February 24, 2010Success story: Admin gracertively got manager to cut workload

This phrase come from a post on Crucial Conversations. The author’s assistant couldn’t keep up with her expanding responsibilities. She addressed the issue by listing what she does for him that makes the biggest contribution. He agreed with the list. Then she observed,

• If I continue to do X, Y, and Z—I won’t be able to improve my response time and quality in these areas. At least that’s how it appears to me. If you can see something I’m missing, please tell me. I don’t want to shirk my work.

Her manager agreed that the either needed to drop the other tasks or find another way to get them done. She looked even more valuable to him after that conversation than she had before.

February 23, 2010How to deliver second-hand feedback

Meryl,
My team reports TO me, but doesn’t necessarily work FOR me, so I receive a
lot of performance feedback from their project manager or other people
associated with that project.  What can I say to improve the effectiveness
of this feedback, when they know it isn’t coming directly from me?

Suggestion,
Since you both know this isn’t your feedback don’t pretend it is. Deliver it authentically as coming from them through you. Deliver it as, not the absolute truth of their performance, but the absolute truth of how the person it comes from perceives their performance. Your team needs to both maximize performance and manage the perception of what they’re doing. After you deliver the information, if there is an issue, you can ask,

• Is this a performance issue or a perception issue?

Then work together to decide how to incorporate and respond to the feedback.

February 23, 2010PoisonPhrase: Denying layoff grieving prolongs the recovery process

Whether it’s a loved one who passed on, or a coworker whose employment was terminated, it’s crazy-making to be expected to act like nothing significant happened. Comments like,

- Layoffs happen.. Get over it.

…negate the reality that people react emotionally when someone they worked with is laid off.

In her free ebook Leading After Layoffs, Wendy Mack writes about how essential it is to allow for the natural cycles of grieving after layoffs.

Allowing for and making comments like,

• It’s strange to come in after so many years and have Chris not be here.

…can pave the way to healing, regrouping and productivity.

February 23, 2010PowerPhrase: I would not feel comfortable with my daughters working under your management

The Hooters episode of The Undercover Boss exposed a manager who (in my opinion) should have been fired on the spot. Management decided to retrain him instead.

When confronted, Jimbo defended his hostile style. The Hooters CEO showed him a photo and told him,

• These are my two daughters. I would not feel comfortable with them working under your management.

That comment got through Jimbo’s defenses. Personalization often succeeds when abstract explanations fail.

February 23, 2010Last week to register for SpeakStrong Conflict Management Training in Denver

Register now for my CTAT SpeakStrong in conflict management training in Denver. I’m excited to announce that Dr. Howard Nornes, a professor of Developmental Neuroscience, will talk about how brain structure affects how we manage conflict. I’ll present my brainlet communication dream team, and Dr. Nornes will go into the science behind my communication techniques. It will be a fun, factual and fruitful day.

You can read more about it here and here

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February 23, 2010SpeakStrong Insights from CBS’ “The Undercover Boss”

If you ever think upper management doesn’t know what you do, or you suspect you might not know what goes on with the people you manage, you’ll find The Undercover Boss to be an interesting show. CEO’s of organizations work in entry positions of their own companies to see what it’s really like out there. Whatever its flaws, The Undercover Boss shows how illuminating it can be for leaders and managers to shadow their employees.

The main value isn’t that they uncover problem behaviors , although that certainly does happen. (The Hooters episode exposes a doozy.)  The experience allows for management to see how their policies affect their front-line employees… and for management to see how great many of their employees really are. Unlike most reality shows that strive to catch people at their worst, this show catches many people in their goodness.

Women, Gen Y, social media and globalization are creating a growing trend toward synocratic interaction in the workplace. This show illustrates how useful that can be.
Check it out. And consider shadowing people who work for you… although in your case you probably won’t be undercover.  (I provide phrases to announce your intentions to shadow in Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors.)

February 17, 2010Find the Sunny Side of Conflict in March 18th SpeakStrong Seminar find the opportunity in your arguments

Have you found The Lost Generation video? It reads the exact opposite backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite. It’s only a 1 minute, 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you read as well as listen forward and backward. I also posted the words with the video. Once you’ve read it through, read the last line again, then the next to last line and so on.

The perfection of this heartens me, because I so often find in communication and in life that the problem contains the solution, the objection the reason to buy, and the limitation can lead to the liberation… if we can see the opportunity right in front of our faces. So visit my blog and find The Lost Generation.

Then, check out my Sunny Side of Conflict SpeakStrong Seminar in Denver March 18th, where we’ll get the skills to turn negativity and conflict into opportunity and collaboration.

February 14, 2010Poison Phrase: This doesn’t count because I badgered you to do it.

I caught a preview of Dr. Phil, where a daughter railed at her Mom for not standing up for her. The mother said, “I’m standing up for you now.” The daughter replied,

- That’s because I badgered you to do it.

