November 22, 2009Reader Question: help – my message doesn’t make it to my tongue

Meryl,

How can I be more mentally prepared for jaw-dropping things that catch me completely off guard? I usually confront after the fact. Regardless of the person or situation, I hate the gaping-mouth feeling in these situations and I don’t like my incredibly slow response.

Response,

I have been stunned into silence on many occasions. In fact, I wrote my political communication book because I was so incredulous about some of the crazy things people said, that I could think of nothing to say. After I wrote the book I was able to respond. Not that I changed anyone’s mind…

I still have moments when my brain and tongue don’t connect – but fewer. The way I’ve unblocked the channel is by doing just what you are – formulating responses as soon as I get my brain back, even if it’s too late to respond to the offender.

If you do this, imagine you’re actually saying it. That helps for a number of reasons. One is that it helps you at least know how you would like to respond. Another is that your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between whether you actually say it or not, and it gets recorded as a victory. Just be sure you’re not beating yourself up with the fact that you didn’t respond perfectly in the moment.

For general use, I suggest phrases like,

I have no idea how to respond to that.
Are you suggesting (X)?
If I said that to you, how would you respond?

That’s just a start. PowerPhrases! has a lot of phrases. Also, My SpeakStrong book inspires the emotional intelligence and fluidity behind using PowerPhrases!. Watch my newsletter – I will be starting a study group in the next month or two.

I spent a few days with a particular family member writing down all the stuff she said that bugged me and then formulating playful responses. It completely changed my attitude toward her. I don’t get irritated by her anymore. Interesting lesson in that one – it really wasn’t about her – it was about me.