readers?
5 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post.
| TrackBack URI
You can also bookmark
this on del.icio.us or check the cosmos
A couple of thoughts, the first along the lines of interpreting “Well you don’t look sick” as a compliment: “You’re kind to say that” OR “Thanks, it did take a bit of effort, and I’m so happy to be here.”
Re: deflecting it with humor: “Ah, my disguise must be working!” OR (with a smile), “Great, I’ve fooled another person!”
In my personal experience, I am, in fact, one of those persons described in the question: I live with chronic pain and generally it’s very well hidden. Very recently I found it necessary to get a handicapped parking tag because of joint deterioration from injuries sustained when I was 17. I use the handicapped tag only when absolutely necessary, and I have prepared myself in case someone makes a comment. My answer is: “Well, I COULD show you my scars, but we really don’t know each other that well!”
Thanks!
Comment by Kelly Graham — October 29, 2009 @ 1:45 pm
Kelly, why do I even try to come up with PowerPhrases without consulting you first?
Comment by merylrunion — October 29, 2009 @ 1:56 pm
Learned it from the best, my friend!
Comment by Kelly Graham — October 29, 2009 @ 2:26 pm
Thank you for this post. I am one of the 3 with chronic fatigue with immune dysfunction and fibromyalgia. I really like, “Thanks, it did take a bit of effort, and I’m really so happy I came.”
Another response I share with a smile is, “When I’m feeling good, I make the most of my day. Stop by my house for an unexpected visit and you may see a different person having a different kind of day.”
Kelly J Eveleth
Comment by Kelly Eveleth — October 29, 2009 @ 5:43 pm
This depends greatly on who said that. If it is a family member who is expressing doubt that you have an actual illness, which happens far too frequently, then a different type of response is needed. It is time to explore why this individual does not accept your illness, and decide if it is worthwhile to keep that person involved in your life. Far too often, it is better for the person with the illness to eliminate the toxic family member from their life.
One good resource is to look up the “Spoons” and “chronic illness” http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/.Christine Miseriandino wrote it.
Comment by Sharon — October 30, 2009 @ 12:14 am