I understand the daughter’s complaint, but I also know that the daughter missed a golden opportunity to get what she says she wants from her mother.  If she had stayed present and then moved things forward, she would have been more likely to inspire her mother to stand up for her in the future. It’s so easy to focus on what was wrong in the past, but as soon as we get a glimmer of someone moving in the direction we want, the best approach is to reinforce that. A better response would have been,

• Yes, you are. Thank-you for that. You have no idea what it means to me, and I’d like to be able to continue to count on your support.

Oh, the power of momentum!

February 12, 2010Reader seeks PowerPhrases to get food nazis to back off

Meryl,

Recently I attended a networking event in which I had to be firm yet polite about refusing to eat calorie laden food and drinks – that would most assuredly have pushed me off target from my goals. I was stunned by how pushy some people are. For example, here is one conversation.

Them: why aren’t you eating?  You’re not eating?  You should eat!

Me:  thank you but I’m not hungry.  I ate beforehand.

Them:  What?  Don’t you like the food here?

Me:  the food here is delicious in fact it’s so delicious that my will power goes out the window and that’s why I purposely ate before coming

Them:  Don’t tell me you’re watching your weight!

Me:  I’m working hard to maintain my weight.

Them:  You’re skinny you don’t have to.  You should eat.  Here I’ll get you something.

Me:  Thank you for the offer and the compliment but the truth is, I’m working with my Doctor and I do actually have another 20 pounds to get off before I’m at my ideal weight.

Them:  I can’t believe you’re going to pass this up.  I’ll bring you a plate.

Me:  Not only am I working with my Doctor but I’m also in a contest inspired by the Biggest Loser.  If I win I’ll win $300 cash prize.  I can count on your support to help me win right?

Them:  Oh well you didn’t tell me there was money on the line.  But you know what, one plate of appetizers won’t hurt.  I’ll get you some.

Me:  My will power isn’t as strong as yours.  If you bring me the appetizers one plate would turn into two.  It’s fun to see you again, but I’m starting to feel awkward about having to say “no thank you” so many times.  Should I take off?

Them:  Oh gosh, don’t over react.  No, that’s fine if you want to be the token “healthy” person here at the table I suppose you’ll set a good example for the rest of us.  Now, why you don’t at least have a glass of wine?

Me:  Actually I’ll pass on the wine too, but I’d love to get a sparkling water.

Them:  Red wine is good for you.

Me:  Yes it is tasty and I’m a red-lover at heart but again – wine doesn’t help my will power around food.  So I’ll pass, but I’d love that sparkling water!

It was a networking event.  I work with these people.  I didn’t want to refuse hospitality but I didn’t want to sabotage my diet either.  I did get my water.  I didn’t know what to say – I felt awkward and weird.  I made small talk for a few minutes and then I ended up leaving the event early.  I wanted to pause the conversation – text you – and then go back to the group.  I got a phone call the next day from the lady saying “When you’re off your diet and can come have a good time let me know… Call me.”

How do I respond to that?  I don’t know.  But I’m not eager to call her.

Meryl responds:

One of my staff has a huge stomach ache today because she was invited to dinner and the couple served a food she can’t digest. Social graces need to be balanced with our bodily requirements. And of course, in your case, there is little grace on the other side, so you are being pushed to be stronger than you might care to be.

Now that we know how pushy some people can be, we can go back over the conversation and see where you went wrong. Not that anything you said would have been “going wrong” with people who respect others’ choices. But where did you give this overbearing woman a hook? I’d make the main approach kind of an aikido move like in my post about how my friend handled advice on Facebook.

I’d say that was when you mentioned that you ate before you came. That would have gotten my curiosity and had me wanting to know more, although I wouldn’t have been so pushy!

I suggest in the future you simply say,

• No thanks, I’m not hungry.

If they ask why not, you can say something like

• I’m still full from the last time I ate.

If they continue, adopt a curious attitude. Ask questions from a perspective of inquiry. Things like,

• Does it make you uncomfortable for me not to eat?

• Do you not believe that I know what I want?

• Are you trying to pressure me into eating food I don’t want?

• Why does it seem important to you that I eat?

Be prepared with phrases like,

• I appreciate your concern, but I’ve got it handled.

• I’d much rather chat with you about your kids than what I am or am not eating.

As far as the comment about getting together when you can eat and have fun, I suggest you say,

• I can have fun right now, but if I need to be eating for you to enjoy my company, I’ll let you know when I’m off my diet.

Although if you don’t mention you diet, the subject won’t come up.

One last thing. I might try simply saying,

• That sounds like something my mother would say. Does yours push food on you too?

February 12, 2010Smooth Verbal Aikido Comeback response on Facebook keeps posts on track

When my friend posted on Facebook:

“In a never-ending effort to drop 10 lbs, just bought a GoWear Fit. It’s like a BodyBugg. Anyone else have one?”

A friend that I assume means well replied,

“Try taking your focus off the 10 lbs which you DON’T want, and put it on the weight that you DO want to be ”

My friend’s response subtly turned the conversation back from the unsolicited advice to her new purchase, when she said,

“Am I to infer you don’t have a GoWear Fit?”

Playful, poignant and also, it kept her post about her new monitoring device from turning into a discussion of her attitude toward her weight.

Nice verbal  Aikido move.

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