November 25, 2009Poison Phrase tip: Your “walking wounded” dictionary
Yesterday my husband sat near me to tell me all about an insight he was pondering. He was still talking while he got up and started walking away. What does that say? Well, it seems to be a clear indication that he had no interest in any kind of a response. His departure seemed perfectly timed for him to have a complete say, and for me not to have a voice.
When my “stuff is up,” I experience this as a horrific dismissal. When my stuff isn’t up, I experience it as one normal way to behave, and I figure that if I do want a two-way conversation, it’s up to me to make my desire known.
When I’m emotionally triggered, addressing the dynamic is difficult because I experience a wound and reexperience many old wounds related to feeling talked at and dismissed. He senses all of that when I talk about it and is more likely to react with defensiveness. But when my stuff isn’t up, it’s a simple situation of me making my wishes known. And he responds without reacting.
That’s why I recommend that you make a list of words that trigger a bigger than life reaction in you. Then you can take responsibility for your own reactions.
Black and white language is a huge trigger for me… I find myself feeling jammed into a teeny tiny box. But when I recognize that my ire is activated because of a kind of languaging that creates a reaction in me, it’s easier for me to respond to the situation from graceful power rather than old hurts.
- Always and
- never are high on my walking wounded list.
What words are on yours?
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I agree with your comments on black and white language, especially. I work with several individuals who seem to want the universe to fit into neat, orderly, static definitions. To them, something, or someone, is either good or evil, there is no middle ground. Of course they don’t truly think that way 100% of the time, but they use language that implies such so often that it’s hard to tell…
Comment by Ken Rhodes — December 3, 2009 @ 1:13 pm
I could barely pay attention to your observation about yourself because I’m still hung up on the picture of a man who wants to share something he is pondering with his wife. In my experience, this is not typical. Pondering? Sharing? I think I am envious! I know how this sounds, but I can only speak from my own experience, so don’t get mad anybody!
As for the exchange itself, it seems normal to me to want to express something out loud without it meaning I am soliciting a response from someone else. It might be a complex idea that I’ve not been able to work my way through solely in my head; or just a momentary whine about something I don’t expect anyone to resolve or address in any way. Not all speaking out loud is a conversation, nor does it need to be. I think you’re right about it being our own responsibility to make our desire known to the other person. Not that a little sensitivity wouldn’t be welcome, but humans being what they are …..
My trigger? It’s an ideology that works its way into language. My way or the highway. Love it or leave it. If you can’t take the heat…. After I hear some variation of that way of thinking in someone’s conversation, it’s pretty hard for me to keep listening or take the speaker seriously. I know I am being dismissed if I am not in the speaker’s “camp”.
Comment by Kathleen — December 26, 2009 @ 3:08 pm
I laughed at your obstacle about the unreality of a man wanting to share an idea. I guess one way communication is better than no way communication! We have been moving our way toward actual dialog in the 13 years of our marriage. We’re getting there, bit by bit.
Now that I’m more conscious of the walk-away dynamic, I don’t take it personally, nor do I assume it needs to be the end of the conversation.
Yes, your examples get me too. Ideology is another kind of one-sided conversation. Black and white, either or. I used to feel trapped in those boxes… but now I can stay out of them in my own mind at least.
Thanks for your comment!
Comment by merylrunion — December 28, 2009 @ 2:13 pm