November 18, 2009Bad form, even for a spammer
Everything we do communicates. I somehow got added to the email distribution list of a vendor I don’t know. Ironically, when I went to unsubscribe, I received a spam arrest notice. “I’m protecting myself from spam,” the notice began. So in order for me to unsubscribe from an unsolicited newsletter, I had to click a link and type in a code.
What does that communicate to you?
November 18, 2009PowerPhrase: I am placing that into long-term memory
I was silent after a friend shared some knowledge with me. I realized he wouldn’t know how to interpret my silence so I explained:
- I’m putting that into long-term memory.
He realized that my silence was testament to the power of his words rather than dismissive.
November 16, 2009Poison Phrase: You’re angry, aren’t you?
Questions are a valuable way to get information, clarify assumptions, and show respect for other people. But questions like,
- You’re angry, aren’t you?
…aren’t really questions. They’re assumptions disguised as questions.
- What are you feeling?
or,
- Are you angry?
are better approaches.
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Related posts which may interest you
- PowerPhrase: We must be operating under different assumptions, because your comments don’t add up for me.
- This week: Questions are the answer
- Poison Phrase of the Week ~ That’s ridiculous
- PowerPhrase ~ I’ll let that one go because I can tell how angry you are
- Power Phrase: Pretend I’m someone else and describe what I explained to you
November 11, 2009Reader success story: feeling words dispel anger
Meryl,
My father only recently learned that the anger he has lived with is a secondary emotion and he needed to discover the primary emotion in order to stop feeling angry all the time. I pointed him in the direction of your feeling word list. Thanks for all the resources you provide.
November 11, 2009Poison Phrase: Like that’s going to happen…
Cindy told Matt that she would fill him in on what had been happening for her when they met for lunch. Matt replied,
- Like that’s going to happen.
Matt doubted Cindy would make good on her promise to have lunch with him, and he communicated it with sarcasm.
Sarcasm is destructive, but behind every sarcastic remark is a need that needs to find its perfect expression.
Read more about that here. Put Sarcasm in Its Place: How Sarcasm Alerts You to Your Need to Speak Strong
November 11, 2009Perfect wording encompasses precision AND beauty
Here’s a quote for you that came to me from a reader.
Never let a day go by that you don’t nourish yourself with beautiful words. – Lisa Miller
As a word lover, I hear beauty in precision. I love finding the perfect word for my message. But perfection is more than precision. It’s also beauty. It’s eloquence. It’s grace.
For example, a friend and I were talking about the expression “setting boundaries,” which comes from real estate and implies fences and barriers. But there’s another side to boundaries. It’s honoring the wholeness of an individual. And that isn’t just precise, it’s beautiful.
So when you play with words in your life, go for precision AND beauty.
November 11, 2009PowerPhrase: What are you not saying?
Nanci told Jorge that she was going to use another vendor for a particular project. He asked why, and she gave a few reasons that didn’t quite add up. They had worked together on many projects in the past and he had always had a sense of trust. So he asked her,
- What are you not saying?
Nanci took permission from his question to answer him at a more truthful level. She let him know about issues some of her colleagues had with his style of updating. It didn’t get him the contract, but it did inform him of changes he needed to make.
Often people don’t even think to tell you what’s really going on until they get a clear sense of permission to share information you might not enjoy hearing.
November 11, 2009PowerPhrase: This is awkward
Once in training I spoke about how productivity declines when people work more than 40 hours a week. What I didn’t know but soon found out was that my group of managers was mandated to work 49 hours each week. The CEO was out of the room when I made my comment, so my attendees asked me to repeat the statement when he returned. I did, but prefaced it with,
- This is awkward.
Acknowledging the context of communication doesn’t resolve awkwardness or eliminate tension, but it does smooth the path much more than pretending nothing is happening.
November 10, 2009Reader Question: How do I talk about my criminal record in job interviews?
Meryl,
I am without employment after searching for over a year. I have a criminal record as a recovering addict with three years clean. Please let me know the best way to handle a job interview productively. I am a licensed CNA and particularly would like to help people get their lives together.
My response:
Readers, can you help with this one? What do you recommend? And what resources are available? Thanks.
November 9, 2009The dark side of ROI and uninformed expectations
In 1972, when my political statistics professor opened up the world of measurement to me, I was on fire. I loved the idea that everything could be measured. My first job was developing measures of effectiveness for police departments. But I quickly discovered that there is a dark side to measurement. It’s easy for what you can measure to determine value rather than having value determine what you measure. It’s also easy to pretend you can measure everything. You can’t.
I’m following a great discussion in a speaker group about ROI (Return on Investment) with professional speakers. Can a speaker prove that his or her presentation positively affects the bottom line? One speaker noted that a meeting planner might ask a speaker to prove ROI, but a CFO would laugh you out of the building for suggesting that you could.
Here’s the dilemma for the speaker. When a client asks about ROI, does the speaker go along with the request, or clarify? The one speaker posted this:
“The meeting planners are asking for ROI/looking for it, because it is a term they hear from from
the C-Suite, understand it as being a ‘good thing’, and are disinclined to point out to their own brass that ‘this cannot be done here’. Instead they tell their vendors they want it, and the vendors, turning out to be
similarly disinclined, are scrambling to deliver.”
Of course, the broader SpeakStrong issue is: whether you are concerned with ROI or not, what do you do when you are asked to meet uninformed expectations? Do you fake it? Do you clarify?
Whatever your industry, I’m sure you are familiar with the tyranny of measurement. It could be Performance Reviews that are based on criteria that reflect what can be measured rather than what matters. It could be needing to prove revenue increases before your project has come to fruition.
Whatever it is, before you suck it up and pretend the impossible is possible and the inappropriate is the new holy grail, consider putting a new frame around the whole conversation. Something like,
- There are better ways of determining value in this situation than ROI. Here’s how I demonstrate value.
