October 22, 2009Poison Phrase: Why do you insist on talking about it when you know it upsets me?
I enjoy the show Mad Men. A few weeks back, Betty’s father tried to talk with her about his affairs and funeral arrangements. She listened rigidly, and cut him off saying,
- Why do you insist on talking about it when you know it upsets me?
He responded by giving her his file. He died suddenly in the next episode.
Sometimes we need to talk about things that upset other people. Some boats need to be rocked.
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October 22, 2009School district assistant and official wisdom
I recently spoke to the administrative assistants for a local school district. Often at lunch I will share some added tidbits of the knowledge and skills I have obtained in my years of training and writing. But this time I listened. I was happy to hear the wisdom these caring professionals displayed.
Once upon a time, when kids got into trouble, the parents would generally come down on the side of school officials. Not any more. Now, many parents jump in to defend their kids without considering the evidence. I had heard this before, but what I hadn’t heard was how school officials manage to stay open to the real needs of the kids even when parents are criticizing them unfairly.
One remark struck me most deeply. An official told his assistant,
- There’s a kid behind every complaint, so put those calls through to me.
This and several other remarks inspired me. When someone comes down unfairly against you, it’s so easy to come back unfairly against them. These people manage to keep the needs and interests of the children they serve in priority. I salute them.
October 22, 2009PowerPhrase: Let us make up for lost time.
Almost every time I talk with my Dad these days, he tells me how much he likes my latest book SpeakStrong. He repeats himself – which I don’t mind, of course, by pointing out how it is much deeper than my previous books and how it requires much more of the reader.
I think it was also a repeat when he added,
- I wish you had written it 70 years ago. It makes me realize how little I communicated throughout my life. I regret that.
The perfect answer, of course is,
- Let’s make up for lost time now.
And we are.
Reading my books has given my father the opportunity to get to know me. And having the emotional intelligence and communication skills is giving us the opportunity to really get to know each other in his final years.
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- Find the Lost Generation, and the opportunities in the argument?
- Poison Phrase: How can I make my ex talk to me?
- This Week in the World ~ A way in, communication EQ
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October 22, 2009Self righteousness is not Speaking Strong
Yes, Joe dropped the ball on Connie. He let her find out through the grapevine she was dropped from a project rather than telling her directly. But her confrontation that said,
- I would never do that to you. You owe me…
Smacked of self-righteousness rather than disclosure of feeling.
Self-righteousness is not Speaking Strong.
October 22, 2009Poison Phrase: we will never have a good working relationship.
I was recently brought in to speak by a woman who had been told by her boss that:
- You and I will never have a good working relationship
After hearing my assistant’s seminar, she decided to prove him wrong. She succeeded.
She was new to her job when her manager gave her the thumbs down. Now they get along great because she took control of her job without being aggressive.
I love hearing stories like that! Poison Phrases can be challenges to fire back more poison – or they can be challenges to move the interaction to a higher level as my friend did.
October 13, 2009Comment: date request via email
In the spirit of “Daddy’s birthday observed,” The Detective Mom quotes a story from PowerPhrases! when she writes about an email date request she received from her hubby. He chose email even though they had been online in the same room together for hours.
There’s nothing wrong with augmenting relationships with email… as long as we don’t forget to get personal often enough to nourish each other. Expediency has its place – and so does romance.
October 13, 2009Reader question: personal hygiene revisited
Meryl,
I read your article about how to address personal hygiene issues. My situation is a bit different because the offender is a consumer at a mental health service. How can I tell him he needs to shower and change clothing? He’s in denial about it.
Meryl Responds,
I think the recommendations in the article can be adapted to your situation. Remember: say what you mean and mean what you say without being mean when you say it. What are the facts? How does his hygiene affect you? What do you want him to do? Why do you want him to know this? How would it benefit him?
Sometimes when people insist that what I’m asking for isn’t necessary, I’ll say,
- Will you please humor me and… (honor my request… my example: double check to make sure you don’t have the check I sent you. Your example: bathe before you come in.)
Be a broken record. Calmly and gently say you’d love to sit closer but due to his lack of hygiene you will need to sit across the room. Denial is generally most easily broken with gentle repetition.
October 13, 2009PowerPhrase: that sounds like something my mother would say
“Roy” was highlighting the parts of his notes he wanted to emphasize in his presentation. He was marking so much that Carla commented,
- Why don’t you just highlight what you DON’T want to emphasize?
Roy replied,
- That sounds like something my mother would say.
I confess, I was also noticing that he was highlighting almost everything, and was glad I hadn’t been the one to make the comment.
Roy’s tone was very light and sweet – in no way chastising. And yet his message was clear. I feel quite certain Carla won’t mother him again. And I never will.
It’s subtle, but vital to understand how our words can come across as paternal. I wrote about my own parental language when I asked my hubby if he was sure he wanted to eat the pizza. He and I are slowly becoming aware of ways we relate as parents, children and counselors to each other to the detriment of our loving interaction. Catching comments like this one is part of that awareness.
October 12, 2009Kid corner: the wise big brother deludes the ignorant youngster
Here’s another story from The Detective Mom. It’s hilarious and brilliant, but does raise some ethical questions.
Yesterday afternoon we got home from brunch and congregated in front of the TV to watch the Bengal’s game.
Well, everyone except for the youngest. The game held no interest for him, and he wanted to play Wii. He kept going over to the TV and trying to push the button that would switch the system off of cable and onto the Wii. My husband and I kept telling him no, pulling him back, and generally wishing he would find something else in the room to entertain him. But he would not be distracted.
Then my oldest went up to the TV. He has football for the Wii, which gave him an idea. He fiddled around with the game system, controllers, discs, and other buttons, and then handed his baby brother the controller.
“Here, play this game. It’s a really realistic version of football!”
Not that my youngest had any concept of what a “realistic version” is. But he fell for it, hook, line and sinker! For a few minutes he thought he was controlling the action on the screen, and his resistance to us watching the game stopped!
He never did figure out what the rest of us were hooting with laughter about!
The little tyke was happy, but it does raise the question about whether it’s acceptable to trick kids or not.What do you think?
I know several people who were more than a little angry when the truth about Santa was revealed. There is an ancient scripture that says “The wise should not delude the ignorant.” And yet in this case, the delusion is a joy for the little guy – it appears that ignorance is bliss for everyone here.
October 12, 2009Kid corner: hilarious cell phone word game
The Detective Mom tells of what can happen when you ask a cell phone to call some pretty odd names. Here’s part of her post.
One of the kids sneezed when my husband was trying to use voice activated dialing, and the automated phone lady said, “Did you say Call Kris?” My kids were very much amused that a sneeze was mistaken for my name. Which led to a game that entertains them to this day.
Kid: Call an idiot.
Automated voice: Did you say Call Joe Schmidt?
Kid: Call Booger Brain.
Automated voice: Did you say Call Doug Main?
Kid: Call Mommy’s butt.
Automated voice: Did you say Call Pizza Hut?
Words can sure be entertaining!
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- PowerPhrase: call me at (x) instead of the number I am calling from
- Reader question: an abrasive sounding soccer coach
- Triangulation: A usually dysfunctional but occasionally adorable communication dynamic
- SpeakStrong: She doesn’t know she gets to have a voice
- PowerPhrase of the Week ~ I picked up the phone in case the call was urgent
